Things To Do Before Marriage (That Actually Matter)

At the beginning of the year, a blog post circulated that made a case for the reasons that getting married young is a bad idea. It seems that everyone is getting married young these days, the author says, but she, on the other hand, is much happier to be able to do what really matters with her early twenties.

(You can read the post for yourself here.)

Aside from the bitter tone which dripped with condescension, the misguided content really struck a nerve with me. Because what followed next was a list of all the things that she suggests doing instead of wasting your time getting engaged. 

I’m inclined to believe that the list was written mostly tongue-in-cheek, and that she didn’t mean to imply that you could only do any of these things if you aren’t married (i.e. getting a passport, adopting a pet, making a cake, starting a small business, accomplishing a Pinterest project, or cutting your hair). Furthermore, I would hope that a person wouldn’t seriously consider making out with a stranger, dating two people at once, or being selfish to be valuable bucket-list items. Especially when said activities are offered as an alternative for settling down and marrying. But to each his own, I suppose?

There aren’t a lot of things I think you “should” do before you get married. I think it’s really different for every person. Some people aren’t ready to get married at 23. Some people aren’t ready at 30. Or 40, for that matter.

Some people got married at 19, and were perfectly happy and ready to do so. (Ahem.)

I think it has a lot to do with your unique life situation, and if you’re willing and able to commit to a lifelong relationship.
I think it has very little to do with how many things you’ve been able to check off your “list” before you must settle down and be miserable and stagnant for the rest of your life.

Really, I don’t believe that’s how marriage is supposed to work. I know for a fact that it doesn’t have to work like that.

So if you’re ready to be married, and you still haven’t traveled to that one distant country, or you haven’t achieved your career goals, or you’ve yet to experience that lifelong dream, then go get married and take your new spouse along for the journey.
Just be sure to let them in on your plans ahead of time.

All that being said, I think there are a few things that would be really good to do to prepare for the married life if you’re still waiting for the right one to come along, or if you aren’t quite ready to take the leap yet.

Are they prerequisites for a successful marriage? No.
Will you surely be miserable if you don’t get them all done before you say “I do”? Nope.

Because truthfully, just like many other things, you can do all of these after marriage too. But if you’re going to put your time and effort into doing something in preparation for marriage, why not put them into things that matter?

Some of the things on this list I did before I got married, and I’m happy I did. Some of them I didn’t, and I would do it differently if I could do it again. You live and you learn.

So here’s my re-evaluated list.

1. Save your money
I promise, there will be a day somewhere along the road where you suddenly need a large chunk of cash. You might run into this before you are married, but I can almost guarantee that you will run into it (more than once) afterwards.
Save 10% of everything you make- or save $20 of each paycheck, or save your tips, or come up with your own saving plan- but whatever you do, save. Borrow from yourself if you must, but pay yourself back as soon as the money comes in again. Tuck it away and bring it into your marriage as a gift to yourself and to your spouse. You won’t regret it, and your spouse will appreciate it! And if I’m wrong, and you never run into money trouble, you can thank yourself for being prepared anyway, and go buy yourself a jet or something.

2. Buy things that will last
Nice things last a long time; they also usually require a hefty dip into your wallet, which is something that, after marriage (and especially after kids) might be hard to scrape up at times. If you have the ability to save up for the good stuff while you’re still single, skip buying the cheap clothes, the plywood furniture, or the knock-off appliances. Do your research, go with tried-and-true products, and spend more now to save more later. When you still have them 5-10 years later, you will thank yourself.

3. Delve into self discovery
I think one of the best ways (if not the best way) to prepare yourself to be in a healthy relationship is to know who you are. Figure out your personality. Find out what makes you tick. What do you fear most? Why? What do you desire most? How do you try to get that desire met? How do you recharge? Why are you the way you are? Ask yourself those questions until you find the answers. Read some self discovery books, and then read them again. It may just happen that, in finding out who you are, you find out what type of person you want to be with, too.

4. Get in shape

A really cool perk about being single is having a little extra time that you can use for just you. Sure, you can exercise after marriage and after kids! But get those habits started now and it will be much easier to keep up when life gets a little busier and "me-time" doesn't show up as often as it used to. It’s harder to start eating healthy or hitting the gym when you’re not just focused on yourself anymore. If you can really get the hang of keeping yourself fit, you may even be able to graft your husband (and someday your kids) into that healthy lifestyle.

5. Pick up a hobby
It doesn't have to be interesting, and you don't have to be any good at it. Just find something that you love and do that. Join a volleyball league, pick up knitting, or learn how to play the guitar. It doesn't really matter what it is, as long as you love doing it. Someday you might forget your identity for a while. When that happens, go back to this little hobby and remember the stuff you enjoy doing. It’ll give you some perspective and lift your mood at the same time.

6. Become independent
By all means possible for you in your situation, start making strides to become an independent adult. This applies to finances, but it also applies to your personal life. If you are used to using your parents/siblings as a crutch when things go bad, make an effort to break those habits. Pay for your own stuff. Move out if you can. (Help out if you can't.) Start mentally preparing yourself to be on our own and it will be much smoother when the time comes to add a new person to your life, and to begin the process of becoming a new family with them. 

7. Learn a few recipes well
If you’re one of those people who loves baking and cooking, this probably won’t be an issue for you. If you’re not, try to think of a meal that you can master, and have that be “your meal.” Even if your spouse is the one who cooks most (or all) of the time, I can almost guarantee that there will be a day when you will need to cook. Maybe she’s sick as a dog and can’t lift her head, or he’s out of town for the weekend, or maybe the kids are hungry (NOW!) and you need to feed them something that’s not fast food, pronto.
When we first got married, my husband could make a peanut butter sandwich, or chips with melted shredded cheese on them. In the microwave. He called them "nachos," but I had a hard time getting on board with that. After a couple of morning-sickness-cooking-strikes where he was stranded on his own, he’s actually gotten really good at a lot of different things. He’s now the go-to guy in our house for pan-fried chicken, eggs and bacon, or grilled cheese. Whatta man, I tell ya.
So, like I said, you can learn it after marriage, but if you have the time, why not do it now?

Have anything to add to this list?
What do you think is important to do before you tie the knot?