20 Earliest Red Flags

People aren't always what they seem. 

If you didn't already know that- you're welcome!
Life lesson #1. 

It's easy to get so swept up in the idea of who someone is that you miss the reality of who they actually are- especially in the dating world.

If you need some examples, read on.

 
Example 1: 
Person A meets Person B.
Person B is charming, witty, empathetic, intelligent, and most importantly, nothing like A's ex.
B promises to never abandon A, and A trusts B.
They begin to make plans and talk about the future.
Then one day, with no warning, B ghosts, and they never speak again.
What did A miss?

Example 2: 
Person C meets Person D. 
D has been in bad relationship after bad relationship. 
D has a whole crew of crazy exes in the past.  
But C is different- D thinks C is perfect, and maybe even "the one."
So D starts pushing C to commit.
Engagement? Marriage? Maybe they could elope!
But then C leaves town, and upon returning, finds that D no longer feels that way anymore.
D never actually loved C as much as C loved D, D says. 
And with that, D leaves. 
How did everything change so quickly?       

The question remains: how do we miss these signs? How do we find these normal, wonderful people, and then-usually too late- learn they are nothing  like the people we thought they were?

The simple answer: talk is cheap. It's easy to say who you are; it's much harder to prove it. Here we are, looking for these obvious signs that this person is trouble- and we are getting sucked in by the people they claim to be. Meanwhile, we don't see the subtle red flags right in front of us. 

We are looking for the wrong things. 

We are looking for people who seem cruel and heartless and untrustworthy. We are looking for people who look like they're going to hurt us. 

But that's not how it usually works. Sure- there are the ones who actually look like jerks. But even more dangerous are the ones who look like really nice people- the pretenders. 

And that's why, often times, those of us who do fall for the pretenders, do so more than once. Why we keep thinking "this one" isn't like the rest. 

It would be nice, I think, if potential dates came with little warnings stuck to their foreheads: 

"I SEEM AMBITIOUS, BUT I'M BROKE AND LAZY, AND I ONLY WANT YOU FOR YOUR MONEY." 

"I WILL ROMANCE YOU, PURSUE YOU, MAKE YOU FALL IN LOVE, AND THEN SLEEP WITH YOU AND NEVER CALL YOU AGAIN." 

"I AM A CHRONIC ABUSER AND I WILL BREAK YOUR HEART- BUT ONLY ONCE WE GET MARRIED." 

(It would be helpful, don't you think?)

Because most of the time, by the time we see the really-obvious red flags, we're already emotionally attached. And at that point, it's hard to think clearly. (Thanks, infatuation.) Or, we only see them because we've just gotten crushed by someone we thought we could trust, and we are scouring the path for red flags we missed along the way. 

So how do we see those very early red flags? The ones that pop up before we get into a new relationship? 

We have to look for the right things.

Early red flags don't look like the big ones. They're not easy to spot. (They look a lot like a healthy relationship, unfortunately.)
And singularly, they aren't necessarily a reason to run the other way. But add a few more, and you should at least begin to slow down and start watching more intently. 

1. Watch how quickly the relationship moves forward. 

The Red Flag: They are rushing intimacy or commitment. They say things that would be appropriate in a well-established relationship, but are premature for an early one. 

2. Remember their stories. 

The Red Flag: Small inconsistencies in their accounts come up as time goes on. You're confused about the timeline of their past. Some stories may have gaps in them that don't make sense. A story may change just the slightest bit the second time you hear it. You might be told that you misunderstood or misheard. 

3. Ask about their exes. 

The Red Flag: They have an unusual amount of people in their past that are "bipolar," "psycho," "crazy," etc. They say their exes "are still in love" with them, or "wanted to get back together," but they didn't want that. They might have a lot of enemies. 

4. Figure out what's wrong with them 

The Red Flag: They seem too good to be true. You can't figure out what's wrong with them. They are everything you've ever wanted (and maybe more). When asked their weaknesses, they reveal things that don't really seem like significant weaknesses. They seem perfect- or perfect for you. 

5. Notice when your common sense fails.

The Red Flag: They seem to not fit the general rules of how you know people work. When you think they're going to follow those same lines of logic, they tell you they're different. You think they'll do A, but they do B. You think they'll feel Y, but they feel Z. They don't function the same way others do; they're the exception to every rule. 

6. Notice how much they listen and how much they reveal. 

The Red Flag: They listen a lot but don't reveal much. They are excellent listeners- They make eye contact, and hang on every word you say. They ask lots of questions and want to understand you. When you try to reciprocate, and learn about them, the conversation always seems to move back to you. After a few conversations, you might notice that they know a lot about you, but you don't know as much about them. 

7. Notice if you are quickly becoming dependent on them. 

The Red Flag: They immediately want to take care of you. They are very concerned with your wellbeing. They may say things like "I would take care of you," and "you need me." They want to buy you things and provide for your needs- things that would be normal in a committed relationship, but again, are premature for an early one. They want to know what you need. They are overly generous and won't accept "no" for an answer. 

8. Listen to how they talk about themselves.

The Red Flag: They sell their qualifications to you like they're in a job interview. They have a lot of good things to say about themselves. They're a self-proclaimed great worker, great boyfriend, great wife, great (fill-in-the-blank). It may be said jokingly, or as a "humble brag," or in seriousness. They may mention it via a third-party perspective ("my ex said I was the best girlfriend"/"people tell me my pictures don't do me justice"/"I've been told I'm an amazing kisser").

9. Listen to how they relate themselves to you.

The Red Flag: They position themselves above you. They passively or overtly compare themselves to you, almost always coming out ahead. They are nicer, better, smarter, funnier, stronger, more popular, more outgoing, more ambitious... you get the idea. Even if they never say it, you start noticing that you don't seem to measure up - even in categories in which you usually excel. 

10. Observe how you are introspecting around them.

The Red Flag: You are extensively over-analyzing and trying to rationalize their behavior. You find that you are questioning yourself in this relationship in ways you don't in others. You may be thinking you have commitment or trust issues. You are asking a lot of people (or researching) questions of "is this normal?" to gauge what you should think or feel of the relationship. Your relationship makes you act and feel ways that you don't act or feel with your closest friends or family.

11. Notice how their previous attachments have been.

The Red Flag: They don't have many long-lasting friendships. They might have multiple failed long-term relationships. They may have a broken family, or even might not speak to members of their own immediate family. They aren't grieved or devastated if one of their intimate relationships fall apart, or if someone they love cuts them off. They may even tell you they have attachment issues, or that they "don't get attached." 

12. Listen to how they speak about your future together. 

The Red Flag: They make real or imagined plans for the future with you that seem grandiose and/or premature. They use a lot of "when we..." language early on in the relationship. They may begin talking about things very far down the road as if they are a certainty, rather than a possibility. If you wait them out long enough, they likely don't follow through with these things. They like to fantasize with you of all the things you might do and be together. 

13. Notice how much trust they expect from you. 

The Red Flag: They expect trust from you that hasn't been earned. They ask you to be honest and vulnerable, encouraging you to share intimate details of your life, without an established intimate relationship in place. They don't want you to hold anything back. They say they want "all of you," or that they will run away if they feel they aren't sure what they're getting. They don't reciprocate this same level of vulnerability. 

14. Notice how they talk about others' perception of them. 

The Red Flag: They perceive that they are envied, wanted, or idolized. They say that others are jealous of them, that others want to be with them, that others look up to them, etc. They have an idea of what everyone in any situation thinks of them, and it's usually viewed through a lens of envy. 

15. See how they handle being challenged. 

The Red Flag:  They become defensive and take challenges on their opinions or behavior personally. They fight until either they win, or they quit arguing and commence the silent treatment. (This can, if the other does not apologize and give in, actually trigger the end of the relationship.) No matter how they *say* they handle confrontation, correction, or disagreements, the truth shows when you actually experience their reaction yourself. 

16. Notice what other people think of them. 

The Red Flag: People either love them or hate them. The people that hate them are usually exes or ex-friends. They have very brutal things to say about them, or, on the flip side, may seem very confused and heartbroken about what happened between them. 

17. Notice what warnings they give you. 

The Red Flag: They tell you ominous things about who they are, directly. ("I'll ruin you," "I'm just using you," "I never fall in love," etc) This might be said in a half-serious way, or in a way that makes you want to argue back ("I can't see you ever hurting me!").

18. Notice when they put you on a pedestal. 

The Red Flag: They idealize you. You're everything they ever wanted. You're practically perfect. You're their "soulmate", or their "person," or "the one." They've "never had this with anyone else." You are the most beautiful woman in the world; you are the smartest man she's ever known. 

19. Notice how they relate to emotions. 

The Red Flag: They over-intellectualize feelings. They think of people as ideas; they may understand them, and know how they work and how to relate to them- sometimes very well- but they lack genuine empathy for them. If you tell them how you feel, they might tell you how to fix it, or say they feel sorry for you, or tell you about a time they felt the same way. They might explain how they feel in an intellectual way ("it's only human to feel sad sometimes") rather than in a personal way ("I'm so disappointed!"). They don't seem to have a depth or breadth of emotions. Anger and happiness are the primary, if not the only, emotions they openly display. 

20. Notice their ambitions and their successes.

The Red Flag: They seem very ambitious but don't seem to have a lot to show for it. They have lots of big plans for their future- job ventures, school paths, vacations- and seem to have a lot of success ahead of them, but don't have a lot of past successes. They might switch jobs, career paths, or move frequently. They don't seem to have a stable and consistent past, even though they have a stable future planned. 


And when all else fails? 
Time.
Give it time. 
True colors always will show!