Things To Do Before Marriage (That Actually Matter)

At the beginning of the year, a blog post circulated that made a case for the reasons that getting married young is a bad idea. It seems that everyone is getting married young these days, the author says, but she, on the other hand, is much happier to be able to do what really matters with her early twenties.

(You can read the post for yourself here.)

Aside from the bitter tone which dripped with condescension, the misguided content really struck a nerve with me. Because what followed next was a list of all the things that she suggests doing instead of wasting your time getting engaged. 

I’m inclined to believe that the list was written mostly tongue-in-cheek, and that she didn’t mean to imply that you could only do any of these things if you aren’t married (i.e. getting a passport, adopting a pet, making a cake, starting a small business, accomplishing a Pinterest project, or cutting your hair). Furthermore, I would hope that a person wouldn’t seriously consider making out with a stranger, dating two people at once, or being selfish to be valuable bucket-list items. Especially when said activities are offered as an alternative for settling down and marrying. But to each his own, I suppose?

There aren’t a lot of things I think you “should” do before you get married. I think it’s really different for every person. Some people aren’t ready to get married at 23. Some people aren’t ready at 30. Or 40, for that matter.

Some people got married at 19, and were perfectly happy and ready to do so. (Ahem.)

I think it has a lot to do with your unique life situation, and if you’re willing and able to commit to a lifelong relationship.
I think it has very little to do with how many things you’ve been able to check off your “list” before you must settle down and be miserable and stagnant for the rest of your life.

Really, I don’t believe that’s how marriage is supposed to work. I know for a fact that it doesn’t have to work like that.

So if you’re ready to be married, and you still haven’t traveled to that one distant country, or you haven’t achieved your career goals, or you’ve yet to experience that lifelong dream, then go get married and take your new spouse along for the journey.
Just be sure to let them in on your plans ahead of time.

All that being said, I think there are a few things that would be really good to do to prepare for the married life if you’re still waiting for the right one to come along, or if you aren’t quite ready to take the leap yet.

Are they prerequisites for a successful marriage? No.
Will you surely be miserable if you don’t get them all done before you say “I do”? Nope.

Because truthfully, just like many other things, you can do all of these after marriage too. But if you’re going to put your time and effort into doing something in preparation for marriage, why not put them into things that matter?

Some of the things on this list I did before I got married, and I’m happy I did. Some of them I didn’t, and I would do it differently if I could do it again. You live and you learn.

So here’s my re-evaluated list.

1. Save your money
I promise, there will be a day somewhere along the road where you suddenly need a large chunk of cash. You might run into this before you are married, but I can almost guarantee that you will run into it (more than once) afterwards.
Save 10% of everything you make- or save $20 of each paycheck, or save your tips, or come up with your own saving plan- but whatever you do, save. Borrow from yourself if you must, but pay yourself back as soon as the money comes in again. Tuck it away and bring it into your marriage as a gift to yourself and to your spouse. You won’t regret it, and your spouse will appreciate it! And if I’m wrong, and you never run into money trouble, you can thank yourself for being prepared anyway, and go buy yourself a jet or something.

2. Buy things that will last
Nice things last a long time; they also usually require a hefty dip into your wallet, which is something that, after marriage (and especially after kids) might be hard to scrape up at times. If you have the ability to save up for the good stuff while you’re still single, skip buying the cheap clothes, the plywood furniture, or the knock-off appliances. Do your research, go with tried-and-true products, and spend more now to save more later. When you still have them 5-10 years later, you will thank yourself.

3. Delve into self discovery
I think one of the best ways (if not the best way) to prepare yourself to be in a healthy relationship is to know who you are. Figure out your personality. Find out what makes you tick. What do you fear most? Why? What do you desire most? How do you try to get that desire met? How do you recharge? Why are you the way you are? Ask yourself those questions until you find the answers. Read some self discovery books, and then read them again. It may just happen that, in finding out who you are, you find out what type of person you want to be with, too.

4. Get in shape

A really cool perk about being single is having a little extra time that you can use for just you. Sure, you can exercise after marriage and after kids! But get those habits started now and it will be much easier to keep up when life gets a little busier and "me-time" doesn't show up as often as it used to. It’s harder to start eating healthy or hitting the gym when you’re not just focused on yourself anymore. If you can really get the hang of keeping yourself fit, you may even be able to graft your husband (and someday your kids) into that healthy lifestyle.

5. Pick up a hobby
It doesn't have to be interesting, and you don't have to be any good at it. Just find something that you love and do that. Join a volleyball league, pick up knitting, or learn how to play the guitar. It doesn't really matter what it is, as long as you love doing it. Someday you might forget your identity for a while. When that happens, go back to this little hobby and remember the stuff you enjoy doing. It’ll give you some perspective and lift your mood at the same time.

6. Become independent
By all means possible for you in your situation, start making strides to become an independent adult. This applies to finances, but it also applies to your personal life. If you are used to using your parents/siblings as a crutch when things go bad, make an effort to break those habits. Pay for your own stuff. Move out if you can. (Help out if you can't.) Start mentally preparing yourself to be on our own and it will be much smoother when the time comes to add a new person to your life, and to begin the process of becoming a new family with them. 

7. Learn a few recipes well
If you’re one of those people who loves baking and cooking, this probably won’t be an issue for you. If you’re not, try to think of a meal that you can master, and have that be “your meal.” Even if your spouse is the one who cooks most (or all) of the time, I can almost guarantee that there will be a day when you will need to cook. Maybe she’s sick as a dog and can’t lift her head, or he’s out of town for the weekend, or maybe the kids are hungry (NOW!) and you need to feed them something that’s not fast food, pronto.
When we first got married, my husband could make a peanut butter sandwich, or chips with melted shredded cheese on them. In the microwave. He called them "nachos," but I had a hard time getting on board with that. After a couple of morning-sickness-cooking-strikes where he was stranded on his own, he’s actually gotten really good at a lot of different things. He’s now the go-to guy in our house for pan-fried chicken, eggs and bacon, or grilled cheese. Whatta man, I tell ya.
So, like I said, you can learn it after marriage, but if you have the time, why not do it now?

Have anything to add to this list?
What do you think is important to do before you tie the knot?

Extroversion: What It Does (And Doesn't) Mean

Earlier, I wrote a post on the real meaning of introversion, and what it does and doesn’t actually mean. It’s only fair, I think, to give some attention to the other half of the population- the extroverts!

While there’s been a surge in the popularity of articles and blogs about introversion, there’s also seemingly been a surge in the negativity towards extroverts. It’s easy to inadvertently demonize people who are not like you (although it’s not fair), and, as it’s a lot of introverts who are speaking out about introversion and extroversion, it seems that is precisely what is happening.

Neither extroversion nor introversion is “better.” Although American culture values extroverts more (and- fun fact- Japanese culture values introverts more), they are actually equal. Each has its own benefits and each presents its own struggles.

But unfortunately, there are some misconceptions about extroverts, just like there are misconceptions about introverts.

Briefly answer this question- what do you think it means to be an extrovert?
Make a list of the qualities you associate with extroversion.
If you are an extrovert, list the things you think make you extroverted; if you are not, think of the ways you would identify someone else as an extrovert.

What’s on your list?

If your list describes tendencies or patterns of behavior, you’re probably headed in the right direction. If they describe personality traits, you may have a misconception of what extroversion actually means.

Why does it matter?

Like I mentioned in the post about introversion, in order to build good relationships with the people around us, we need to understand them, and to understand ourselves.
If you are an extrovert, understanding the characteristics of extroversion can give you such a deeper understanding of the way you work, and help you care for yourself better.
If you aren’t an extrovert, you know someone who is. Maybe it’s your spouse, or your boss, or your mother. More than half of the American population is extroverted!
Understanding how the people you know and love function will give you a better ability to communicate with them and to empathize with them.

What does it mean?

Just like introversion, extroversion describes a preference for either the external or the internal world, not a set of traits. [1]
While introverts prefer to direct their energy towards their internal world, extroverts prefer to direct it outward. In order to recharge themselves, extroverts need to interact with their external environment, as opposed to introverts, who need to attend to their inner world.
When we look at an extrovert, then, we see someone who needs to be able to think out loud and externally process their thoughts before internally reflecting on them. They tend to act before thinking, so to speak. They are drained by too much time internalizing, and need to engage their environment to recharge. They are energized by interaction with their physical environment in some way. This interaction might be done with others- by engaging with other people- or done alone, by being physically active, carrying out broad-scale plans, or brainstorming possible outcomes for what is currently happening.
In contrast to this behavior is that of introverts, who typically “think before they speak,” and who are energized by internalizing and drained by too much external activity.

There is a range of introversion to extroversion- a person will not fall perfectly onto one side or the other. This is to say that there is likely no such thing as a “complete” introvert or “complete” extrovert. Because there are so many different things that make up a personality, a person may have two conflicting traits that land them somewhere in the middle of extroversion and introversion. They will lean to one side or the other, but they may not be very extroverted or very introverted.

This can be confusing to a person who may actually be an extrovert, but who does not enjoy being constantly social, or who is not as “outgoing” as extroverts are expected to be. Some extroverts need more time alone than others- depending on how they specifically recharge by externalizing their energy. Extroverts who are energized by being around other people may need a lot of time to be social, but extroverts who are energized by highly physical activity may not. Additionally, extroverts may find that they are energized by certain people, but that others might actually stress them out. Negative or stressful socialization is not likely energizing for anyone- even the most gregarious extrovert!

The key to extroversion is the need for engaging with the external environment, not the need for social interaction.

If we understand what it does mean to be extroverted, we can then understand better what it does not mean. Generally, if we are attributing a trait, rather than a tendency, to extroversion, we know we’re off track.

Here are some common traits that are associated with extroversion. Think back to what you think describes an extrovert. Are any of the following traits on your list?

What does it not mean?

Obnoxious

A common myth about extroverts is that they are overly loud, annoying, or obnoxious. While that could be true, it is not something that is characteristic of extroverts. Rather, it’s characteristic of someone who lacks sufficient social skills. An extrovert who does not know how to properly interact with others may use these behaviors to get attention, to distract themselves and others from underlying emotions, to control others, or to accomplish attain some other unhealthy desire. It is also possible, though, for an introvert to display these same behaviors, and it is not an accurate way to characterize extroverts in general.

Social butterfly

While it is true that extroverts need to interact with their environment, it is not true that they are all "people-people". It’s a commonly accepted idea that extroverts “can’t be alone.” This idea actually describes an unbalanced extrovert, not a healthy one. Even extroverts need a little time to be alone, just as introverts need to be with others. It would be unhealthy for a person of either type to never have solitude or to never have interaction. Some extroverts are more social than others- while some interact with their social environment by talking and being with other people, others may prefer to interact with their physical environment instead by participating in physically engaging activities. In the same way that there are introverts who have many friends, there are also extroverts who only have a few. This is indicative of their need for interpersonal relationships, which is driven by several things other than extroversion.

Performer

Because it’s commonly thought that anyone who is in the spotlight (actors, speakers, politicians, etc...) must be extroverted, it’s assumed that extroverts must all be natural performers. Truthfully, there are many extroverts who do not seek the limelight, and do not prefer to be the center of attention. There are also introverts who make wonderful speakers and performers, and introverts who are attention-seeking. Extroverts do, as a pattern, like to be a part of the action, but they do not necessarily seek to be the center of it.

Self-centered

At least among introverts, there is a stigma of extroverts being selfish- that introverts listen, and extroverts like to hear themselves talk. While this can be true (of both introverts and extroverts, I should add), it is an indicator of the health of the individual, not a trait of their extroversion. Extroverts can be excellent listeners, selfless givers, and wonderful friends. In fact, it can be even more apparent when extroverts are not selfishly focused, as they tend to express that selflessness in more overt and obvious ways than introverts. Selfishness is certainly a problem, not a personality trait.

Highly emotional

Extroverts also have a reputation (in some circles) of being overly emotional or sentimental. Although there are certainly emotionally driven extroverts, there are actually many extroverts who are very logical and systematic, and, furthermore, even some who struggle to access their emotions at all. It may seem that extroverts are more emotional than introverts because those who do love to express their emotions tend to do so on a bigger, more intense scale. For every sentimental extrovert, though, there is an equally (but different) sentimental introvert. The intensity of a person's emotions is not necessarily indicative of their extroversion.

Shallow

Extroverts have an over-generalized reputation of being shallow and petty, especially in comparison to introverts, who have an equally generalized reputation of being deep and brooding. Both of these stereotypes are only that- stereotypes. Many extroverts love to read, write, and theorize, just like their introverted counterparts; and many introverts are not interested in deep thinking at all. Extroverts do tend to immerse themselves into many different things, in contrast to introverts, who tend to focus more intensely on a select few things. But those tendencies do not reflect the intelligence or depth of either type of people.

Do you have anything else to add?
Let me know what you think!

Also read: Introversion: What It Does And Doesn't Mean

Sources: 
[1] Understanding Yourself and Others, by Linda V. Berens and Dario Nardi