I had plans- big plans- on how my kids were going to behave, how I was going to look, and what my life was going to look like, and goshdarnit, nothing and nobody was going to get in my way.
You see, I had quite a bit of "experience."
I had played "Mommy" for several years of my life. First, babysitting from about the age of 11, and eventually nannying at 18. So when I got pregnant at 20, I pretty much had it in the bag.
Because, as all parents know, nannying is the perfect preparation for parenthood, and there are no differences whatsoever.
None.
I had watched parents intently, studied them, and analyzed their parenting choices. And I had a little mental list of things that I was going to do differently.
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| Pre-babies (June 2012) / Post-babies (July 2015) |
1. I would get my body back.
Yep. That was first on the list, priority-wise. (Stick with me, mamas, I promise I learned my lesson.) I was going to lose all of the baby weight within the first nine months, and then actually lose some more on top of that, just from working so hard. And it was going to be pretty easy, too, because I already had lost 20 pounds in 6 months for my wedding a year prior to my first pregnancy, and it really only took self-discipline and my handy calorie-counting app. So that was my gameplan. Because, really, moms who kept on that extra weight probably just weren't dedicated to losing it. And I was going to be dedicated, so...problem solved, right?And it took me two kids to actually learn this, but sometimes dedication just doesn't cut it. Sometimes your body is just too tired, and the best thing you can do for it is to rest. Sometimes that last 10-15 pounds is just sticking on there, and it's more beneficial, psychologically, to just let it go, eat well, and stop weighing yourself every morning. It's not about getting my body back, anymore. It's not about trying harder, either. It's about priorities- if I'm losing weight, but I'm drained and emotionally vacant, who really benefits from that? My kids certainly don't, and neither does my husband. And in the long run, neither do I.
2. I would keep my long hair.
NO MOM CUTS. No way. I was going to be the only mom around with extra-long hair, because I was not going to give in and cut it off.For what it's worth, I actually kept with this until my second daughter was about six months old. That's a solid two years, so I'm giving myself half-credit.
3. I would never "let myself go."
And by "not letting myself go," I meant that I would look cute, take showers, brush my hair, wear makeup, be thin, fit and put together. Because I wasn't going to use motherhood as an excuse to fall apart.I still wouldn't classify my current look as "let go," exactly... maybe more like "letting go of a few things at a time."
Like doing my hair, for example. Messy bun it is.
Or doing my makeup. (Foundation and mascara counts, right?)
I still dress up for special events, but my "event" threshold has raised a little bit, seeing as "leaving the house for any reason" used to qualify. Now it's a little more like "leaving the house for something other than errands."
And if this all sounds like a whole lot of excuses and rationalization to you, then no one asked you.
4. We would go on weekly date nights.
We were going to keep our marriage strong, right from the start, and not let our kids come between us. We would have a babysitter once a week, and we would go out and do something together.It's not a bad idea, actually, in theory. In fact, I still think it's a great goal to have, but practically speaking, it falls apart when you start calculating in the additional factors, such as "where-does-that-money-come-from" and "since-when-do-we-have-extra-time-each-week" and "it's-friday-and-all-I-want-is-sweatpants-and-wine."
5. My children would not be "bratty."
Like, maybe they would try it once or twice, but BAM! I would just parent it right out of them, and they would never do it again. Because only spoiled brats throw tantrums in the middle of Target, and my children would never, ever, ever be spoiled.I was pretty sure that the only reason kids ever threw fits was to get what they wanted, and so the logical counter would be to ignore them and not give in.
But as it turns out, there's a difference between "tantrums" and "meltdowns." Tantrums being emotionally-controlled, purposeful outbursts, and meltdowns being emotionally-uncontrolled break-downs caused by underdevelopment.
And so, it's not that my kids actually turned out to be spoiled or "bratty"; it's that my understanding of childhood behavior has developed. Now, that behavior is now reframed as a cue that my kids need my help to learn how to regulate their overwhelming emotions- not a cue that they're being "bad."
6. I would keep up with the housework.
I could not understand for the life of me why it was so hard to do the laundry and dishes on a regular basis. You clean up during nap time and after the kids go to bed, and do the other housework with them throughout the day.The logic was this: If I can keep up with the housework while nannying all day, why would I not be able to do it with my own kids?
And that logic breaks down right about the time that my own kids have kept me up all night, I haven't eaten in several hours, and by the time they go down for a nap, I want to do absolutely nothing. N-O-T-H-I-N-G.
Not even reach down and wipe that smashed grape off the floor.
No.
I'll just walk around it.
7. My baby would sleep through the night.
Babies just need to learn to sleep, I thought, and all I need to do is teach them.(This one would be HILARIOUS if it wasn't for the fact that I haven't slept through the night for something like two years straight.)
I read a lot about baby sleep, and I read a lot of things that made sense at the time. Just teach the baby to sleep, and then you'll all be happy. And that's true, actually. But I realized very quickly after having my first child that, while I wanted her to sleep, I prioritized her emotional and psychological health more. And so, the books went out the window and we did what was right for her.
Which, actually, worked out fine with our first, as far as sleep goes, because she was a natural-born sleeper from the start.
Our second daughter is a night-waker and a nap-fighter, and putting her to sleep is basically a lost art that only my husband has tapped into. So I let him, because who am I to argue?
8. My kids wouldn't watch TV before 2, and would watch it minimally afterward.
BECAUSE STUDIES SHOW.It was a good idea. Still working on that one.
First child was a little easier. We made it to something like 20 months before she watched Winnie-the-Pooh, at which point she became so obsessed with it that we let her watch it once a day.
The problem comes in with that second child, who is around while the older one is obsessively watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (we've since moved on from dear Pooh). How do you stop a toddling one year old from stopping two inches from the TV to dance to the Hot Dog Dance?
You don't. Okay?
You take that moment to go to the bathroom for the first time all morning, and maybe even check Facebook.
That's what you do.
9. I would be Eco-Mama Extraordinaire.
You get me. Cloth-diapers, homemade baby wipes, baby food from scratch, the whole nine yards. The biggest draw was the financial slack that we desperately needed when we had our first. And I actually did start out doing all of these things! It just didn't work for us in the long run, with the other 1000 things I started juggling.I keep telling myself that I'll do it with the next kid, so either I haven't really learned, or I will actually accomplish it someday. This one is yet to be seen.
10. We wouldn't buy kitschy toys/clothes/etc.
I never got why parents would buy all these ridiculous things. Does your kid need a Dora the Explorer backpack? Um...no?But there was something I really didn't account for, and that's "the look."
You know "that look," right? That look on your kid's face when they get something from that TV show they love, with their favorite character on it? That heart-eyed, you're-the-best-mom-ever look?
Yeah. That's the one.
Because the moment my daughter fell head-over-heels for Winnie the Pooh, it was all I could do not to buy her the entire collection of Pooh things. (You like those stickers? How about 5 more packs? Would you like a sippy cup and a dress to go with that?)
And if you don't know what "look" I'm talking about, you've probably never had a toddler. But if you do someday, you'll know when it happens to you. And you'll know, because you'll find yourself checking out at Target with 20 unplanned items with some Disney character plastered all over them.
Mamas, what did you think you'd be like as a parent, before you had kids?
