20 Earliest Red Flags

People aren't always what they seem. 

If you didn't already know that- you're welcome!
Life lesson #1. 

It's easy to get so swept up in the idea of who someone is that you miss the reality of who they actually are- especially in the dating world.

If you need some examples, read on.

 
Example 1: 
Person A meets Person B.
Person B is charming, witty, empathetic, intelligent, and most importantly, nothing like A's ex.
B promises to never abandon A, and A trusts B.
They begin to make plans and talk about the future.
Then one day, with no warning, B ghosts, and they never speak again.
What did A miss?

Example 2: 
Person C meets Person D. 
D has been in bad relationship after bad relationship. 
D has a whole crew of crazy exes in the past.  
But C is different- D thinks C is perfect, and maybe even "the one."
So D starts pushing C to commit.
Engagement? Marriage? Maybe they could elope!
But then C leaves town, and upon returning, finds that D no longer feels that way anymore.
D never actually loved C as much as C loved D, D says. 
And with that, D leaves. 
How did everything change so quickly?       

The question remains: how do we miss these signs? How do we find these normal, wonderful people, and then-usually too late- learn they are nothing  like the people we thought they were?

The simple answer: talk is cheap. It's easy to say who you are; it's much harder to prove it. Here we are, looking for these obvious signs that this person is trouble- and we are getting sucked in by the people they claim to be. Meanwhile, we don't see the subtle red flags right in front of us. 

We are looking for the wrong things. 

We are looking for people who seem cruel and heartless and untrustworthy. We are looking for people who look like they're going to hurt us. 

But that's not how it usually works. Sure- there are the ones who actually look like jerks. But even more dangerous are the ones who look like really nice people- the pretenders. 

And that's why, often times, those of us who do fall for the pretenders, do so more than once. Why we keep thinking "this one" isn't like the rest. 

It would be nice, I think, if potential dates came with little warnings stuck to their foreheads: 

"I SEEM AMBITIOUS, BUT I'M BROKE AND LAZY, AND I ONLY WANT YOU FOR YOUR MONEY." 

"I WILL ROMANCE YOU, PURSUE YOU, MAKE YOU FALL IN LOVE, AND THEN SLEEP WITH YOU AND NEVER CALL YOU AGAIN." 

"I AM A CHRONIC ABUSER AND I WILL BREAK YOUR HEART- BUT ONLY ONCE WE GET MARRIED." 

(It would be helpful, don't you think?)

Because most of the time, by the time we see the really-obvious red flags, we're already emotionally attached. And at that point, it's hard to think clearly. (Thanks, infatuation.) Or, we only see them because we've just gotten crushed by someone we thought we could trust, and we are scouring the path for red flags we missed along the way. 

So how do we see those very early red flags? The ones that pop up before we get into a new relationship? 

We have to look for the right things.

Early red flags don't look like the big ones. They're not easy to spot. (They look a lot like a healthy relationship, unfortunately.)
And singularly, they aren't necessarily a reason to run the other way. But add a few more, and you should at least begin to slow down and start watching more intently. 

1. Watch how quickly the relationship moves forward. 

The Red Flag: They are rushing intimacy or commitment. They say things that would be appropriate in a well-established relationship, but are premature for an early one. 

2. Remember their stories. 

The Red Flag: Small inconsistencies in their accounts come up as time goes on. You're confused about the timeline of their past. Some stories may have gaps in them that don't make sense. A story may change just the slightest bit the second time you hear it. You might be told that you misunderstood or misheard. 

3. Ask about their exes. 

The Red Flag: They have an unusual amount of people in their past that are "bipolar," "psycho," "crazy," etc. They say their exes "are still in love" with them, or "wanted to get back together," but they didn't want that. They might have a lot of enemies. 

4. Figure out what's wrong with them 

The Red Flag: They seem too good to be true. You can't figure out what's wrong with them. They are everything you've ever wanted (and maybe more). When asked their weaknesses, they reveal things that don't really seem like significant weaknesses. They seem perfect- or perfect for you. 

5. Notice when your common sense fails.

The Red Flag: They seem to not fit the general rules of how you know people work. When you think they're going to follow those same lines of logic, they tell you they're different. You think they'll do A, but they do B. You think they'll feel Y, but they feel Z. They don't function the same way others do; they're the exception to every rule. 

6. Notice how much they listen and how much they reveal. 

The Red Flag: They listen a lot but don't reveal much. They are excellent listeners- They make eye contact, and hang on every word you say. They ask lots of questions and want to understand you. When you try to reciprocate, and learn about them, the conversation always seems to move back to you. After a few conversations, you might notice that they know a lot about you, but you don't know as much about them. 

7. Notice if you are quickly becoming dependent on them. 

The Red Flag: They immediately want to take care of you. They are very concerned with your wellbeing. They may say things like "I would take care of you," and "you need me." They want to buy you things and provide for your needs- things that would be normal in a committed relationship, but again, are premature for an early one. They want to know what you need. They are overly generous and won't accept "no" for an answer. 

8. Listen to how they talk about themselves.

The Red Flag: They sell their qualifications to you like they're in a job interview. They have a lot of good things to say about themselves. They're a self-proclaimed great worker, great boyfriend, great wife, great (fill-in-the-blank). It may be said jokingly, or as a "humble brag," or in seriousness. They may mention it via a third-party perspective ("my ex said I was the best girlfriend"/"people tell me my pictures don't do me justice"/"I've been told I'm an amazing kisser").

9. Listen to how they relate themselves to you.

The Red Flag: They position themselves above you. They passively or overtly compare themselves to you, almost always coming out ahead. They are nicer, better, smarter, funnier, stronger, more popular, more outgoing, more ambitious... you get the idea. Even if they never say it, you start noticing that you don't seem to measure up - even in categories in which you usually excel. 

10. Observe how you are introspecting around them.

The Red Flag: You are extensively over-analyzing and trying to rationalize their behavior. You find that you are questioning yourself in this relationship in ways you don't in others. You may be thinking you have commitment or trust issues. You are asking a lot of people (or researching) questions of "is this normal?" to gauge what you should think or feel of the relationship. Your relationship makes you act and feel ways that you don't act or feel with your closest friends or family.

11. Notice how their previous attachments have been.

The Red Flag: They don't have many long-lasting friendships. They might have multiple failed long-term relationships. They may have a broken family, or even might not speak to members of their own immediate family. They aren't grieved or devastated if one of their intimate relationships fall apart, or if someone they love cuts them off. They may even tell you they have attachment issues, or that they "don't get attached." 

12. Listen to how they speak about your future together. 

The Red Flag: They make real or imagined plans for the future with you that seem grandiose and/or premature. They use a lot of "when we..." language early on in the relationship. They may begin talking about things very far down the road as if they are a certainty, rather than a possibility. If you wait them out long enough, they likely don't follow through with these things. They like to fantasize with you of all the things you might do and be together. 

13. Notice how much trust they expect from you. 

The Red Flag: They expect trust from you that hasn't been earned. They ask you to be honest and vulnerable, encouraging you to share intimate details of your life, without an established intimate relationship in place. They don't want you to hold anything back. They say they want "all of you," or that they will run away if they feel they aren't sure what they're getting. They don't reciprocate this same level of vulnerability. 

14. Notice how they talk about others' perception of them. 

The Red Flag: They perceive that they are envied, wanted, or idolized. They say that others are jealous of them, that others want to be with them, that others look up to them, etc. They have an idea of what everyone in any situation thinks of them, and it's usually viewed through a lens of envy. 

15. See how they handle being challenged. 

The Red Flag:  They become defensive and take challenges on their opinions or behavior personally. They fight until either they win, or they quit arguing and commence the silent treatment. (This can, if the other does not apologize and give in, actually trigger the end of the relationship.) No matter how they *say* they handle confrontation, correction, or disagreements, the truth shows when you actually experience their reaction yourself. 

16. Notice what other people think of them. 

The Red Flag: People either love them or hate them. The people that hate them are usually exes or ex-friends. They have very brutal things to say about them, or, on the flip side, may seem very confused and heartbroken about what happened between them. 

17. Notice what warnings they give you. 

The Red Flag: They tell you ominous things about who they are, directly. ("I'll ruin you," "I'm just using you," "I never fall in love," etc) This might be said in a half-serious way, or in a way that makes you want to argue back ("I can't see you ever hurting me!").

18. Notice when they put you on a pedestal. 

The Red Flag: They idealize you. You're everything they ever wanted. You're practically perfect. You're their "soulmate", or their "person," or "the one." They've "never had this with anyone else." You are the most beautiful woman in the world; you are the smartest man she's ever known. 

19. Notice how they relate to emotions. 

The Red Flag: They over-intellectualize feelings. They think of people as ideas; they may understand them, and know how they work and how to relate to them- sometimes very well- but they lack genuine empathy for them. If you tell them how you feel, they might tell you how to fix it, or say they feel sorry for you, or tell you about a time they felt the same way. They might explain how they feel in an intellectual way ("it's only human to feel sad sometimes") rather than in a personal way ("I'm so disappointed!"). They don't seem to have a depth or breadth of emotions. Anger and happiness are the primary, if not the only, emotions they openly display. 

20. Notice their ambitions and their successes.

The Red Flag: They seem very ambitious but don't seem to have a lot to show for it. They have lots of big plans for their future- job ventures, school paths, vacations- and seem to have a lot of success ahead of them, but don't have a lot of past successes. They might switch jobs, career paths, or move frequently. They don't seem to have a stable and consistent past, even though they have a stable future planned. 


And when all else fails? 
Time.
Give it time. 
True colors always will show!
  

Addiction, Withdrawal, Recovery

I. Addiction 

He was the drug; she was the addict. 

She needed him like she needed air. 
With white knuckled grip, she clung to him. 

He left; she begged for more. 
He returned; she got her fill-
her lethal antidote. 

The poison was toxic, but the absence was torture, 
and the cravings insatiable. 

She was always seeking, 
always longing, 
always aching. 
He was never enough-
a momentary relief followed by a greater void. 

Power was not in her body; 
she surrendered it to him. 
"No" was not in her vocabulary; 
she surrendered that as well. 

Sunken eyes, 
greying skin-
she took another hit. 

 II. Withdrawal 

A blurry reflection gazes back; 
she begs it to be strong. 

Six days on an empty stomach. 
Wide-eyed on an empty bed. 
Trembling body, hazy mind, racing heart. 

Reality begs her attention, 
but her eyes are closed: 
her eyes which beg for sleep, but sleep won't come. 

She rocks.
She shakes. 
She paces. 
She wishes for her poison or for her death. 
She ruminates. 
She obsesses. 
She dreams. 
She gives herself her wishes in fantasy. 

Her world slips further away.
Her body is not hers. 
But the numbness feels kinder than the pain.

III. Recovery 

Every morning, another tally etched in the wall. 
Sober one more day.

Avoidance is her ally.
Her body lurches at the thought of exposure,
so she hides herself away. 

She seeks safety in the shadows. 
She rests. 
She regains her strength. 

Her eyes begin to clear, but the glassiness remains. 
Her starving body begins to beg for food. 
The clock begins to tick again. 

Five tallies on the wall.

He reminds her what she can not have- 
spiteful ink on cheap paper. 
Sabotage on her life of sobriety. 

Ten tallies.

She stands over an empty bin 
and violently rips his words apart, 
until they look as worthless 
as they had always been.

She finds her footing, and steps back into the light. 
She discards every piece of her life of addiction. 

She reclaims. 
She redefines.  
She remembers who she used to see looking back at her in the mirror- 
long before he became her reflection,
and she his.

New habits formed, old ones abandoned.

He tells her she is hooked. 
He tells her she's a fool.
He tells her she is dependent.

She laughs. 

Thirty tallies turn to sixty,
and sixty to ninety-
or is it a hundred?

She loses track;
she loses interest.

And she hears the whispers echoing down the telephone line:
"Addiction is in her blood."
Some call her a victim; 
others condemn. 
And she lets them think what they will. 

She found her power. 
She took it back. 
She learned how to say "no" again. 

She has nothing to prove.
She leaves a wall marked in tallies behind, 
and it speaks for her.

She needs nothing from him anymore.

You Are Enough

Tonight, in a moment of haphazard honesty, as we cuddle on your tiny mattress on the floor, your sweet little three-year-old voice tells me that your hair is different than your sister's. 

She has short, curly, blond hair. 

You have long, straight, brown hair like me. 

I know it's been bothering you. You don't say much when you're upset, and you've been inching towards this conversation for a couple of days. I see you holding yourself together. 

"People sure talk about your sister's hair a lot, don't they?" I say quietly. 

I watch your face melt into a puddle in front of my eyes. I see it. That first pang of inadequacy that I know too well. That initiation into the world of comparison. That unfair moment when you acknowledge that something you have isn't what someone else wants from you.

 

"That has to get old." I say to you. 

I wish this were the last time you would find yourself at the mercy of someone else's judgement.

But, Darling, this is just the beginning. 

It is just the first time you will hear that you are not enough. 

It is just the first time you will hear that your worth hinges on your appearance. 

It is just the first time you will hear that there is a hierarchy of beauty, and that you fall short of the top. 

For you will hear that you are not tall enough. Too tall.

Not thin enough. Too thin. 

Not curvy enough. Too curvy.

Not dark enough. Too dark. 

Not light enough. Too light. 

Not pretty enough. Too pretty. 

You will hear that the other girl's eyes are prettier. 

That her clothes are nicer. 

That her hair is longer. 

That her body is prettier. 

That her teeth are straighter. 

That her nose is cuter. 

That her legs are smaller. 

You will hear a million times over how you don't measure up.

And as I lay here, your big brown eyes looking up into mine, I wish I could take that all away from you. Oh, how I wish I could shield you from the ugliness that is comparison.

But I can't. I know I can't. 

So I tell you that I remember a time when I wished I had blond hair like my sister. That I wanted to have hair just like her, not my brown hair. 

But then, I grew up, I tell you, and I had a baby of my own- with brown hair and brown eyes, just like me. And I was so happy that she looked like me.

You've moved on, now, as three year olds do. You're singing songs and not going to sleep. 

And I've come downstairs to lay my head on the kitchen table and cry. 

It's not fair, Baby. 

It will never, ever be fair. 

People will use you and judge you and compare you all your life. They will find your value in the way you look. In the things you can do for them. In the all the things that have nothing to do with your value at all. 

And they're going to do it whether I like it or not. 

But here, in this home, it will not be this way. 

We will not compare each other. 

We will not value one's attributes over another. 

In this home, we will love each other well. 

And when the world wears you down, and you feel less than adequate, you can come back home. And I will be waiting here for you, always, telling you that you are enough.

 

Demand And Supply

He always had an attraction to that which would catch the eye. A lover of the impressive. A collector of sorts. 

So that he stopped to admire her should have been no surprise. 

She was lovely- a young seedling, brimming with potential. He looked at her approvingly and dreamed of what she might be. He took a small piece of one of her delicate leaves and found that it was good to eat. 

Soon, he knew, she would begin to produce bigger, more flavorful leaves. She would bloom and her flowers would be beautiful. 

He needed her. He wanted her. He had to have her. 

So he claimed her as his own. He watered her daily. He showered her with attention and meticulous care. He watched as she grew and sprouted new leaves, and he took the ones that pleased him. 

Those that passed would see him working tirelessly for her, day and night. 

"What a loving caretaker!" they said among themselves. "When does he ever rest?" 

He heard their whispers of approval and beamed with satisfaction. His work was just beginning. 

The days passed, and she sprouted branches, each with new leaves of their own. And each time he returned, he happily took what he wanted. 

One or two leaves. Or three. 

When she looked healthy, maybe more. 

He came back to water her, with the knowledge that everything he gave her would be replenished and would reward him twofold.

He was drawn back to her day after day. He craved the taste, the fulfillment, the satisfaction. He needed more. 

So he took more. 

And more. 

And as time went on, he began to test the limits of just how many leaves he could take without destroying her. 

Just one more. 

Maybe two. 

Until one day, he began to notice that new leaves had not been sprouting as quickly. That no flowers were appearing like he had imagined. That she was looking wilted. This beautiful plant he had dreamed of was not materializing. 

She was broken, he realized. 

After all he had done to nurture her? It wasn't right. He deserved better. 

Everyone could attest to it- he gave her his all. Every passerby knew of his devotion to her. 

He should have been getting something back in return, he thought. It was only fair. 

He watered her a bit more, holding back his frustration. Maybe she just needed time. 

So he waited until new leaves sprouted.

And they did- small, bright, new little leaves. He was pleasantly satisfied and gleaned to his delight. 

But in the next coming days, again no new leaves sprouted. He watched and waited in frustration. He came back to water her in hopes that she would have something for him. But nothing appeared. 

Days passed. 

Still nothing. 

She was wilted and sick. People no longer noticed her like they had before. They still saw that he was working tirelessly for her, but their acknowledgement fell flat to him, as he waited there, empty handed. She gave him nothing anymore. 

He waited a bit longer in hopes that she would redeem herself. That something would change. 

But it didn't. She only grew weaker. 

So when something caught his eye down the road- new plants, full and ready to be picked- his mind was made up. He had no more time to wait and watch her die. 

She was not what he had hoped for. She was useless to him now. 

And there was more to be had just down the road. 

And with that, he stomped her a few times into the dirt, crushing what was left of her wilting form. If he didn't need her, no one did. 

And he left to glean what he wanted elsewhere. 

Those that used to watch him caring for his plant stopped to question him. Why had he abandoned her? What made him leave? He had loved her so much, they thought. 

His anger spilled from his mouth as he told them how much time and energy he had wasted on her. How he devoted everything he was into helping her grow. How he watered her with fervor.

How one day, she stopped producing leaves. How she never even bloomed. 

That she was sick. Weak. Broken. 

That he tried. Oh, how he tried. 

But he couldn't wait forever. She asked for too much and gave nothing in return. She took advantage of him. She took his care for granted. She wanted his care and yet deprived him of the only thing he expected of her.

And some would nod their heads in understanding. Some would join him in his rage.

"How unfair!" They would say. 

They would urge him to move on and find something better- something more deserving of his tireless devotion. They would console him in his grief and ache in sympathy of the unjust betrayal thrust upon him. 

They would encourage him to be strong. To keep his head up. 

But as they kept him company in his anger and misery, something began to happen just back up the road.

The wilted flower, stomped into the dirt, crushed and crumpled and left to die, began to find life again. Her roots had been planted deeply and firmly in the ground. And a new shoot emerged.

Leaves began to sprout. 

Branches. 

More leaves. 

And the sunlight poured in on her, multiplying her strength each day. 

No longer was she wilted. Weak. Dying. 

No longer was she struggling to nourish herself with half of her resources. She could flourish, and bloom, and grow how she should have all along. 

And she did. 

With no one taking what she needed to thrive, she thrived. 

With no one taking what she needed to grow, she grew. 

With no one taking more than what she could give, she produced more than ever before. 

And now, down the road, another depleted plant begins to wilt. It will be discarded soon enough, and another will take its place. 

And so the cycle will continue.

Demand and supply. 

Discover and discard.

But she, lucky enough to be left behind, will bloom and thrive, and let the cycle of misery continue somewhere else down the road.