Double Chocolate Fudge Truffles

Going on a Paleo diet (or mostly Paleo... I mean, it's the holiday season...who am I kidding?) sparks some creativity into my food choices. Mostly out of necessity, because I can't just have no desserts. 

I don't know what this is, to be honest. Cookie dough? Fudge? Some mix between the two, maybe? 

It's delicious, though, and pretty healthy, considering how good it is. My one complaint is that I always run out too fast. Because it's that good. 

So here it is. Merry Christmas, ladies and gentlemen.

Double Chocolate Fudge Truffles 

(Paleo, vegan, gluten-free, refined-sugar free)

1 1/2 cups cashew pieces

3 Tbs extra virgin coconut oil

1/2 cup cocoa powder

2 cups almond butter 

1/2 tsp vanilla extract 

1/8 tsp sea salt

1/4 cup raw honey

1/4 cup coconut sugar 

1/4 cup chocolate chips (paleo- I make my own)

Add cashews and coconut oil to your food processor and pulse until very smooth- it should almost be a liquid. Add cocoa powder and blend well. 

Add almond butter if your processor can handle it (mine can't). Otherwise, hand mix it in until completely blended. 

In a bowl, Stir in remaining ingredients in order. Adjust sweetness to taste. 

Scoop with a melon baller or ice cream scoop and store in the fridge. Eat ungodly amounts and feel no guilt. 

I Can't Fight All Your Battles For You

It’s often late at night, it seems, when God whispers the most important things to me.

Tonight, I found myself laying wide-eyed in the darkness again, my mind wandering. It wandered to my children, as it usually does. I began to introspect on how defensive I find myself being of them. How I feel like a mama bear sometimes, wanting to fiercely warn others to keep their distance of my babies. How I want to jump to my girls’ defense at the first sight of their discomfort. How I want to silence every negative tone and every less-than-kind word thrown their way.

It's not uncharacteristic of me, particularly. I'm loyal to a fault, and always have been. I would go to war for "my people." I swear loyalty to people that takes drastic measures to undo. I give people second and third and fourth chances. I have trouble putting my foot down and setting healthy boundaries, and tend to let people take advantage of my loyalty. The good comes with the bad, as it does with any trait, and I certainly have both.
But with motherhood came an entirely new level of commitment within me that I didn't know I had. My children are a part of me, now. They each reside in a part of my soul that no one else can fill. I would fight to the death for these girls. I would risk everything I have to protect them.

“Above all else,” I mused, “I want my girls to know that I will always be in their corner.”

I saw myself in a parted crowd, facing down some kind of enemy, behind my oldest daughter’s back, whispering, “You tell me when, and I’ll come in swinging.”

But, as He does from time to time, God gently interjected.

“You can’t always fight their battles,” He told me, “or they will never grow.”

He was right.

And of course, He’s right. How could my kids learn a thing in life if I never let them? What kind of adults would I be raising them into if they never learned how to set their own boundaries? Or if they never learned how to resolve conflict? Or if they never learned how to stand up for themselves? I would be an enabler, not a protector. I would be damaging and crippling the very lives I’m aiming to defend.

And then, God drew the connection for me.
“I can’t always fight your battles for you, either.”

The idea silenced my always-moving mind for a split second.

He doesn’t. And so often, I beg Him to. I sometimes mistakenly interpret His lack of intervention as a lack of support. I want Him to fix it, always and immediately. I want Him to silence the people that speak untrue words about me. I want Him to intervene in disagreements and put an end to any conflict that arises. I want Him to make others stop pushing my boundaries so I don't have to speak up. I want Him to shield me from discomfort and pain.

But He is a wiser parent than I. He knows that there are times when it would only cripple me to be sheltered. It would only hinder my growth to disallow me to make my own choices and fight my own battles.

It's not a lack of love or a lack of loyalty that keeps Him at bay. It is just the opposite, in fact. It's because of His love that He holds back and lets me grow.

He loves me infinitely more than I love my own children. And if I feel so fiercely loyal to these tiny little lives, and yet still must give them space to grow, how much more must God love me as He does the same?

There will be times, and there have been times already, where my girls will need me to fight for them. Times when they are too young, too small or too weak to protect themselves. And at those times, I have been there. At those times, I will always be there for them.

And in those times, when I am too young, too small or too weak, God steps in for me. That’s when He steps in front of me. That’s when He comes in swinging.

But when He does not, I know that He is lovingly, loyally and wisely letting me grow.

Loss and Life

As I lay here feeling the heavy breath of my sleeping seven week old on my chest, my mind wanders. How blessed I am, I know, to experience this. To feel her sweet, sweaty face on my skin. To smell her soft little head and kiss her gently. How blessed I am to have a toddler sleeping in the other room. God has been so good to us, and given us so much.

Yesterday, I was reminded of how precious my children are to me. Yesterday was October 15- National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. And two weeks from tomorrow marks a year from the day we lost a very early pregnancy.

It was Halloween. I was likely five or six weeks pregnant. But, strange as it may be, losing a child you barely knew doesn't soften the blow.

It hits you deep in the gut, pounding into the core of you each time you catch yourself dreaming of what you thought would be. It’s a wound that reopens each morning, as the memory of reality floods back. It’s a wound that stays tender much long after the impact. A wound that someday heals, but still scars, as a reminder of what was once there.

Tears flowed heavy that afternoon. My heart threatened to split in two. The rage was palpable in my body. And through the gut-wrenching sobs, the begging God to save my baby, the pleading to give me back the plans that I had made and the dreams that suddenly were put to an end, the same thought repeated in my mind.

"This isn't how it's supposed to be."

It's not supposed to be this way. It wasn't meant to be this way. Death and loss feels so tragic, so unnatural, so unfair, because that's exactly what it is.

It's easy to forget, I think, that death wasn't the original plan. It's easy to forget that God's design was for us to live and to keep living. Sin brought loss into the picture.
And so, we are living in this world that has death and heartbreak and loss. And it hurts. It hurts because it's not the way it was supposed to be.

Babies weren't meant to die. Mothers weren't meant to lose their children. Husbands weren't meant to comfort their grieving wives as they try to pick up the pieces of their own broken hearts.

God does not bring death. But in death, in sorrow and in loss, God remains good. He remains faithful. He doesn't turn away and tell us, "this is how it is." He doesn't leave us to mend ourselves back together. He doesn't excuse death and loss and ask us to be strong, or to gladly accept the pain.

Like a father who picks up his injured child, he holds us close, whispering gently, "I know you're hurt; I'm here."

In the middle of the loss, God was near. When my heart was screaming at him to let me have my baby, he held me close. He knew my heartache. He felt my pain. And he told me, "I know you're hurt; I'm here."

He didn't fix it for me. He didn't take away the hurt. But he never let me go. He was good then, in death. He was good still, when three weeks later, he gave us another life to care for. And he is good today, as that little life sleeps on my chest.

In death and in loss, God is there. In life and in blessings, He is there. In losing a child, whether at 5 weeks, or 14 weeks, or 38 weeks pregnant, He is there. He is good, he knows the hurt, and he is there. In allowing ourselves to be held by God, we can face the heartache of the world not being as it was meant to be. We don't have to bear the weight of that pain alone.

A Letter to Seventeen-Year-Old Me

Recently, a question was proposed on a blog I follow, Mundane Faithfulness (which is written, by the way, by my favorite elementary school teacher), that made me think. A lot.

“When you were 17 or 18 ish and about to graduate- what words of love did you need to hear? ...What would you say to your 17 year old self if you had the chance?”

There were many things that I needed to hear when I was seventeen. I needed a lot of advice and a lot of guidance- and I needed a lot of affirmation. And though the question presented on Mundane Faithfulness was directed more towards the affirmation, it also made me think about the words of advice that I needed to hear as well.

Five years ago, I was seventeen, almost eighteen, and about to graduate high school. And I was terrified. Absolutely, completely, paralyzed in fear.
I was a deer in the headlights, watching my life barreling down the road, functioning only out of the hope that if I didn’t make a move, it would turn the other way and leave me be.
But of course, time passed anyway. And I said goodbye to the only friends I had, as they left for colleges in other states. And I said goodbye to my boyfriend of a year and a half, who was leaving for college in Kansas, and I wondered if he would ever come back to me. I holed myself up in my room, afraid to look for jobs, for fear that I would find one and have to face my social anxiety. And I begrudgingly signed up for graphic design classes at a community college, because in order to stay on my parents’ insurance, I needed to be in school. I resented the fact that I had to go to school at all, when I certainly had no idea what kind of “real-world career” I wanted to pursue. And I very much resented the fact that I was alone, and that change had come, and that I had lost every thread of the security blanket I had been clinging so tightly to.
I was exhausted, and bitter, and lonely.
And I needed very much to hear a few things. If I could go back in time and give myself the love and advice I needed, this is what I would tell myself. 

Dear Seventeen-year-old Me...

1. It’s okay if you don’t know what you want to do yet. Take it one day at a time and don't overwhelm yourself with the pressure to do it "right." Sometimes it takes a few years (or more) to figure out what you want to do. So if you're not sure, earn money- don't spend it. Be productive and wise with your time, energy and resources while you still are trying to find your direction, so that when you do know where you want to go, you will be in a good position to get there. Keep your eyes and your heart open, and when a door opens to something you love, don’t miss the chance to walk through.

2. Whatever you do when you should be doing something else is what you should be pursuing as a career. The things you find yourself using to procrastinate are the things you really love to do. If you pursue what you love as a career, you will be happy not only on the journey there, but when you arrive as well. It doesn't mean it will be easy- but it means it will be worth it to you.

3. Put yourself in the position to receive opportunities. Things will not fall in your lap. It's good to be patient, but be careful not to be stagnant. Be assertive and confident when the situation calls for it, and then, when you have done all you can do, then take a step back and wait.

4. Don't fear or fight change. Change always comes but never stays. You will always adjust, and settle into the new "normal." Adjustment periods are hard, and they will always be scary, but you will get better at anticipating them and coping with them as you get older. Embrace each change as practice for the next.

5. You are not confined by your label. The person that others know you to be does not limit who you are. You do not have to fit into the box that your family, friends, classmates or teachers have put you in. You do not have to fit in the box that you have put yourself in. At any point, you can turn the page and start new. You can be better, stronger, happier, healthier or kinder. You can quit old habits and start new ones. You can heal old wounds and seek to mend broken relationships. You can quit things you used to love, and start things you have never tried. Do not allow yourself to be tied to a reputation. And even if no one else accepts the change in you, you still can.

Go read the original post where this question was presented; what would you say to seventeen-year-old you?

Things To Do Before Marriage (That Actually Matter)

At the beginning of the year, a blog post circulated that made a case for the reasons that getting married young is a bad idea. It seems that everyone is getting married young these days, the author says, but she, on the other hand, is much happier to be able to do what really matters with her early twenties.

(You can read the post for yourself here.)

Aside from the bitter tone which dripped with condescension, the misguided content really struck a nerve with me. Because what followed next was a list of all the things that she suggests doing instead of wasting your time getting engaged. 

I’m inclined to believe that the list was written mostly tongue-in-cheek, and that she didn’t mean to imply that you could only do any of these things if you aren’t married (i.e. getting a passport, adopting a pet, making a cake, starting a small business, accomplishing a Pinterest project, or cutting your hair). Furthermore, I would hope that a person wouldn’t seriously consider making out with a stranger, dating two people at once, or being selfish to be valuable bucket-list items. Especially when said activities are offered as an alternative for settling down and marrying. But to each his own, I suppose?

There aren’t a lot of things I think you “should” do before you get married. I think it’s really different for every person. Some people aren’t ready to get married at 23. Some people aren’t ready at 30. Or 40, for that matter.

Some people got married at 19, and were perfectly happy and ready to do so. (Ahem.)

I think it has a lot to do with your unique life situation, and if you’re willing and able to commit to a lifelong relationship.
I think it has very little to do with how many things you’ve been able to check off your “list” before you must settle down and be miserable and stagnant for the rest of your life.

Really, I don’t believe that’s how marriage is supposed to work. I know for a fact that it doesn’t have to work like that.

So if you’re ready to be married, and you still haven’t traveled to that one distant country, or you haven’t achieved your career goals, or you’ve yet to experience that lifelong dream, then go get married and take your new spouse along for the journey.
Just be sure to let them in on your plans ahead of time.

All that being said, I think there are a few things that would be really good to do to prepare for the married life if you’re still waiting for the right one to come along, or if you aren’t quite ready to take the leap yet.

Are they prerequisites for a successful marriage? No.
Will you surely be miserable if you don’t get them all done before you say “I do”? Nope.

Because truthfully, just like many other things, you can do all of these after marriage too. But if you’re going to put your time and effort into doing something in preparation for marriage, why not put them into things that matter?

Some of the things on this list I did before I got married, and I’m happy I did. Some of them I didn’t, and I would do it differently if I could do it again. You live and you learn.

So here’s my re-evaluated list.

1. Save your money
I promise, there will be a day somewhere along the road where you suddenly need a large chunk of cash. You might run into this before you are married, but I can almost guarantee that you will run into it (more than once) afterwards.
Save 10% of everything you make- or save $20 of each paycheck, or save your tips, or come up with your own saving plan- but whatever you do, save. Borrow from yourself if you must, but pay yourself back as soon as the money comes in again. Tuck it away and bring it into your marriage as a gift to yourself and to your spouse. You won’t regret it, and your spouse will appreciate it! And if I’m wrong, and you never run into money trouble, you can thank yourself for being prepared anyway, and go buy yourself a jet or something.

2. Buy things that will last
Nice things last a long time; they also usually require a hefty dip into your wallet, which is something that, after marriage (and especially after kids) might be hard to scrape up at times. If you have the ability to save up for the good stuff while you’re still single, skip buying the cheap clothes, the plywood furniture, or the knock-off appliances. Do your research, go with tried-and-true products, and spend more now to save more later. When you still have them 5-10 years later, you will thank yourself.

3. Delve into self discovery
I think one of the best ways (if not the best way) to prepare yourself to be in a healthy relationship is to know who you are. Figure out your personality. Find out what makes you tick. What do you fear most? Why? What do you desire most? How do you try to get that desire met? How do you recharge? Why are you the way you are? Ask yourself those questions until you find the answers. Read some self discovery books, and then read them again. It may just happen that, in finding out who you are, you find out what type of person you want to be with, too.

4. Get in shape

A really cool perk about being single is having a little extra time that you can use for just you. Sure, you can exercise after marriage and after kids! But get those habits started now and it will be much easier to keep up when life gets a little busier and "me-time" doesn't show up as often as it used to. It’s harder to start eating healthy or hitting the gym when you’re not just focused on yourself anymore. If you can really get the hang of keeping yourself fit, you may even be able to graft your husband (and someday your kids) into that healthy lifestyle.

5. Pick up a hobby
It doesn't have to be interesting, and you don't have to be any good at it. Just find something that you love and do that. Join a volleyball league, pick up knitting, or learn how to play the guitar. It doesn't really matter what it is, as long as you love doing it. Someday you might forget your identity for a while. When that happens, go back to this little hobby and remember the stuff you enjoy doing. It’ll give you some perspective and lift your mood at the same time.

6. Become independent
By all means possible for you in your situation, start making strides to become an independent adult. This applies to finances, but it also applies to your personal life. If you are used to using your parents/siblings as a crutch when things go bad, make an effort to break those habits. Pay for your own stuff. Move out if you can. (Help out if you can't.) Start mentally preparing yourself to be on our own and it will be much smoother when the time comes to add a new person to your life, and to begin the process of becoming a new family with them. 

7. Learn a few recipes well
If you’re one of those people who loves baking and cooking, this probably won’t be an issue for you. If you’re not, try to think of a meal that you can master, and have that be “your meal.” Even if your spouse is the one who cooks most (or all) of the time, I can almost guarantee that there will be a day when you will need to cook. Maybe she’s sick as a dog and can’t lift her head, or he’s out of town for the weekend, or maybe the kids are hungry (NOW!) and you need to feed them something that’s not fast food, pronto.
When we first got married, my husband could make a peanut butter sandwich, or chips with melted shredded cheese on them. In the microwave. He called them "nachos," but I had a hard time getting on board with that. After a couple of morning-sickness-cooking-strikes where he was stranded on his own, he’s actually gotten really good at a lot of different things. He’s now the go-to guy in our house for pan-fried chicken, eggs and bacon, or grilled cheese. Whatta man, I tell ya.
So, like I said, you can learn it after marriage, but if you have the time, why not do it now?

Have anything to add to this list?
What do you think is important to do before you tie the knot?

Extroversion: What It Does (And Doesn't) Mean

Earlier, I wrote a post on the real meaning of introversion, and what it does and doesn’t actually mean. It’s only fair, I think, to give some attention to the other half of the population- the extroverts!

While there’s been a surge in the popularity of articles and blogs about introversion, there’s also seemingly been a surge in the negativity towards extroverts. It’s easy to inadvertently demonize people who are not like you (although it’s not fair), and, as it’s a lot of introverts who are speaking out about introversion and extroversion, it seems that is precisely what is happening.

Neither extroversion nor introversion is “better.” Although American culture values extroverts more (and- fun fact- Japanese culture values introverts more), they are actually equal. Each has its own benefits and each presents its own struggles.

But unfortunately, there are some misconceptions about extroverts, just like there are misconceptions about introverts.

Briefly answer this question- what do you think it means to be an extrovert?
Make a list of the qualities you associate with extroversion.
If you are an extrovert, list the things you think make you extroverted; if you are not, think of the ways you would identify someone else as an extrovert.

What’s on your list?

If your list describes tendencies or patterns of behavior, you’re probably headed in the right direction. If they describe personality traits, you may have a misconception of what extroversion actually means.

Why does it matter?

Like I mentioned in the post about introversion, in order to build good relationships with the people around us, we need to understand them, and to understand ourselves.
If you are an extrovert, understanding the characteristics of extroversion can give you such a deeper understanding of the way you work, and help you care for yourself better.
If you aren’t an extrovert, you know someone who is. Maybe it’s your spouse, or your boss, or your mother. More than half of the American population is extroverted!
Understanding how the people you know and love function will give you a better ability to communicate with them and to empathize with them.

What does it mean?

Just like introversion, extroversion describes a preference for either the external or the internal world, not a set of traits. [1]
While introverts prefer to direct their energy towards their internal world, extroverts prefer to direct it outward. In order to recharge themselves, extroverts need to interact with their external environment, as opposed to introverts, who need to attend to their inner world.
When we look at an extrovert, then, we see someone who needs to be able to think out loud and externally process their thoughts before internally reflecting on them. They tend to act before thinking, so to speak. They are drained by too much time internalizing, and need to engage their environment to recharge. They are energized by interaction with their physical environment in some way. This interaction might be done with others- by engaging with other people- or done alone, by being physically active, carrying out broad-scale plans, or brainstorming possible outcomes for what is currently happening.
In contrast to this behavior is that of introverts, who typically “think before they speak,” and who are energized by internalizing and drained by too much external activity.

There is a range of introversion to extroversion- a person will not fall perfectly onto one side or the other. This is to say that there is likely no such thing as a “complete” introvert or “complete” extrovert. Because there are so many different things that make up a personality, a person may have two conflicting traits that land them somewhere in the middle of extroversion and introversion. They will lean to one side or the other, but they may not be very extroverted or very introverted.

This can be confusing to a person who may actually be an extrovert, but who does not enjoy being constantly social, or who is not as “outgoing” as extroverts are expected to be. Some extroverts need more time alone than others- depending on how they specifically recharge by externalizing their energy. Extroverts who are energized by being around other people may need a lot of time to be social, but extroverts who are energized by highly physical activity may not. Additionally, extroverts may find that they are energized by certain people, but that others might actually stress them out. Negative or stressful socialization is not likely energizing for anyone- even the most gregarious extrovert!

The key to extroversion is the need for engaging with the external environment, not the need for social interaction.

If we understand what it does mean to be extroverted, we can then understand better what it does not mean. Generally, if we are attributing a trait, rather than a tendency, to extroversion, we know we’re off track.

Here are some common traits that are associated with extroversion. Think back to what you think describes an extrovert. Are any of the following traits on your list?

What does it not mean?

Obnoxious

A common myth about extroverts is that they are overly loud, annoying, or obnoxious. While that could be true, it is not something that is characteristic of extroverts. Rather, it’s characteristic of someone who lacks sufficient social skills. An extrovert who does not know how to properly interact with others may use these behaviors to get attention, to distract themselves and others from underlying emotions, to control others, or to accomplish attain some other unhealthy desire. It is also possible, though, for an introvert to display these same behaviors, and it is not an accurate way to characterize extroverts in general.

Social butterfly

While it is true that extroverts need to interact with their environment, it is not true that they are all "people-people". It’s a commonly accepted idea that extroverts “can’t be alone.” This idea actually describes an unbalanced extrovert, not a healthy one. Even extroverts need a little time to be alone, just as introverts need to be with others. It would be unhealthy for a person of either type to never have solitude or to never have interaction. Some extroverts are more social than others- while some interact with their social environment by talking and being with other people, others may prefer to interact with their physical environment instead by participating in physically engaging activities. In the same way that there are introverts who have many friends, there are also extroverts who only have a few. This is indicative of their need for interpersonal relationships, which is driven by several things other than extroversion.

Performer

Because it’s commonly thought that anyone who is in the spotlight (actors, speakers, politicians, etc...) must be extroverted, it’s assumed that extroverts must all be natural performers. Truthfully, there are many extroverts who do not seek the limelight, and do not prefer to be the center of attention. There are also introverts who make wonderful speakers and performers, and introverts who are attention-seeking. Extroverts do, as a pattern, like to be a part of the action, but they do not necessarily seek to be the center of it.

Self-centered

At least among introverts, there is a stigma of extroverts being selfish- that introverts listen, and extroverts like to hear themselves talk. While this can be true (of both introverts and extroverts, I should add), it is an indicator of the health of the individual, not a trait of their extroversion. Extroverts can be excellent listeners, selfless givers, and wonderful friends. In fact, it can be even more apparent when extroverts are not selfishly focused, as they tend to express that selflessness in more overt and obvious ways than introverts. Selfishness is certainly a problem, not a personality trait.

Highly emotional

Extroverts also have a reputation (in some circles) of being overly emotional or sentimental. Although there are certainly emotionally driven extroverts, there are actually many extroverts who are very logical and systematic, and, furthermore, even some who struggle to access their emotions at all. It may seem that extroverts are more emotional than introverts because those who do love to express their emotions tend to do so on a bigger, more intense scale. For every sentimental extrovert, though, there is an equally (but different) sentimental introvert. The intensity of a person's emotions is not necessarily indicative of their extroversion.

Shallow

Extroverts have an over-generalized reputation of being shallow and petty, especially in comparison to introverts, who have an equally generalized reputation of being deep and brooding. Both of these stereotypes are only that- stereotypes. Many extroverts love to read, write, and theorize, just like their introverted counterparts; and many introverts are not interested in deep thinking at all. Extroverts do tend to immerse themselves into many different things, in contrast to introverts, who tend to focus more intensely on a select few things. But those tendencies do not reflect the intelligence or depth of either type of people.

Do you have anything else to add?
Let me know what you think!

Also read: Introversion: What It Does And Doesn't Mean

Sources: 
[1] Understanding Yourself and Others, by Linda V. Berens and Dario Nardi

Introversion: What It Does (And Doesn't) Mean

Introversion is kind of trendy right now.

I’m not sure why or how it happened, but suddenly every introvert seems to be poking their head out on the internet. You’ve seen all the articles, right? 

“10 Secrets About Introverts”

“What it’s REALLY Like to be an Introvert” 

“What Every Introvert Wants You to Know”

Maybe it’s a mini-rebellion on behalf of the introvert community due to our culture's preference for extroverts. Introversion isn’t highly respected in a culture that values outspoken, social and assertive behavior. It’s not hard to feel devalued when inherent things about you- like being slow to act, needing time to emotionally recharge, or feeling drained by lots of activity- are considered by others to be undesirable, or even wrong.

But what has caught my eye lately is a lot of misunderstanding on what introversion actually means.

Stop for a second and ask yourself to describe introversion.
If you are one, think about what makes you an introvert. If you’re not, think about how you would know that someone was introverted.
Make a quick list of the things that come to mind.

Now look at the things you've listed.

If the things on your list describe a tendency or pattern of behavior, you’re probably on the right track.
If they describe personality traits, you’re not alone in your thinking- but you might have a misunderstanding of what introversion actually is.

Why does it matter?

In order to build good relationships with the people around us, we need to understand them, and to understand ourselves. Understanding how people work on a basic level is a really great place to start!
If you are an introvert, understanding the characteristics of introversion can give you such a deeper understanding of the way you work, and help you care for yourself better.
But even if you aren't an introvert, you know someone who is. Maybe it's your spouse or your significant other, your child, or your best friend. Maybe it's your mother or your sister, or even a coworker.
Understanding how the people you know and love function will give you a better ability to communicate with them and to empathize with them.

What does it mean?

It’s fundamentally important in understanding personalities that extroversion and introversion describe a preference for either the external or internal world, not a set of traits. [1] 
This means that extroverts prefer to direct their energy towards their external world, and introverts prefer to direct it towards their inner world. Extroverts are emotionally and mentally recharged by focusing outward, and introverts are recharged by focusing inward.
Practically applied, this means that introverts need time to internally reflect on what they  think and feel before they speak or act. It means that they tend to be drained by lots of external stimuli, and need to withdraw (either mentally or physically) from their environment to recharge.
This is in contrast to extroverts, who need to be able to think out loud and externally deal with their thoughts before internally reflecting on them, and who are energized by engaging in and interacting with their environment, even when they are alone. 

It’s crucial to understand, additionally, that there is a range of extroversion and introversion, and that a person may not fall cleanly on one end or the other. Because there are so many different things that make up a personality, a person may have two conflicting traits that land them somewhere in the middle of extroversion and introversion. They will lean to one side or the other, but they may not be very extroverted or very introverted.

For instance, although I am an introvert, I also love understanding and connecting with people. I need emotional connection and communication in my relationships. At the same time, though, I am very sensitive and need a lot of time to recharge from those interactions, and so I will frequently withdraw to ground myself and get energy to go out again. I am not 100% introverted; although I am certainly an introvert, I also am more outgoing than a portion of other introverts can be. This caused a lot of confusion for me, growing up, as I was under the impression that to be introverted meant that I had to be a loner. It's also caused a lot of confusion for other people in my life. I've been told on many occasions that I "can't" be an introvert, because I'm too outgoing. As it turns out, I was wrong, and so were they!

If we understand what it does mean to be introverted, we can then understand better what it does not mean. Generally, if we are attributing a trait, rather than a tendency, to introversion, we know we’re off track.

Here are some common traits that are associated with introversion. Think back to what you think describes an introvert. Are any of the following traits on your list?

What does it not mean?

Shy

Shyness is regularly associated with introversion. It’s almost used as a synonym sometimes, as if they mean the same thing. In reality, they are not actually connected at all. Both extroverts and introverts alike can feel nervous and withdrawn in social situations, and both can be confident and outgoing. So while you may find an introvert who is shy, you can also find many who are actually not shy at all. It might happen more often with introverts, but it’s actually not a characteristic of introversion. It’s very important not to interchange the two.

Insecure

There’s a stigma among introverts that the insecurity they feel stems from their introversion. This isn’t true! Introverts have as much potential to have self-confidence as do their extroverted counterparts. Introverts do, as a pattern, tend to be hesitant to act quickly. They tend to think before speaking or acting. However, this is not born out of insecurity, but out of a need to reflect inwardly before acting outwardly. Insecurity is a problem, not a personality trait. And it's certainly not something that is an inherent trait of introverts.

Anti-social

While introverts do need time away from others, they do not necessarily dislike being around others. In fact, many introverts not only like other people, but are very adept at interacting with them. Some introverts are very outgoing and friendly, and have great social skills. Other introverts do not have those skills, and have a lot of trouble interacting with people; some find interaction awkward and are unsure of how to connect with others. Likewise, there are actually extroverts who have trouble in social situations as well, and who don't enjoy the company of others. So to attribute anti-social behavior to introverts as a whole is very misleading, especially for people who are trying to understand whether they are introverted or extroverted. Many introverts mistype themselves as extroverts based on this misunderstanding.

Anxious

Anxiety is often a trait associated with introversion. It follows along the lines of shyness or anti-social behavior- being worried often, getting nervous in social situations, or being scared of talking to others. Each are traits of anxiety, not of introversion. And again, while there are anxious introverts, there are also introverts who have great inner peace. The same goes for extroverts; there are extroverts that do and do not suffer from anxiety. Anxiety is a problem all on its own! It’s important to see it as a separate thing, so that it can be dealt with and not written off as a personality trait.

Sensitive

Introverts can be sensitive- both to emotions and to physical stimuli. But this is actually a trait that is separate from introversion. Some people may be sensitive to conflict or to others’ emotions; this sensitivity shows up in people who are very in tune with their emotions or the emotions of others. Others may be sensitive to bright lights, loud sounds, or different smells. Sometimes this sensitivity can actually stem from being a Highly Sensitive Person, which is a trait that is more common in introverts, but also occurs in extroverts.  In the same way, though, there are also introverts who are very emotionally thick-skinned, and introverts who are energized by physical stimuli. So while sensitivity does show up in many introverts, it’s important to recognize that they do not necessarily coincide, and that a person may be one without the other. Equally as important is to recognize the fact that extroverts can also be sensitive, and so not to attribute sensitivity as a trait of introversion or extroversion.

Depressed

Introverts are not, by nature, sad or melancholy. While introverts may dwell on their sadness longer or in more depth, this tendency does not lend itself to depression. In fact, when it is used in a productive way, introverts have the potential to understand and process through their negative emotions more completely. Extroverts also experience sadness, but may express it and process it in a different way; depression is not isolated to either introverts or extroverts.

Lonely

I think it’s interesting that loneliness is a trait that is attributed to introversion, because, as people who need more space from the external world, it doesn’t make sense that being alone would necessarily make us lonely. Introverts absolutely feel lonely, but just as do extroverts! But whereas an extrovert may feel lonely because they have not been able to interact and expend energy outside themselves, an introvert may feel lonely because they have not felt a depth of connection with others that they are looking for.

Lethargic

This one is kind of a bizarre label to me. I’m not sure why introversion is associated with sleepiness, but it’s a little laughable, if you really think about it! I’ve heard this, mostly, from introverts themselves, making offhand comments about being tired or wanting to be in bed because they are introverted. While it’s true that introverts usually are more low-energy than extroverts, it is not necessarily the case. A high-energy introvert may tend to overwork himself and then need to recharge often by withdrawing and attending to his inner world for a while. In the same way, there are also low-energy extroverts, who like to relax.

Understanding ourselves and the people around us is important to creating and maintaining functional, healthy relationships!

Do you have anything to add?
I'd love to hear your thoughts!


Also Read: Extroversion: What It Does (And Doesn't) Mean

Sources:
[1] Understanding Yourself and Others, by Linda V. Berens and Dario Nardi

Healthy Fried Peaches

(gluten free, refined sugar free, can be dairy free/paleo/vegan)

Fried? Yes, that's right, "healthy" and "fried" in the same sentence.
This awesome little dessert is quickly whipped up by pan frying peaches in coconut oil.

I'm sure you've heard by now of the many good things about coconut oil. (If you're still not convinced, check this out.)

The warm honey-and-cinnamon flavored peaches make this reminiscent of peach pie, minus the loads of sugar.

It's pretty fantastic even if you aren't cutting sugar out of your diet, but it is absolutely a must if you are.
Because it has all of the "guilty-pleasure" taste with none of the actual guilt.

I came up with this recipe when I was eating Paleo, back before I got pregnant again. I was having some crazy bad sugar cravings, and this was my go-to for a dessert that didn't feel healthy. When I was eating Paleo, I still kept a little whole fat Greek yogurt in my diet (because I was breastfeeding and needed some extra calories, and because yogurt doesn't upset my body). But if you are eating strictly Paleo, or if you can't have dairy for any other reason, you could substitute whipped coconut cream instead!

I don't count calories- and the calories in this are all good ones- but if you are tracking, the calorie count comes to somewhere around 200 calories per serving before you add the yogurt. The additional calories depend on what (and how much) yogurt you use.

Healthy Fried Peaches

Serves: 2 small servings (or 1 large serving, I won't judge) 

Ingredients:

2 cups organic* frozen sliced peaches
2 Tbs coconut oil (virgin, unrefined)
1 Tbs raw honey
1 tsp ground cinnamon
greek yogurt (you can sub whipped coconut cream for dairy-free)

*Peaches are in the “dirty dozen”! Make sure you buy organic!)

Instructions: 

• Defrost 2 cups of frozen peaches.
(If you know you’re going to make this ahead of time, you can put the peaches in a container in the fridge for a couple of hours to thaw. If you need to defrost them faster, you can heat your oven until hot, put the peaches in, turn the oven OFF, and let them sit in the warmed oven for a few minutes. We don’t use a microwave in our house, but if you do, you could also defrost them quickly that way. They don’t need to be 100% defrosted- but the more defrosted they are, the quicker you will cook them and the more evenly they will cook.)

• When the peaches are thawed, mix the coconut oil, honey and cinnamon in a bowl until well combined.

• Heat a frying pan on medium heat, and put oil mixture in when the pan gets hot. Stir frequently.

• When the mixture is simmering (and looks bubbly & frothy), add peaches into the pan. Coat evenly with oil mixture, and arrange in a single layer. Return to a simmer, stirring frequently to be sure nothing burns.

• The mixture will get sticky and thick. If it starts to burn, turn your heat down a little and be sure to stir often.

• Simmer for about 10 minutes (depending on your stove and how cold your peaches were to begin with), or until a fork slides easily in and out of the peaches.

• Remove from heat.

• Serve with a dollop of Greek yogurt and a sprinkle of cinnamon. Feel satisfied and go on your way.

50 Conversations To Have Before You Get Married

I would like to preface this post by saying that this list started out very small, and grew very, very quickly. As it turns out, there are quite a few things that I think would be really helpful to talk about before you get married!

I began thinking of things that I wish my husband and I had talked with each other about before we got married. We dated for two and a half years before marrying, but most of these conversations were not on our radar until much later- usually when a problem arose, and we had to fix it. How many fights we could have saved ourselves if we had talked about these things ahead of time! 
Not to say that we don't still fight- of course we do. I don't think you could ever live with another person without some sort of misunderstanding or miscommunication coming up from time to time. But now that we understand these basic things about each other, we aren't starting from ground zero every time we get into an argument. I'm happy that we have made that kind of progress in the short time we have been married; I hope to say, fifty years down the road, that we have made much, much more.

I encourage you to do a few things with this list. 

First, go through each question and reflect on your own answers. It's tough to understand someone else if you do not understand yourself. If nothing else, these are just some good questions to help you have a deeper sense of self-awareness and understanding. 

Second, take one or two questions to your girlfriend/boyfriend or fiancé(e) (or to your spouse- most of them are still awesome conversations to have after marriage). Spark up a conversation and see where it goes. Tell them that you want to understand them more and explain why, and see if you can expand your relationship. I don't recommend trying to talk about all fifty in one sitting. I love to talk about these things, and even I would find that tedious. :)

And third, be conscious of the vulnerability that a lot of these questions bring. Some of them might be a little too heavy to start off with. Some people aren't comfortable rattling off such sensitive details, even to their significant other. Be understanding if your partner isn't ready to open up quite yet, and encourage them to meet you there when he or she is ready. 

I hope you find these conversations to be helpful in developing and deepening your relationship. :)

1. What are the most important/memorable parts of your childhood?

What are your first, favorite or most painful memories?  Things you remember most vividly? Times you don't like to remember?
[The more you know about your partner’s past, the more you can understand how he or she developed into the person you know today.]

2. How do you feel about your relationship with your mom?

Are you happy with it? What would you change about it? What do you love about it?

3. How do you feel about your relationship with your dad?

[Same as above- knowing how your partner relates to his or her parents is crucial to  empathizing and understanding him or her on a deeper level. It can help reveal some wounds or issues that may have come from either parent.]

4. How did your parents argue or fight?

Did they yell? Did they leave? Did they fight fair? Did they resolve it? Did they never let you see them fight?
[The way your partner’s parents fought can give you valuable insight into habits he or she may fall into when you fight.]

5. How did your parents raise you?

How connected did you feel to them? How were you disciplined? What kind of rules did your parents have? How strict were they? How do you feel about it now?
[Knowing how your partner was raised will give you an idea of how he or she might parent children someday- or possibly how he or she does not want to parent them.]

6. How do you want to parent your children? (if applicable)

Do you want to raise children like you were raised? What would you keep? What would you change? 
[Not everyone has the same idea of how to parent a child; do your ideas coincide with your partner's? Can you compromise with your differences?]

7. What do you prioritize?

Work? God? Spouse? Kids? Other family? Write a list of your priorites and put them in order. What would win out against another? What is at the top of the list?
[Knowing your partner's priorities is very important. Do those priorities match up with yours?]

8. Do you want kids?

If yes, how many? How long do you want to wait? How sure are you that you do or do not want kids?  
[This is extremely important to know before you get married. Remember that you may not be able to change your spouses mind. Can you live with their decision? Can you compromise?]

9. What is your relationship history?

What previous relationships have you had? How serious were they? How intimate were you emotionally and physically? Why did they end? How do you feel about them now? 
[You should be aware of whatever significant relationships happened in your partner's past so that you can better understand any underlying ideas, expectations or wounds he or she may bring into your relationship.]

10. What are your religious beliefs/views on spirituality?

What do you believe? How important are those beliefs to who you are? Do you believe the same things that I do?  Do you expect me to believe what you believe?
[Again, don’t assume that you will change your spouse. Can you live with their belief system?]

11. What are your important political views?

What issues are you passionate about? What issues are a trigger for you? 
[While political issues may not be a big deal to some people, to others, they are very important. It's good to have the conversation and discuss any areas you may disagree on.]

12. What traditions do you value?

Social/cultural traditions? Religious traditions? Family traditions? Personal traditions? How important are they to you? Why? 
 [Knowing what traditions your partner values will give you insight into what he or she will value. This may come up, for instance, when you plan to work on Christmas Eve, and your partner expected to spend it with you. Or it could come up when you want to sleep in on Sunday, and your partner expects to go to an early church service. These kinds of things are fixed earlier if you understand what the other person values and why.]

13. Where do you want to live? (or where won’t you live?)

Why or why not?
[It’s good to know, for instance, if you want to live abroad someday and your partner absolutely will not!]

14. What are your career plans?

What are your ambitions? Where do you want to go, eventually? How do you plan to get there? 
[Do your partner's plans match up with your future plans?]

15. What are your long term goals?

Where do you see yourself 5 years in the future? 10? 20? What do you want to accomplish in life? 
[Can you mesh your partner's plans with yours?]

16. How do you handle money?

Do you tend to spend it? Save it? Do you have any bad habits with it? Do you spend when you are emotional? Are you responsible? What is your history with money?
[The way your partner deals with money will be very important when he or she begins dealing with your money as a couple. If there are any problems, better to deal with them earlier than after the fact!]

17. Who has a lot of influence on you?

Your mom? Your best friend? Your sister? Who has the ability to change your mind? Who influences the way you think? 
[It’s important to know who your partner listens to and respects; it's especially important to know what kind of advice your partner will be receiving from those people, as one day he or she may be going to them for advice about your marriage.]

18. What are your expectations of sex?

How often do you expect to have it? Who should initiate it? What if one of you doesn’t want to and the other does?  
[The more in depth you understand your partner’s expectation of sex, the better off your marriage- and your sex life- will be.]

19. What are your expectations of marital roles?

Who is responsible for what in the home? Who is responsible for what in your marriage? Who do you expect to fulfill certain relationship roles? 
[Do those expectations match up with yours?]

20. What are your expectations of housework?

Who is expected to do what chores? Who takes out the trash? Who cooks dinner? Who cleans the toilets? Who does dishes? Who does laundry? 
[This was a very important question a mentor of ours asked us before my husband and I got married. Don't underestimate the power of hidden expectations! Knowing your partner’s preconceived expectations of roles in housework will save you many misunderstandings and fights later on!]

21. What are your "non-negotiables" in marriage?

What is unacceptable, no matter what? What do you see as an "unforgivable" offense? What would be your response to it? 
[It's crucial to know what things your partner will not tolerate in a relationship so that you can avoid problems before they happen.]

22. What are your views on divorce or separation?

Do you think it’s acceptable? In what situations? 
[Talking about your expectations for the longevity of your marriage is also extremely important. If one partner thinks that divorce should never happen, and the other thinks that marriage should end if the love is gone, they are coming into the marriage with two entirely different expectations.]

23. What is your view on marriage counseling or couples' therapy?

Are you willing to go to it? Under what circumstances? Do you think it’s helpful? Who would you go to?  
[Even if your marriage never gets to a breaking point, you may find yourself in need of a third party to help you work through some relationship problems. Do you and your partner see eye-to-eye about how those issues should be addressed?]

24. What are your expectations of my relationships with others?

How often do you expect me to see my friends? How close do you expect me to be with friends of the opposite sex? How much information about our relationship do you expect me to divulge to others? What are your limits on my emotional or physical closeness with others? 
[Whether it's with your coworkers, friends or family members, your partner will have some ideas of how close you should be to the people around you. It's important to discuss what his or her expectations are, and to assess if you are willing to respect those wishes.]

25. How do you tend to try to hurt others when you feel hurt?

[When we feel cornered, we tend to aim to hurt others in the way that we would be most hurt by. Those who are most hurt by harsh criticism will be highly critical of others. Those who are most hurt by abandonment will try to make others feel abandoned. Those who are most threatened by being controlled will become very controlling. It's helpful to know what your partner's tendency is in this area so that you can recognize it when it arises, thus giving you more understanding into their mindset and giving you the opportunity to address their hurt. This is a habit your partner may not recognize in themselves offhand; you might find this out by observation, later.] [1]

26. How do you deal with boundaries?

Do you have trouble saying “no” to certain (or all) people? Are you passive aggressive instead of direct? How do you react when people try to control you? Do you try to control others? Do you manipulate others? Do you let others say “no” to you without guilt or intimidation? 
[Whether your partner lets others cross his or her boundaries, or he or she crosses others' boundaries, you should be aware of how they relate to boundaries in general. The boundaries they set for others and accept from others will give you a look at how they will set and accept them in your relationship. Again, this may something your partner is unaware of, unless they have already reflected on it.]

27. What do you admire in other people?

What traits do you respect? What do you think are good traits to have? 
[The things we admire in others shed light on our values. If you admire honesty in someone, it's likely that you aim to have integrity in your own life. Likewise, if you admire less-than-desireable traits (such as respecting a person for "telling someone off"), it raises a red flag on values that may be misplaced.]

28. What can you not tolerate in other people?

What bothers you about people? What puts you past your limit? What do you think are bad traits to have? 
[Just as it's important to know what your partner admires, it's also important to know what traits he or she disapproves of, so that you can again see where their values lie.]

29. How do you relate with people I care about?

Do you like them? Can you get along with them? What do you think about them? 
[If your partner has issues getting along with people whose opinion you highly value, you must decide whether you value your relationship with your partner or the other person more; because there will likely be a time where you may have to choose between them. Are you willing to choose your partner?]

30. How do you react when other people are hurting?

Do you naturally notice it? Does it scare you? Does it make you uncomfortable? Do you feel hurt to see them hurting? Do you jump to help them? 
[Knowing how your partner responds to others' pain will give you insight into how he or she will respond when you are in pain.]

31. How do you respond to stress?

Do you become angry? Perfectionistic? Withdrawn? Impulsive? Critical? Irresponsible? What kinds of things do you do or say?  
[It's important to be able to recognize when your partner is acting under stress, so that you can be helpful and not hurtful to them.]

32. How do you respond to conflict?

Do you like to argue? Does it bother you? Are you willing to face conflict? Do you avoid it? Does it intimidate you? Do you fight fair? Do you yell? Do you intimidate? Do you withdraw? 
[Knowing how your partner fights will be very important as you navigate arguments and disagreements throughout your relationship. If there are inherent issues with how he or she deals with conflict, it is much better to work with them ahead of time, rather than waiting until the problem arises.]

33. How do you respond to grief?

Do you cry? Do you need to be alone? Do you need to talk about it? Do you become angry? Are you hard to talk to? Do you open up about how you feel? Do you let yourself feel negative emotions? What do you do to make yourself cope?
[Unfortunately, every relationship is bound to cross a bridge where one or both of you will face tragedy of some sort. It's important to know how your partner will respond in these situations so that you can anticipate the reaction and be able to work with it.]

34. What helps you de-stress?

What do you do when you need to blow off steam? What activities help you feel better? What gives you relief from stress? 
[There will be times where your partner needs to calm down and do something to relieve tension. Knowing what helps your partner can not only give you more understanding into the things he or she will do at these times, but can also give you the opportunity to be helpful if need be.]

35. What makes you feel loved by others?

What things do people do that make you feel most appreciated or loved? What is the most loving thing someone has ever done for you? How do you know someone cares about you? 
[Understanding your partner's "love language" will not only help you to keep your connection strong and help them feel loved, but it will also help you solve problems down the road when you may not be "speaking their language."] [2]

36. How do you show others love?

When you want someone to feel loved, how do you show them? What meaningful things do you do to convey your feelings for others? 
[Usually we show love in the same way we receive it, but sometimes it can differ a little. Keep in mind how your partner shows love; someday, when you are feeling neglected, remember to look for the ways that he or she shows love- not just the ways you naturally receive it.] [2]

37. How do you learn things best?

What is the quickest or best way for you to learn something? Do you need to talk it through? Hear it out loud? Try it yourself?  
[Understanding how your partner learns best can help immensely when you are trying to work together on something.]

38.What makes an apology feel genuine to you?

How do you know when someone is really sorry? Do they need to be regretful? Do they need to say they were wrong? Do they need to do something to make it better? What makes you feel like the issue is put to rest? 
[It’s really important to know your partner’s “apology language.” People value different things in apologies; so you may apologize to your partner genuinely, but if it lacks what he or she values in an apology, he or she may think you are insincere. Understanding your differences in this area will help you to resolve and avoid many fights in the future!] [3]

39. How do you see yourself?

What is your “identity?” How would you describe yourself, in a nutshell? What is your personality like? What do you think about your appearance? 
[Does your partner's idea of who they are match up with how you see them? Why or why not?]

40. What do you dislike most about yourself?

What traits do you wish you didn’t have? What traits do you try to get rid of? Physical traits? Personality traits?  
[Understanding what your partner dislikes in themselves can give you a heads-up for sensitive areas you should know about. You may not agree with the things they dislike, but it will help you understand how they feel about themselves.]

41. What do you most value in yourself?

What traits are you proud of? Physical traits? Personality traits? 
[Just as it's important to know what your partner dislikes about themselves, it's also important to know what they like about themselves. These are the things they will likely value most and will keep around.]

42. What emotionally recharges you?

When you are mentally exhausted, what gives you energy again? Brainstorming new ideas? Making lists? Going to coffee with a friend? Doing something physical? What makes you feel like “yourself” again? 
[It's so helpful to know how to help your partner recharge- especially if their way of recharging does not match up with yours]

43. What emotionally drains you?
What wears you out fastest? Social events? Too many plans? Dealing with someone else’s emotions? Being alone for too long? 
[If you know what will drain your partner, you can be sensitive to those situations and anticipate them needing some time to recharge afterwards.]

44. Are you more comfortable sticking to structure or leaving room for plans to change?

Do you like predictability or spontaneity? What makes you feel more at ease? What makes you feel frustrated? 
[If your partner's answer is different than yours, understand that you will need to compromise at times to be sure that both of your needs are met.]

45. Does it come more naturally to you to make decisions based off of what is fair and logical or based off of what you feel?

Do you find yourself thinking in terms of logic or feelings? Do you tend to be more of a “thinker” or a “feeler”?  
[So many misunderstandings in communication root out of a basic difference in how we make decisions! If your answer differs from your partners, understand that there will be times that you will not see eye to eye about how things should be done. Mutual respect and lots of patience and communication will be necessary to get things done in these situations.]

46. What triggers your anger?

[It’s good to know where these emotional bombs lie, so you can avoid them when you should, and approach them sensitively if you need to.]

47. What embarrasses you?

[Sometimes people are embarrassed by things that we never would guess. In order to avoid humiliating your partner unintentionally, it’s important to know what kinds of things embarrass them.]

48. What are your biggest temptations?

What do you struggle with most? What do you have a hard time saying “no” to? Are you able to say no? What do you do to deal with the temptation?
[Understanding where your partner is weak is crucial to helping support them. Knowing what they struggle with can also shed light on areas where you may not have seen a problem before.]

49. What is your deepest desire?

[Every person has something that they deeply need. Some desire to be good and have integrity, others to be loved and needed. Some desire to be unique and true to themselves, others to be valuable and successful. Some need to feel secure, others to be happy, others to be competent. Some desire to protect themselves, and some to find inner peace. What is the thing that your partner searches for above all else? This will give you a very important insight into his or her motivations, feelings and actions. This is a very deep and vulnerable thing to ask someone, and it is something that not everyone will have an understanding of. Don’t expect your partner to know right away, but aim to understand it if you can.] [1]

50. What is your deepest fear?

[Just as everyone desires something, everyone fears something too. What fear is most terrifying to you? Do you fear that something is wrong with you or that you lack inherent value? Do you fear that you are unworthy of love? Do you fear that you do not have an identity or that you are incompetent? Do you fear being trapped in pain? Losing support? Losing connection? Do you fear being controlled? Like the previous question, this is very sensitive ground to tread on and should be treated as such. Be respectful if your partner is not able or willing to reveal such a vulnerable part of his or herself to you yet, but encourage them to share it with you when they are ready! This is something that will help your relationship grow so deeply, if you are willing to be understanding of the other’s fears. When we know what people fear, we know why they act the way they do. We can understand them and empathize with them on a much deeper level, and our relationship becomes much stronger.] [1]


What about you? Were there any things you wish you would have talked to your spouse about before you married? Add anything you think should be on the list!


You might also like: Things To Do Before You Get Married (That Actually Matter)

Sources:
[1] The Wisdom of the Enneagram: The Complete Guide to Psychological and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types, by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson
[2] The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, by Gary Chapman
[3] The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships, by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas

Staying At Home Is A Blessing

 

“What do you want to do when you graduate?”

I, like every other high school senior, heard this question probably hundreds of times as graduation approached. I dreaded answering it. I came up with a few satisfactory answers that shifted the conversation elsewhere. It became an automated response.

“I’m going to take some basic courses and see where it goes from there.”

“I’m going to community college and getting some cheap courses until I’m sure.”

And eventually,

“I’m going into graphic design.”

Because, despite the fact that I had very little interest in graphic design as a career, it seemed to give people the answer they wanted. I was supposed to have something, right? Other kids were going to study business or medicine. They were going to be lawyers or entrepreneurs or something impressive. And so when that question came up, I didn’t want to face the reaction when I told them the truth.

The truth was, I didn’t want to go to college at all. I was going because it would keep me on my parents’ insurance longer.
The truth was, I didn’t want a career. I didn’t want to climb the corporate ladder or start my own business, or do anything I was expected to do.
The truth was, all I wanted was to be a wife and a mother.

I wanted to settle down, have babies, and raise them. I wanted to stay at home with my kids, however many we would have, and be a housewife. That's what I wanted. That's the career I dreamed of. It was the desire of my heart, above everything else.

And let's be honest- the reactions to that dream range anywhere from the well-meaning, "oh...that's nice!" to the insulting, "um...okay, but what do you want to do for a job?"
And then there were the moms who insisted that I would regret staying at home. That I didn't understand- I didn't have kids yet! That I would want to get out of the house. That staying at home isn't what I really wanted.

"You'll see!"

I didn't want to have to argue whether it was a "real" job or not. I didn't want to have to explain why I wanted to do something that not everyone respected. I wasn't confident that I could defend my position. I wasn't sure, really, that those people weren't right, and that when I became a mother, I wouldn't just change my mind like they did.
And so, I didn't tell those people what I really wanted.

But the years leading up until I was able to finally settle down were, in my mind, just a waiting period. I took some college courses, got a couple minimum wage jobs, and bought several animals in an effort to silence the aching baby fever that had been plaguing me since I was a teenager.
The time did pass, although I swore many times that it never would. Of course, I was  wrong.

And I find myself now, almost five years later, married to my best friend, five months pregnant and caring for our thirteen month old daughter.
I find myself in yoga pants and my husband’s t-shirt, picking raisins out of the carpet and putting away laundry that should have been done three days ago.
I find myself living the life of tantrums, poopy diapers, spilled milk and dirty dishes.
I find myself thinking of new ways to get out of the house with an explorative toddler and an ever-growing belly in tow.
I find myself mentally, physically and emotionally drained on a daily basis.
But most importantly, I find myself more happy and fulfilled than I have ever been.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not always so positive about staying at home. I’ve had a pretty crappy attitude at times. I’ve had my share of emotional breakdowns. I’ve felt discouraged and lonely. I’ve been angry when I can’t buy something we need. I’ve been frustrated when I’m needed in the middle of the night or when the dishes pile up for the third time that day.
It wouldn't be hard to get stuck in a negative mindset. I could easily find a few reasons every day to be angry or discouraged, or to feel like staying at home is too hard for me. It's taken a lot of work to continuously re-frame my mindset and be thankful for the place I'm in, rather than to be resentful of it. Because while staying at home and raising our children is what I always dreamed of, it's also very demanding. Our decision to have me stay at home has meant a lot of sacrifice for both me and for my husband.

Living on one income isn’t the easy choice for us. We have never been in a financial position where we could be unaffected by the loss of one of our incomes. But truthfully, we are making it. We have a roof over our heads and food in the fridge, and we’re learning a lot of good lessons about cutting corners with our money.

Would it be easier to have some wiggle room in our budget? Absolutely. Would it be nice to be able to get new shoes when they wear out? Yep. Would it be awesome if I could take my daughter to the zoo, or afford some awesome new toys for her? Of course!

But when it comes down to it, she doesn’t know the difference. She doesn’t know that we aren’t spending a lot of money right now, or that we sacrifice a lot of things to make sure she’s taken care of. She’s fed, clothed and clean. She’s protected and provided for. She doesn’t need more expensive clothes. She doesn't need to go on fancy vacations. She doesn't need the excess of material things or experiences; she needs to be loved and nurtured.

And because God has blessed us with a life where I can provide that one-on-one attention for her every day, we will sacrifice whatever is necessary to continue to give that to her. We will always prioritize our family over our financial comfort, and will trust God to meet us where we can not keep up. He has always provided for our needs. He has promised that he always will. I believe that promise with all of my heart.

And so, despite the sacrifices that need to be made in order to make this lifestyle work for us, I can honestly say that I have not a single regret. Being a stay-at-home mom has given me a sense of purpose and a peace with my life more than anything ever has. God has blessed us with children, and I have chosen to stay at home to raise them.

I know not all people agree with me on this, but I firmly believe that being a stay-at-home mom isn’t a burden. It’s not a curse. It’s not something to resent your working husband for. It's not something to regret or to despise.
Not all women are able to stay at home with their children. In some families, it’s just not an option. So when it is, I think it is something that should be embraced!

Being a stay-at-home mom is a blessing! 

I wish I could go back in time and tell Past Me to stop worrying about what other people think. I wish I could tell her that God put that desire on her heart for a reason, and that the attitudes and beliefs of others shouldn't outweigh what she knows is right for her life.

I can't change my past, but I hope I can encourage any mamas (and future mamas) to believe that, if staying at home is what you want for your family, you can do it.
And not only can you do it, but you can find fulfillment and purpose in it.
It's all in how you choose to look at it.

Christianity and Breastfeeding: Are We Getting It Wrong?

photo by Kelsey Gossett

Breastfeeding is a touchy subject.
I didn’t realize this until I became a mother and began breastfeeding my girl. What a range of ideas you can run into when talking about breastfeeding! And how easily arguments and disagreements can arise when it is brought up!

For as many people that love breastfeeding and don’t have any problems with it, it seems that there are just as many who have some pretty strong opinions against it.

“Breastfeeding is fine for babies, but it’s just weird once they can ask for it.”

“Breastfeeding is a private thing; it should be done behind closed doors.”

“Men/children shouldn’t be subjected to seeing a woman breastfeeding.”

“It’s gross/unnatural to breastfeed a child past [some specific age].”

You’ve heard those statements, haven’t you? I know I have.

But what bothers me is this: I have heard these things from fellow Christians. I’ve seen them on Christian blogs, from Christians on Facebook, and from Christians in person.

And over the last year, as I’ve breastfed, read and educated myself, and spent countless time thinking it over, I’ve really begun to see breastfeeding as an issue that Christians should support, not oppose. I’ve begun to see breastfeeding in the light of the Bible, and in the way that I believe God intended for it to be seen.

My goal in writing this is not to advocate that “breast is best.” Yes, I am a firm supporter of breastfeeding! But there are countless other resources where you can read up on the benefits, if you’re unsure. (Some great articles here, here and here )

Likewise, my goal is not to say that all Christians should breastfeed, or that a Christian who does not breastfeed should feel guilty. Of course, mothers choose not to breastfeed for a variety of personal reasons that are, really, not mine to judge! I would not want a mother to feel as if she was going against God if she were not to breastfeed. I do not believe that is the case.

What I would like to do is propose a question to those Christians who feel uncomfortable with or who oppose breastfeeding. Those Christians who feel that breastfeeding is weird, wrong, or even a little embarrassing- that it’s something that should be done in the privacy of your own home (if at all). Those Christians who are offended by a mother breastfeeding a child in public, or who steer clear of the mom who says she still breastfeeds her three year old. 
For those Christians who fall into this mindset, I would like to propose an idea.

What if God intended breastfeeding to be beautiful, not strange?

What if, by accepting the idea that there is something inherently private about breastfeeding, we are accepting the world‘s message about our bodies, and denying God’s?

And most importantly, if God loves breastfeeding, why would we have an issue with it?

photo by Kelsey Gossett

God’s Message About Breastfeeding

Mentioned upwards of sixteen different times in the Bible, God gives a beautiful picture of breastfeeding. I think it’s much more important to note the way the Bible presents breastfeeding rather than to argue why it appears there.

Of course, during these times, breastfeeding was really the only available method for feeding a baby, before safe or viable alternatives existed. But the Bible doesn’t present breastfeeding as just a mundane, necessary part of life. Instead, the picture that God gives us of breastfeeding is one of purity and beauty. It is used in context with healing, fulfillment and connection.

Isaiah 66:10-11
10 Rejoice with Jerusalem and be glad for her,
    all you who love her;
rejoice greatly with her,
    all you who mourn over her.
11 For you will nurse and be satisfied
    at her comforting breasts;
you will drink deeply
    and delight in her overflowing abundance.

Psalms 22:9-10

9 Yet you brought me out of the womb;

   you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast.

10 From birth I was cast on you;

   from my mother’s womb you have been my God.

Breastfeeding is listed among other blessings, giving us that it is considered a blessing not only to have children, but to be able to nourish them in this way.

Genesis 49:25

25 because of your father’s God, who helps you,
    because of the Almighty, who blesses you
with blessings of the skies above,
    blessings of the deep springs below,
    blessings of the breast and womb.

And, conversely, the inability to nurse is considered to be a curse.

Hosea 9:14

14 Give them, Lord—

    what will you give them?

Give them wombs that miscarry

    and breasts that are dry.

It’s even used for an analogy for purity of living, comparing the nourishment of our spirits to the nourishment babies receive while nursing. What a significant comparison!

1 Peter 2:2-3
2 Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, 3 now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.

Again and again, the Bible uses this type of language to paint a picture of the breastfeeding relationship between mother and child. This picture is one of a natural, beautiful interaction which gives nourishment to the child and provides him a loving connection to his mother.

On that note, it’s important to remember who else would have been breastfed. If you haven't seen the bumper sticker already, I'll clue you in: Jesus.

Luke 11:27
27 As Jesus was saying these things, a woman in the crowd called out, “Blessed is the mother who gave you birth and nursed you."

Aside from this verse, we can gather that Jesus was breastfed due to historical context. It was customary for Hebrew babies at this time to be breastfed by their mothers. More interestingly, I think, is that the children were weaned well into toddlerhood; most accounts agree that the weaning age fell somewhere between three and four years old. [3]

So let’s think about that for a second.
Not only was Jesus Christ a breastfed babe; he was a breastfed toddler, too.
That means he was “old enough to ask for it.”

Now, if that makes you uncomfortable, take a second to ask yourself a very important question: why?

If Jesus breastfed, not just as a newborn, but as a walking, talking toddler too, what does that tell us about God’s perspective of breastfeeding? I’d venture to say that it certainly does not make him cringe or feel uneasy.
Would you allow your small child to do something that you found unnatural or wrong? Of course not! Why then would God allow his Son to be breastfed, if he felt there was something inherently wrong about it? Would he not want the best for his Son? 

If breastfeeding is pure and good for the Son of God, certainly it is good enough for our children as well.

God not only created breastfeeding; he sees it as something to be loved and cherished! And as we know that God is unchanging, we know that the way he viewed breastfeeding so long ago is still the way he views it today.

So why, then, does it make people uncomfortable?

photo by Kelsey Gossett

Our Culture’s Message About Breastfeeding

It’s hard to see outside the scope of our own culture, but breastfeeding isn’t viewed negatively worldwide. It’s in our Western culture that we see the over sexualization  of breasts seeping into society’s view of breastfeeding. It’s in our culture that we accept the idea that breasts are, simply put, playthings.
Breasts are for the bedroom. Breasts are for sex. Breasts are for men.

Does that bother you?
It should. It certainly bothers me.

But think about it.

Why would it be acceptable for a woman to wear a low cut or barely-there top, revealing most of her breasts but the nipple, but not acceptable for a mother to have a baby latched onto her in public, covering at least the same amount, if not more, skin?

Why would it be expected to see a larger-than-life image of a woman donned in only her bra and underwear on a Victoria’s Secret advertisement in the mall, but shocking to see an image of a mother’s breast in her child’s mouth?

Why would it be okay for a woman to walk around the beach in a dental floss bikini, but weird if she were to sit down and nurse her child?

We have bought into the message in America that breasts are only sexual, and have no place outside of sex. And how naturally uncomfortable, then, is it to mix something sexual with something innocent, such as feeding a child! If you accept the idea that breasts are only sexual, you likely would feel unnerved by introducing a child to that picture. We know, naturally, that children should not be intertwined with sexuality.

And so, when a woman is nursing, whether baby or toddler, those comments and thoughts arise.

"That’s unnatural."

"That’s gross."

"That’s weird."

"Can’t she hide that?"

"I don’t want to have to see that."

The shaming message is loud and clear: keep those breasts where they belong- in the bedroom.

So how did this happen? Where did the breast obsession begin?

A cycle began in the late 1800s to early 1900s with a decline in breastfeeding, due to many factors, including the introduction of and increasing demand for artificial milk and the need for more women in the workforce. [1]  Less women breastfeeding caused there to be less exposure to breasts in a non-sexual context, which then encouraged an even further decline in breastfeeding, and so on.

As breastfeeding in public (and in private) became less and less common, the next generations were raised with little to no knowledge of breasts in their functional context. A generation of children were raised only to know breasts in a sexual way, and were not exposed to them outside of this context as previous generations and other cultures had been. Instead of growing up seeing breasts in a non-sexual context, as children usually would when being exposed to family and friends breastfeeding their babies, children were sheltered from this natural part of child-rearing.

And so, as the function of breasts was isolated to be singularly sexual, the over-sexualization of breasts began snowballing. I really love this explanation of how this cycle plays out psychologically in children.

“...weaned toddlers and babies are still interested in breasts and want to touch them. Unfortunately, many times the mother feels uneasy about it and maybe thinks it is "indecent" or "perverted" behavior....The child is probably taught that touching naked breasts is BAD, it is a "NO-NO". Now, if the mother never lets her children see bare breasts, it is no wonder that the child develops a curiosity towards breasts. The child stars thinking, "What is it about them? Wonder what they look like? Why do they keep them hidden?"...On top of that, the media presents breasts not only as forbidden but something exciting and sexual, which starts arousing sexual feelings especially in boys...It all starts when you take the breast away from the child and then make seeing breasts a forbidden no-no for the rest of the child's growing period. The end result is a distorted view of female breasts.” [2]

As one generation was taught that breasts were only sexual, they taught the next to idolize and obsess over them even more. They, then, passed this idea to the next generation, and so the cycle continued.

When breasts are seen regularly in a non-sexual context, like breastfeeding, society becomes accustomed to seeing them in that way. Women are not offended by seeing another woman feed her child, nor are children scarred by it, nor are men aroused by it. It is simply a part of life, because of the regular exposure to it in a non-sexual way.

But when children are raised with only a sexual knowledge of breasts, and generation after generation is raised with no exposure to them in their natural, functional context, they increasingly become a forbidden fruit. They become sexual and only sexual.

It’s here, then, that we have arrived with a culture that idolizes and obsesses over breasts, and rejects the idea of their functional use.

With this in mind, it’s also important to not deny the sexual quality of breasts altogether. It’s not the sexualization of breasts that is the problem; it’s the over sexualization that becomes the issue, as a woman’s breasts are both meant to nourish a baby and to be sexually appealing!
If we look at the Bible, we find several references to the sexuality of breasts. Given, the references are far fewer than those about breastfeeding, but they still appear.

Proverbs 5:18-19
18  May your fountain be blessed,
    and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 A loving doe, a graceful deer—
    may her breasts satisfy you always,
    may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

Song of Solomon 4:1-7
4 How beautiful you are, my darling!
 
    Oh, how beautiful!

    Your eyes behind your veil are doves.

Your hair is like a flock of goats

    descending from the hills of Gilead.

2 Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn,

    coming up from the washing.

Each has its twin;

    not one of them is alone.

3 Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon;

    your mouth is lovely.

Your temples behind your veil

    are like the halves of a pomegranate.

4 Your neck is like the tower of David,

    built with courses of stone;

on it hang a thousand shields,

    all of them shields of warriors.

5 Your breasts are like two fawns,

    like twin fawns of a gazelle

    that browse among the lilies.

6 Until the day breaks

    and the shadows flee,

I will go to the mountain of myrrh

    and to the hill of incense.

7 You are altogether beautiful, my darling;

    there is no flaw in you.

Song of Solomon 7:7-9
6 How beautiful you are and how pleasing,
    my love, with your delights!
7 Your stature is like that of the palm,
    and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
8 I said, “I will climb the palm tree;
    I will take hold of its fruit.”
May your breasts be like clusters of grapes on the vine,
    the fragrance of your breath like apples,
9     and your mouth like the best wine.

The Bible certainly does not deny the sexuality of breasts; but what it does say about them is important. Never are the breasts sexualized in a way that they become the focal point of the woman or her sexuality. Notice that every mention of the woman’s breasts is included in a list of the other beauty she holds. The breasts are sexual because the woman was made to be sexual; the breasts are beautiful because God created the woman to be beautiful. And he created her to be beautiful as a whole.

Her breasts are sexual, yes, but as is her neck, her mouth and her back. How absurd would it be for us to deny the functionality of another body part? What if we only accepted the mouth as a sexual function, and felt unnerved by the sight of a person eating or drinking?

"Ma'am, please, do that at home, would you?"

"For heaven's sake, there are children here! The indecency!" 

It’s almost laughable, really. But how different is the situation in which we find ourselves viewing breasts in our culture? We accept the sexuality of breasts but reject their functionality. We allow them to be seen in a sexual context, but are offended by them in the context of breastfeeding.

The woman’s breasts were never meant to be a sexual obsession, or to be over sexualized to the point of denying their other purpose- the pure, healthy and blameless nourishment of her children.

What freedom God gives us in creating us, as women, to be both sexual and maternal! We are not bound to one or the other- we are made to love and be loved, to be nurturing and to be admired. I find such encouragement in that identity!

Whose message do we believe?

So if we compare God’s message about breastfeeding to our culture’s, we begin to see some very conflicting ideas.

God says:
Breastfeeding is beautiful, purposeful, natural, normal, pure, fulfilling, and wonderful. 

Our culture says:
Breastfeeding is embarrassing, uncomfortable, indecent, shameful, and something to be done in private.

And if we compare God’s message about the sexuality of breasts to our culture’s, we also see quite a contrast.

God says:
Breasts are both sexual and functional- for sexual pleasure and for breastfeeding. Breasts are beautiful because the woman is beautiful- desirable because I made her desirable.

Our culture says:
Breasts are made for sex only; they are made to be looked at and used for pleasure. 

So then, where do our ideas about breastfeeding line up with these messages? Whose message do we accept?

When we say that breastfeeding should be kept private, that a nursing mother needs to cover up, or that it’s unnatural for a woman to breastfeed a toddler, what message does that agree with?

If God says breastfeeding is good, pure and free from sexuality, does it make sense that it should make us feel ashamed or uncomfortable? Does it make sense that we should want it to be hidden from our children or our husbands?

If God says breasts were made for nourishment and for sexuality, does it make sense that we should feel averted to one or the other? Does it make sense that we should believe that they are only good for one purpose?

Whose message are you accepting? 

If not God’s, why not? 

photo by Kelsey Gossett

Sources:
[1] http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2684040/ 
[2]  http://www.007b.com/breast_obsession.php
[3] http://biblehub.com/topical/w/wean.htm