Introversion: What It Does (And Doesn't) Mean

Introversion is kind of trendy right now.

I’m not sure why or how it happened, but suddenly every introvert seems to be poking their head out on the internet. You’ve seen all the articles, right? 

“10 Secrets About Introverts”

“What it’s REALLY Like to be an Introvert” 

“What Every Introvert Wants You to Know”

Maybe it’s a mini-rebellion on behalf of the introvert community due to our culture's preference for extroverts. Introversion isn’t highly respected in a culture that values outspoken, social and assertive behavior. It’s not hard to feel devalued when inherent things about you- like being slow to act, needing time to emotionally recharge, or feeling drained by lots of activity- are considered by others to be undesirable, or even wrong.

But what has caught my eye lately is a lot of misunderstanding on what introversion actually means.

Stop for a second and ask yourself to describe introversion.
If you are one, think about what makes you an introvert. If you’re not, think about how you would know that someone was introverted.
Make a quick list of the things that come to mind.

Now look at the things you've listed.

If the things on your list describe a tendency or pattern of behavior, you’re probably on the right track.
If they describe personality traits, you’re not alone in your thinking- but you might have a misunderstanding of what introversion actually is.

Why does it matter?

In order to build good relationships with the people around us, we need to understand them, and to understand ourselves. Understanding how people work on a basic level is a really great place to start!
If you are an introvert, understanding the characteristics of introversion can give you such a deeper understanding of the way you work, and help you care for yourself better.
But even if you aren't an introvert, you know someone who is. Maybe it's your spouse or your significant other, your child, or your best friend. Maybe it's your mother or your sister, or even a coworker.
Understanding how the people you know and love function will give you a better ability to communicate with them and to empathize with them.

What does it mean?

It’s fundamentally important in understanding personalities that extroversion and introversion describe a preference for either the external or internal world, not a set of traits. [1] 
This means that extroverts prefer to direct their energy towards their external world, and introverts prefer to direct it towards their inner world. Extroverts are emotionally and mentally recharged by focusing outward, and introverts are recharged by focusing inward.
Practically applied, this means that introverts need time to internally reflect on what they  think and feel before they speak or act. It means that they tend to be drained by lots of external stimuli, and need to withdraw (either mentally or physically) from their environment to recharge.
This is in contrast to extroverts, who need to be able to think out loud and externally deal with their thoughts before internally reflecting on them, and who are energized by engaging in and interacting with their environment, even when they are alone. 

It’s crucial to understand, additionally, that there is a range of extroversion and introversion, and that a person may not fall cleanly on one end or the other. Because there are so many different things that make up a personality, a person may have two conflicting traits that land them somewhere in the middle of extroversion and introversion. They will lean to one side or the other, but they may not be very extroverted or very introverted.

For instance, although I am an introvert, I also love understanding and connecting with people. I need emotional connection and communication in my relationships. At the same time, though, I am very sensitive and need a lot of time to recharge from those interactions, and so I will frequently withdraw to ground myself and get energy to go out again. I am not 100% introverted; although I am certainly an introvert, I also am more outgoing than a portion of other introverts can be. This caused a lot of confusion for me, growing up, as I was under the impression that to be introverted meant that I had to be a loner. It's also caused a lot of confusion for other people in my life. I've been told on many occasions that I "can't" be an introvert, because I'm too outgoing. As it turns out, I was wrong, and so were they!

If we understand what it does mean to be introverted, we can then understand better what it does not mean. Generally, if we are attributing a trait, rather than a tendency, to introversion, we know we’re off track.

Here are some common traits that are associated with introversion. Think back to what you think describes an introvert. Are any of the following traits on your list?

What does it not mean?

Shy

Shyness is regularly associated with introversion. It’s almost used as a synonym sometimes, as if they mean the same thing. In reality, they are not actually connected at all. Both extroverts and introverts alike can feel nervous and withdrawn in social situations, and both can be confident and outgoing. So while you may find an introvert who is shy, you can also find many who are actually not shy at all. It might happen more often with introverts, but it’s actually not a characteristic of introversion. It’s very important not to interchange the two.

Insecure

There’s a stigma among introverts that the insecurity they feel stems from their introversion. This isn’t true! Introverts have as much potential to have self-confidence as do their extroverted counterparts. Introverts do, as a pattern, tend to be hesitant to act quickly. They tend to think before speaking or acting. However, this is not born out of insecurity, but out of a need to reflect inwardly before acting outwardly. Insecurity is a problem, not a personality trait. And it's certainly not something that is an inherent trait of introverts.

Anti-social

While introverts do need time away from others, they do not necessarily dislike being around others. In fact, many introverts not only like other people, but are very adept at interacting with them. Some introverts are very outgoing and friendly, and have great social skills. Other introverts do not have those skills, and have a lot of trouble interacting with people; some find interaction awkward and are unsure of how to connect with others. Likewise, there are actually extroverts who have trouble in social situations as well, and who don't enjoy the company of others. So to attribute anti-social behavior to introverts as a whole is very misleading, especially for people who are trying to understand whether they are introverted or extroverted. Many introverts mistype themselves as extroverts based on this misunderstanding.

Anxious

Anxiety is often a trait associated with introversion. It follows along the lines of shyness or anti-social behavior- being worried often, getting nervous in social situations, or being scared of talking to others. Each are traits of anxiety, not of introversion. And again, while there are anxious introverts, there are also introverts who have great inner peace. The same goes for extroverts; there are extroverts that do and do not suffer from anxiety. Anxiety is a problem all on its own! It’s important to see it as a separate thing, so that it can be dealt with and not written off as a personality trait.

Sensitive

Introverts can be sensitive- both to emotions and to physical stimuli. But this is actually a trait that is separate from introversion. Some people may be sensitive to conflict or to others’ emotions; this sensitivity shows up in people who are very in tune with their emotions or the emotions of others. Others may be sensitive to bright lights, loud sounds, or different smells. Sometimes this sensitivity can actually stem from being a Highly Sensitive Person, which is a trait that is more common in introverts, but also occurs in extroverts.  In the same way, though, there are also introverts who are very emotionally thick-skinned, and introverts who are energized by physical stimuli. So while sensitivity does show up in many introverts, it’s important to recognize that they do not necessarily coincide, and that a person may be one without the other. Equally as important is to recognize the fact that extroverts can also be sensitive, and so not to attribute sensitivity as a trait of introversion or extroversion.

Depressed

Introverts are not, by nature, sad or melancholy. While introverts may dwell on their sadness longer or in more depth, this tendency does not lend itself to depression. In fact, when it is used in a productive way, introverts have the potential to understand and process through their negative emotions more completely. Extroverts also experience sadness, but may express it and process it in a different way; depression is not isolated to either introverts or extroverts.

Lonely

I think it’s interesting that loneliness is a trait that is attributed to introversion, because, as people who need more space from the external world, it doesn’t make sense that being alone would necessarily make us lonely. Introverts absolutely feel lonely, but just as do extroverts! But whereas an extrovert may feel lonely because they have not been able to interact and expend energy outside themselves, an introvert may feel lonely because they have not felt a depth of connection with others that they are looking for.

Lethargic

This one is kind of a bizarre label to me. I’m not sure why introversion is associated with sleepiness, but it’s a little laughable, if you really think about it! I’ve heard this, mostly, from introverts themselves, making offhand comments about being tired or wanting to be in bed because they are introverted. While it’s true that introverts usually are more low-energy than extroverts, it is not necessarily the case. A high-energy introvert may tend to overwork himself and then need to recharge often by withdrawing and attending to his inner world for a while. In the same way, there are also low-energy extroverts, who like to relax.

Understanding ourselves and the people around us is important to creating and maintaining functional, healthy relationships!

Do you have anything to add?
I'd love to hear your thoughts!


Also Read: Extroversion: What It Does (And Doesn't) Mean

Sources:
[1] Understanding Yourself and Others, by Linda V. Berens and Dario Nardi

Healthy Fried Peaches

(gluten free, refined sugar free, can be dairy free/paleo/vegan)

Fried? Yes, that's right, "healthy" and "fried" in the same sentence.
This awesome little dessert is quickly whipped up by pan frying peaches in coconut oil.

I'm sure you've heard by now of the many good things about coconut oil. (If you're still not convinced, check this out.)

The warm honey-and-cinnamon flavored peaches make this reminiscent of peach pie, minus the loads of sugar.

It's pretty fantastic even if you aren't cutting sugar out of your diet, but it is absolutely a must if you are.
Because it has all of the "guilty-pleasure" taste with none of the actual guilt.

I came up with this recipe when I was eating Paleo, back before I got pregnant again. I was having some crazy bad sugar cravings, and this was my go-to for a dessert that didn't feel healthy. When I was eating Paleo, I still kept a little whole fat Greek yogurt in my diet (because I was breastfeeding and needed some extra calories, and because yogurt doesn't upset my body). But if you are eating strictly Paleo, or if you can't have dairy for any other reason, you could substitute whipped coconut cream instead!

I don't count calories- and the calories in this are all good ones- but if you are tracking, the calorie count comes to somewhere around 200 calories per serving before you add the yogurt. The additional calories depend on what (and how much) yogurt you use.

Healthy Fried Peaches

Serves: 2 small servings (or 1 large serving, I won't judge) 

Ingredients:

2 cups organic* frozen sliced peaches
2 Tbs coconut oil (virgin, unrefined)
1 Tbs raw honey
1 tsp ground cinnamon
greek yogurt (you can sub whipped coconut cream for dairy-free)

*Peaches are in the “dirty dozen”! Make sure you buy organic!)

Instructions: 

• Defrost 2 cups of frozen peaches.
(If you know you’re going to make this ahead of time, you can put the peaches in a container in the fridge for a couple of hours to thaw. If you need to defrost them faster, you can heat your oven until hot, put the peaches in, turn the oven OFF, and let them sit in the warmed oven for a few minutes. We don’t use a microwave in our house, but if you do, you could also defrost them quickly that way. They don’t need to be 100% defrosted- but the more defrosted they are, the quicker you will cook them and the more evenly they will cook.)

• When the peaches are thawed, mix the coconut oil, honey and cinnamon in a bowl until well combined.

• Heat a frying pan on medium heat, and put oil mixture in when the pan gets hot. Stir frequently.

• When the mixture is simmering (and looks bubbly & frothy), add peaches into the pan. Coat evenly with oil mixture, and arrange in a single layer. Return to a simmer, stirring frequently to be sure nothing burns.

• The mixture will get sticky and thick. If it starts to burn, turn your heat down a little and be sure to stir often.

• Simmer for about 10 minutes (depending on your stove and how cold your peaches were to begin with), or until a fork slides easily in and out of the peaches.

• Remove from heat.

• Serve with a dollop of Greek yogurt and a sprinkle of cinnamon. Feel satisfied and go on your way.

50 Conversations To Have Before You Get Married

I would like to preface this post by saying that this list started out very small, and grew very, very quickly. As it turns out, there are quite a few things that I think would be really helpful to talk about before you get married!

I began thinking of things that I wish my husband and I had talked with each other about before we got married. We dated for two and a half years before marrying, but most of these conversations were not on our radar until much later- usually when a problem arose, and we had to fix it. How many fights we could have saved ourselves if we had talked about these things ahead of time! 
Not to say that we don't still fight- of course we do. I don't think you could ever live with another person without some sort of misunderstanding or miscommunication coming up from time to time. But now that we understand these basic things about each other, we aren't starting from ground zero every time we get into an argument. I'm happy that we have made that kind of progress in the short time we have been married; I hope to say, fifty years down the road, that we have made much, much more.

I encourage you to do a few things with this list. 

First, go through each question and reflect on your own answers. It's tough to understand someone else if you do not understand yourself. If nothing else, these are just some good questions to help you have a deeper sense of self-awareness and understanding. 

Second, take one or two questions to your girlfriend/boyfriend or fiancé(e) (or to your spouse- most of them are still awesome conversations to have after marriage). Spark up a conversation and see where it goes. Tell them that you want to understand them more and explain why, and see if you can expand your relationship. I don't recommend trying to talk about all fifty in one sitting. I love to talk about these things, and even I would find that tedious. :)

And third, be conscious of the vulnerability that a lot of these questions bring. Some of them might be a little too heavy to start off with. Some people aren't comfortable rattling off such sensitive details, even to their significant other. Be understanding if your partner isn't ready to open up quite yet, and encourage them to meet you there when he or she is ready. 

I hope you find these conversations to be helpful in developing and deepening your relationship. :)

1. What are the most important/memorable parts of your childhood?

What are your first, favorite or most painful memories?  Things you remember most vividly? Times you don't like to remember?
[The more you know about your partner’s past, the more you can understand how he or she developed into the person you know today.]

2. How do you feel about your relationship with your mom?

Are you happy with it? What would you change about it? What do you love about it?

3. How do you feel about your relationship with your dad?

[Same as above- knowing how your partner relates to his or her parents is crucial to  empathizing and understanding him or her on a deeper level. It can help reveal some wounds or issues that may have come from either parent.]

4. How did your parents argue or fight?

Did they yell? Did they leave? Did they fight fair? Did they resolve it? Did they never let you see them fight?
[The way your partner’s parents fought can give you valuable insight into habits he or she may fall into when you fight.]

5. How did your parents raise you?

How connected did you feel to them? How were you disciplined? What kind of rules did your parents have? How strict were they? How do you feel about it now?
[Knowing how your partner was raised will give you an idea of how he or she might parent children someday- or possibly how he or she does not want to parent them.]

6. How do you want to parent your children? (if applicable)

Do you want to raise children like you were raised? What would you keep? What would you change? 
[Not everyone has the same idea of how to parent a child; do your ideas coincide with your partner's? Can you compromise with your differences?]

7. What do you prioritize?

Work? God? Spouse? Kids? Other family? Write a list of your priorites and put them in order. What would win out against another? What is at the top of the list?
[Knowing your partner's priorities is very important. Do those priorities match up with yours?]

8. Do you want kids?

If yes, how many? How long do you want to wait? How sure are you that you do or do not want kids?  
[This is extremely important to know before you get married. Remember that you may not be able to change your spouses mind. Can you live with their decision? Can you compromise?]

9. What is your relationship history?

What previous relationships have you had? How serious were they? How intimate were you emotionally and physically? Why did they end? How do you feel about them now? 
[You should be aware of whatever significant relationships happened in your partner's past so that you can better understand any underlying ideas, expectations or wounds he or she may bring into your relationship.]

10. What are your religious beliefs/views on spirituality?

What do you believe? How important are those beliefs to who you are? Do you believe the same things that I do?  Do you expect me to believe what you believe?
[Again, don’t assume that you will change your spouse. Can you live with their belief system?]

11. What are your important political views?

What issues are you passionate about? What issues are a trigger for you? 
[While political issues may not be a big deal to some people, to others, they are very important. It's good to have the conversation and discuss any areas you may disagree on.]

12. What traditions do you value?

Social/cultural traditions? Religious traditions? Family traditions? Personal traditions? How important are they to you? Why? 
 [Knowing what traditions your partner values will give you insight into what he or she will value. This may come up, for instance, when you plan to work on Christmas Eve, and your partner expected to spend it with you. Or it could come up when you want to sleep in on Sunday, and your partner expects to go to an early church service. These kinds of things are fixed earlier if you understand what the other person values and why.]

13. Where do you want to live? (or where won’t you live?)

Why or why not?
[It’s good to know, for instance, if you want to live abroad someday and your partner absolutely will not!]

14. What are your career plans?

What are your ambitions? Where do you want to go, eventually? How do you plan to get there? 
[Do your partner's plans match up with your future plans?]

15. What are your long term goals?

Where do you see yourself 5 years in the future? 10? 20? What do you want to accomplish in life? 
[Can you mesh your partner's plans with yours?]

16. How do you handle money?

Do you tend to spend it? Save it? Do you have any bad habits with it? Do you spend when you are emotional? Are you responsible? What is your history with money?
[The way your partner deals with money will be very important when he or she begins dealing with your money as a couple. If there are any problems, better to deal with them earlier than after the fact!]

17. Who has a lot of influence on you?

Your mom? Your best friend? Your sister? Who has the ability to change your mind? Who influences the way you think? 
[It’s important to know who your partner listens to and respects; it's especially important to know what kind of advice your partner will be receiving from those people, as one day he or she may be going to them for advice about your marriage.]

18. What are your expectations of sex?

How often do you expect to have it? Who should initiate it? What if one of you doesn’t want to and the other does?  
[The more in depth you understand your partner’s expectation of sex, the better off your marriage- and your sex life- will be.]

19. What are your expectations of marital roles?

Who is responsible for what in the home? Who is responsible for what in your marriage? Who do you expect to fulfill certain relationship roles? 
[Do those expectations match up with yours?]

20. What are your expectations of housework?

Who is expected to do what chores? Who takes out the trash? Who cooks dinner? Who cleans the toilets? Who does dishes? Who does laundry? 
[This was a very important question a mentor of ours asked us before my husband and I got married. Don't underestimate the power of hidden expectations! Knowing your partner’s preconceived expectations of roles in housework will save you many misunderstandings and fights later on!]

21. What are your "non-negotiables" in marriage?

What is unacceptable, no matter what? What do you see as an "unforgivable" offense? What would be your response to it? 
[It's crucial to know what things your partner will not tolerate in a relationship so that you can avoid problems before they happen.]

22. What are your views on divorce or separation?

Do you think it’s acceptable? In what situations? 
[Talking about your expectations for the longevity of your marriage is also extremely important. If one partner thinks that divorce should never happen, and the other thinks that marriage should end if the love is gone, they are coming into the marriage with two entirely different expectations.]

23. What is your view on marriage counseling or couples' therapy?

Are you willing to go to it? Under what circumstances? Do you think it’s helpful? Who would you go to?  
[Even if your marriage never gets to a breaking point, you may find yourself in need of a third party to help you work through some relationship problems. Do you and your partner see eye-to-eye about how those issues should be addressed?]

24. What are your expectations of my relationships with others?

How often do you expect me to see my friends? How close do you expect me to be with friends of the opposite sex? How much information about our relationship do you expect me to divulge to others? What are your limits on my emotional or physical closeness with others? 
[Whether it's with your coworkers, friends or family members, your partner will have some ideas of how close you should be to the people around you. It's important to discuss what his or her expectations are, and to assess if you are willing to respect those wishes.]

25. How do you tend to try to hurt others when you feel hurt?

[When we feel cornered, we tend to aim to hurt others in the way that we would be most hurt by. Those who are most hurt by harsh criticism will be highly critical of others. Those who are most hurt by abandonment will try to make others feel abandoned. Those who are most threatened by being controlled will become very controlling. It's helpful to know what your partner's tendency is in this area so that you can recognize it when it arises, thus giving you more understanding into their mindset and giving you the opportunity to address their hurt. This is a habit your partner may not recognize in themselves offhand; you might find this out by observation, later.] [1]

26. How do you deal with boundaries?

Do you have trouble saying “no” to certain (or all) people? Are you passive aggressive instead of direct? How do you react when people try to control you? Do you try to control others? Do you manipulate others? Do you let others say “no” to you without guilt or intimidation? 
[Whether your partner lets others cross his or her boundaries, or he or she crosses others' boundaries, you should be aware of how they relate to boundaries in general. The boundaries they set for others and accept from others will give you a look at how they will set and accept them in your relationship. Again, this may something your partner is unaware of, unless they have already reflected on it.]

27. What do you admire in other people?

What traits do you respect? What do you think are good traits to have? 
[The things we admire in others shed light on our values. If you admire honesty in someone, it's likely that you aim to have integrity in your own life. Likewise, if you admire less-than-desireable traits (such as respecting a person for "telling someone off"), it raises a red flag on values that may be misplaced.]

28. What can you not tolerate in other people?

What bothers you about people? What puts you past your limit? What do you think are bad traits to have? 
[Just as it's important to know what your partner admires, it's also important to know what traits he or she disapproves of, so that you can again see where their values lie.]

29. How do you relate with people I care about?

Do you like them? Can you get along with them? What do you think about them? 
[If your partner has issues getting along with people whose opinion you highly value, you must decide whether you value your relationship with your partner or the other person more; because there will likely be a time where you may have to choose between them. Are you willing to choose your partner?]

30. How do you react when other people are hurting?

Do you naturally notice it? Does it scare you? Does it make you uncomfortable? Do you feel hurt to see them hurting? Do you jump to help them? 
[Knowing how your partner responds to others' pain will give you insight into how he or she will respond when you are in pain.]

31. How do you respond to stress?

Do you become angry? Perfectionistic? Withdrawn? Impulsive? Critical? Irresponsible? What kinds of things do you do or say?  
[It's important to be able to recognize when your partner is acting under stress, so that you can be helpful and not hurtful to them.]

32. How do you respond to conflict?

Do you like to argue? Does it bother you? Are you willing to face conflict? Do you avoid it? Does it intimidate you? Do you fight fair? Do you yell? Do you intimidate? Do you withdraw? 
[Knowing how your partner fights will be very important as you navigate arguments and disagreements throughout your relationship. If there are inherent issues with how he or she deals with conflict, it is much better to work with them ahead of time, rather than waiting until the problem arises.]

33. How do you respond to grief?

Do you cry? Do you need to be alone? Do you need to talk about it? Do you become angry? Are you hard to talk to? Do you open up about how you feel? Do you let yourself feel negative emotions? What do you do to make yourself cope?
[Unfortunately, every relationship is bound to cross a bridge where one or both of you will face tragedy of some sort. It's important to know how your partner will respond in these situations so that you can anticipate the reaction and be able to work with it.]

34. What helps you de-stress?

What do you do when you need to blow off steam? What activities help you feel better? What gives you relief from stress? 
[There will be times where your partner needs to calm down and do something to relieve tension. Knowing what helps your partner can not only give you more understanding into the things he or she will do at these times, but can also give you the opportunity to be helpful if need be.]

35. What makes you feel loved by others?

What things do people do that make you feel most appreciated or loved? What is the most loving thing someone has ever done for you? How do you know someone cares about you? 
[Understanding your partner's "love language" will not only help you to keep your connection strong and help them feel loved, but it will also help you solve problems down the road when you may not be "speaking their language."] [2]

36. How do you show others love?

When you want someone to feel loved, how do you show them? What meaningful things do you do to convey your feelings for others? 
[Usually we show love in the same way we receive it, but sometimes it can differ a little. Keep in mind how your partner shows love; someday, when you are feeling neglected, remember to look for the ways that he or she shows love- not just the ways you naturally receive it.] [2]

37. How do you learn things best?

What is the quickest or best way for you to learn something? Do you need to talk it through? Hear it out loud? Try it yourself?  
[Understanding how your partner learns best can help immensely when you are trying to work together on something.]

38.What makes an apology feel genuine to you?

How do you know when someone is really sorry? Do they need to be regretful? Do they need to say they were wrong? Do they need to do something to make it better? What makes you feel like the issue is put to rest? 
[It’s really important to know your partner’s “apology language.” People value different things in apologies; so you may apologize to your partner genuinely, but if it lacks what he or she values in an apology, he or she may think you are insincere. Understanding your differences in this area will help you to resolve and avoid many fights in the future!] [3]

39. How do you see yourself?

What is your “identity?” How would you describe yourself, in a nutshell? What is your personality like? What do you think about your appearance? 
[Does your partner's idea of who they are match up with how you see them? Why or why not?]

40. What do you dislike most about yourself?

What traits do you wish you didn’t have? What traits do you try to get rid of? Physical traits? Personality traits?  
[Understanding what your partner dislikes in themselves can give you a heads-up for sensitive areas you should know about. You may not agree with the things they dislike, but it will help you understand how they feel about themselves.]

41. What do you most value in yourself?

What traits are you proud of? Physical traits? Personality traits? 
[Just as it's important to know what your partner dislikes about themselves, it's also important to know what they like about themselves. These are the things they will likely value most and will keep around.]

42. What emotionally recharges you?

When you are mentally exhausted, what gives you energy again? Brainstorming new ideas? Making lists? Going to coffee with a friend? Doing something physical? What makes you feel like “yourself” again? 
[It's so helpful to know how to help your partner recharge- especially if their way of recharging does not match up with yours]

43. What emotionally drains you?
What wears you out fastest? Social events? Too many plans? Dealing with someone else’s emotions? Being alone for too long? 
[If you know what will drain your partner, you can be sensitive to those situations and anticipate them needing some time to recharge afterwards.]

44. Are you more comfortable sticking to structure or leaving room for plans to change?

Do you like predictability or spontaneity? What makes you feel more at ease? What makes you feel frustrated? 
[If your partner's answer is different than yours, understand that you will need to compromise at times to be sure that both of your needs are met.]

45. Does it come more naturally to you to make decisions based off of what is fair and logical or based off of what you feel?

Do you find yourself thinking in terms of logic or feelings? Do you tend to be more of a “thinker” or a “feeler”?  
[So many misunderstandings in communication root out of a basic difference in how we make decisions! If your answer differs from your partners, understand that there will be times that you will not see eye to eye about how things should be done. Mutual respect and lots of patience and communication will be necessary to get things done in these situations.]

46. What triggers your anger?

[It’s good to know where these emotional bombs lie, so you can avoid them when you should, and approach them sensitively if you need to.]

47. What embarrasses you?

[Sometimes people are embarrassed by things that we never would guess. In order to avoid humiliating your partner unintentionally, it’s important to know what kinds of things embarrass them.]

48. What are your biggest temptations?

What do you struggle with most? What do you have a hard time saying “no” to? Are you able to say no? What do you do to deal with the temptation?
[Understanding where your partner is weak is crucial to helping support them. Knowing what they struggle with can also shed light on areas where you may not have seen a problem before.]

49. What is your deepest desire?

[Every person has something that they deeply need. Some desire to be good and have integrity, others to be loved and needed. Some desire to be unique and true to themselves, others to be valuable and successful. Some need to feel secure, others to be happy, others to be competent. Some desire to protect themselves, and some to find inner peace. What is the thing that your partner searches for above all else? This will give you a very important insight into his or her motivations, feelings and actions. This is a very deep and vulnerable thing to ask someone, and it is something that not everyone will have an understanding of. Don’t expect your partner to know right away, but aim to understand it if you can.] [1]

50. What is your deepest fear?

[Just as everyone desires something, everyone fears something too. What fear is most terrifying to you? Do you fear that something is wrong with you or that you lack inherent value? Do you fear that you are unworthy of love? Do you fear that you do not have an identity or that you are incompetent? Do you fear being trapped in pain? Losing support? Losing connection? Do you fear being controlled? Like the previous question, this is very sensitive ground to tread on and should be treated as such. Be respectful if your partner is not able or willing to reveal such a vulnerable part of his or herself to you yet, but encourage them to share it with you when they are ready! This is something that will help your relationship grow so deeply, if you are willing to be understanding of the other’s fears. When we know what people fear, we know why they act the way they do. We can understand them and empathize with them on a much deeper level, and our relationship becomes much stronger.] [1]


What about you? Were there any things you wish you would have talked to your spouse about before you married? Add anything you think should be on the list!


You might also like: Things To Do Before You Get Married (That Actually Matter)

Sources:
[1] The Wisdom of the Enneagram: The Complete Guide to Psychological and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types, by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson
[2] The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, by Gary Chapman
[3] The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships, by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas

Staying At Home Is A Blessing

 

“What do you want to do when you graduate?”

I, like every other high school senior, heard this question probably hundreds of times as graduation approached. I dreaded answering it. I came up with a few satisfactory answers that shifted the conversation elsewhere. It became an automated response.

“I’m going to take some basic courses and see where it goes from there.”

“I’m going to community college and getting some cheap courses until I’m sure.”

And eventually,

“I’m going into graphic design.”

Because, despite the fact that I had very little interest in graphic design as a career, it seemed to give people the answer they wanted. I was supposed to have something, right? Other kids were going to study business or medicine. They were going to be lawyers or entrepreneurs or something impressive. And so when that question came up, I didn’t want to face the reaction when I told them the truth.

The truth was, I didn’t want to go to college at all. I was going because it would keep me on my parents’ insurance longer.
The truth was, I didn’t want a career. I didn’t want to climb the corporate ladder or start my own business, or do anything I was expected to do.
The truth was, all I wanted was to be a wife and a mother.

I wanted to settle down, have babies, and raise them. I wanted to stay at home with my kids, however many we would have, and be a housewife. That's what I wanted. That's the career I dreamed of. It was the desire of my heart, above everything else.

And let's be honest- the reactions to that dream range anywhere from the well-meaning, "oh...that's nice!" to the insulting, "um...okay, but what do you want to do for a job?"
And then there were the moms who insisted that I would regret staying at home. That I didn't understand- I didn't have kids yet! That I would want to get out of the house. That staying at home isn't what I really wanted.

"You'll see!"

I didn't want to have to argue whether it was a "real" job or not. I didn't want to have to explain why I wanted to do something that not everyone respected. I wasn't confident that I could defend my position. I wasn't sure, really, that those people weren't right, and that when I became a mother, I wouldn't just change my mind like they did.
And so, I didn't tell those people what I really wanted.

But the years leading up until I was able to finally settle down were, in my mind, just a waiting period. I took some college courses, got a couple minimum wage jobs, and bought several animals in an effort to silence the aching baby fever that had been plaguing me since I was a teenager.
The time did pass, although I swore many times that it never would. Of course, I was  wrong.

And I find myself now, almost five years later, married to my best friend, five months pregnant and caring for our thirteen month old daughter.
I find myself in yoga pants and my husband’s t-shirt, picking raisins out of the carpet and putting away laundry that should have been done three days ago.
I find myself living the life of tantrums, poopy diapers, spilled milk and dirty dishes.
I find myself thinking of new ways to get out of the house with an explorative toddler and an ever-growing belly in tow.
I find myself mentally, physically and emotionally drained on a daily basis.
But most importantly, I find myself more happy and fulfilled than I have ever been.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not always so positive about staying at home. I’ve had a pretty crappy attitude at times. I’ve had my share of emotional breakdowns. I’ve felt discouraged and lonely. I’ve been angry when I can’t buy something we need. I’ve been frustrated when I’m needed in the middle of the night or when the dishes pile up for the third time that day.
It wouldn't be hard to get stuck in a negative mindset. I could easily find a few reasons every day to be angry or discouraged, or to feel like staying at home is too hard for me. It's taken a lot of work to continuously re-frame my mindset and be thankful for the place I'm in, rather than to be resentful of it. Because while staying at home and raising our children is what I always dreamed of, it's also very demanding. Our decision to have me stay at home has meant a lot of sacrifice for both me and for my husband.

Living on one income isn’t the easy choice for us. We have never been in a financial position where we could be unaffected by the loss of one of our incomes. But truthfully, we are making it. We have a roof over our heads and food in the fridge, and we’re learning a lot of good lessons about cutting corners with our money.

Would it be easier to have some wiggle room in our budget? Absolutely. Would it be nice to be able to get new shoes when they wear out? Yep. Would it be awesome if I could take my daughter to the zoo, or afford some awesome new toys for her? Of course!

But when it comes down to it, she doesn’t know the difference. She doesn’t know that we aren’t spending a lot of money right now, or that we sacrifice a lot of things to make sure she’s taken care of. She’s fed, clothed and clean. She’s protected and provided for. She doesn’t need more expensive clothes. She doesn't need to go on fancy vacations. She doesn't need the excess of material things or experiences; she needs to be loved and nurtured.

And because God has blessed us with a life where I can provide that one-on-one attention for her every day, we will sacrifice whatever is necessary to continue to give that to her. We will always prioritize our family over our financial comfort, and will trust God to meet us where we can not keep up. He has always provided for our needs. He has promised that he always will. I believe that promise with all of my heart.

And so, despite the sacrifices that need to be made in order to make this lifestyle work for us, I can honestly say that I have not a single regret. Being a stay-at-home mom has given me a sense of purpose and a peace with my life more than anything ever has. God has blessed us with children, and I have chosen to stay at home to raise them.

I know not all people agree with me on this, but I firmly believe that being a stay-at-home mom isn’t a burden. It’s not a curse. It’s not something to resent your working husband for. It's not something to regret or to despise.
Not all women are able to stay at home with their children. In some families, it’s just not an option. So when it is, I think it is something that should be embraced!

Being a stay-at-home mom is a blessing! 

I wish I could go back in time and tell Past Me to stop worrying about what other people think. I wish I could tell her that God put that desire on her heart for a reason, and that the attitudes and beliefs of others shouldn't outweigh what she knows is right for her life.

I can't change my past, but I hope I can encourage any mamas (and future mamas) to believe that, if staying at home is what you want for your family, you can do it.
And not only can you do it, but you can find fulfillment and purpose in it.
It's all in how you choose to look at it.

Christianity and Breastfeeding: Are We Getting It Wrong?

photo by Kelsey Gossett

Breastfeeding is a touchy subject.
I didn’t realize this until I became a mother and began breastfeeding my girl. What a range of ideas you can run into when talking about breastfeeding! And how easily arguments and disagreements can arise when it is brought up!

For as many people that love breastfeeding and don’t have any problems with it, it seems that there are just as many who have some pretty strong opinions against it.

“Breastfeeding is fine for babies, but it’s just weird once they can ask for it.”

“Breastfeeding is a private thing; it should be done behind closed doors.”

“Men/children shouldn’t be subjected to seeing a woman breastfeeding.”

“It’s gross/unnatural to breastfeed a child past [some specific age].”

You’ve heard those statements, haven’t you? I know I have.

But what bothers me is this: I have heard these things from fellow Christians. I’ve seen them on Christian blogs, from Christians on Facebook, and from Christians in person.

And over the last year, as I’ve breastfed, read and educated myself, and spent countless time thinking it over, I’ve really begun to see breastfeeding as an issue that Christians should support, not oppose. I’ve begun to see breastfeeding in the light of the Bible, and in the way that I believe God intended for it to be seen.

My goal in writing this is not to advocate that “breast is best.” Yes, I am a firm supporter of breastfeeding! But there are countless other resources where you can read up on the benefits, if you’re unsure. (Some great articles here, here and here )

Likewise, my goal is not to say that all Christians should breastfeed, or that a Christian who does not breastfeed should feel guilty. Of course, mothers choose not to breastfeed for a variety of personal reasons that are, really, not mine to judge! I would not want a mother to feel as if she was going against God if she were not to breastfeed. I do not believe that is the case.

What I would like to do is propose a question to those Christians who feel uncomfortable with or who oppose breastfeeding. Those Christians who feel that breastfeeding is weird, wrong, or even a little embarrassing- that it’s something that should be done in the privacy of your own home (if at all). Those Christians who are offended by a mother breastfeeding a child in public, or who steer clear of the mom who says she still breastfeeds her three year old. 
For those Christians who fall into this mindset, I would like to propose an idea.

What if God intended breastfeeding to be beautiful, not strange?

What if, by accepting the idea that there is something inherently private about breastfeeding, we are accepting the world‘s message about our bodies, and denying God’s?

And most importantly, if God loves breastfeeding, why would we have an issue with it?

photo by Kelsey Gossett

God’s Message About Breastfeeding

Mentioned upwards of sixteen different times in the Bible, God gives a beautiful picture of breastfeeding. I think it’s much more important to note the way the Bible presents breastfeeding rather than to argue why it appears there.

Of course, during these times, breastfeeding was really the only available method for feeding a baby, before safe or viable alternatives existed. But the Bible doesn’t present breastfeeding as just a mundane, necessary part of life. Instead, the picture that God gives us of breastfeeding is one of purity and beauty. It is used in context with healing, fulfillment and connection.

Isaiah 66:10-11
10 Rejoice with Jerusalem and be glad for her,
    all you who love her;
rejoice greatly with her,
    all you who mourn over her.
11 For you will nurse and be satisfied
    at her comforting breasts;
you will drink deeply
    and delight in her overflowing abundance.

Psalms 22:9-10

9 Yet you brought me out of the womb;

   you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast.

10 From birth I was cast on you;

   from my mother’s womb you have been my God.

Breastfeeding is listed among other blessings, giving us that it is considered a blessing not only to have children, but to be able to nourish them in this way.

Genesis 49:25

25 because of your father’s God, who helps you,
    because of the Almighty, who blesses you
with blessings of the skies above,
    blessings of the deep springs below,
    blessings of the breast and womb.

And, conversely, the inability to nurse is considered to be a curse.

Hosea 9:14

14 Give them, Lord—

    what will you give them?

Give them wombs that miscarry

    and breasts that are dry.

It’s even used for an analogy for purity of living, comparing the nourishment of our spirits to the nourishment babies receive while nursing. What a significant comparison!

1 Peter 2:2-3
2 Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, 3 now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.

Again and again, the Bible uses this type of language to paint a picture of the breastfeeding relationship between mother and child. This picture is one of a natural, beautiful interaction which gives nourishment to the child and provides him a loving connection to his mother.

On that note, it’s important to remember who else would have been breastfed. If you haven't seen the bumper sticker already, I'll clue you in: Jesus.

Luke 11:27
27 As Jesus was saying these things, a woman in the crowd called out, “Blessed is the mother who gave you birth and nursed you."

Aside from this verse, we can gather that Jesus was breastfed due to historical context. It was customary for Hebrew babies at this time to be breastfed by their mothers. More interestingly, I think, is that the children were weaned well into toddlerhood; most accounts agree that the weaning age fell somewhere between three and four years old. [3]

So let’s think about that for a second.
Not only was Jesus Christ a breastfed babe; he was a breastfed toddler, too.
That means he was “old enough to ask for it.”

Now, if that makes you uncomfortable, take a second to ask yourself a very important question: why?

If Jesus breastfed, not just as a newborn, but as a walking, talking toddler too, what does that tell us about God’s perspective of breastfeeding? I’d venture to say that it certainly does not make him cringe or feel uneasy.
Would you allow your small child to do something that you found unnatural or wrong? Of course not! Why then would God allow his Son to be breastfed, if he felt there was something inherently wrong about it? Would he not want the best for his Son? 

If breastfeeding is pure and good for the Son of God, certainly it is good enough for our children as well.

God not only created breastfeeding; he sees it as something to be loved and cherished! And as we know that God is unchanging, we know that the way he viewed breastfeeding so long ago is still the way he views it today.

So why, then, does it make people uncomfortable?

photo by Kelsey Gossett

Our Culture’s Message About Breastfeeding

It’s hard to see outside the scope of our own culture, but breastfeeding isn’t viewed negatively worldwide. It’s in our Western culture that we see the over sexualization  of breasts seeping into society’s view of breastfeeding. It’s in our culture that we accept the idea that breasts are, simply put, playthings.
Breasts are for the bedroom. Breasts are for sex. Breasts are for men.

Does that bother you?
It should. It certainly bothers me.

But think about it.

Why would it be acceptable for a woman to wear a low cut or barely-there top, revealing most of her breasts but the nipple, but not acceptable for a mother to have a baby latched onto her in public, covering at least the same amount, if not more, skin?

Why would it be expected to see a larger-than-life image of a woman donned in only her bra and underwear on a Victoria’s Secret advertisement in the mall, but shocking to see an image of a mother’s breast in her child’s mouth?

Why would it be okay for a woman to walk around the beach in a dental floss bikini, but weird if she were to sit down and nurse her child?

We have bought into the message in America that breasts are only sexual, and have no place outside of sex. And how naturally uncomfortable, then, is it to mix something sexual with something innocent, such as feeding a child! If you accept the idea that breasts are only sexual, you likely would feel unnerved by introducing a child to that picture. We know, naturally, that children should not be intertwined with sexuality.

And so, when a woman is nursing, whether baby or toddler, those comments and thoughts arise.

"That’s unnatural."

"That’s gross."

"That’s weird."

"Can’t she hide that?"

"I don’t want to have to see that."

The shaming message is loud and clear: keep those breasts where they belong- in the bedroom.

So how did this happen? Where did the breast obsession begin?

A cycle began in the late 1800s to early 1900s with a decline in breastfeeding, due to many factors, including the introduction of and increasing demand for artificial milk and the need for more women in the workforce. [1]  Less women breastfeeding caused there to be less exposure to breasts in a non-sexual context, which then encouraged an even further decline in breastfeeding, and so on.

As breastfeeding in public (and in private) became less and less common, the next generations were raised with little to no knowledge of breasts in their functional context. A generation of children were raised only to know breasts in a sexual way, and were not exposed to them outside of this context as previous generations and other cultures had been. Instead of growing up seeing breasts in a non-sexual context, as children usually would when being exposed to family and friends breastfeeding their babies, children were sheltered from this natural part of child-rearing.

And so, as the function of breasts was isolated to be singularly sexual, the over-sexualization of breasts began snowballing. I really love this explanation of how this cycle plays out psychologically in children.

“...weaned toddlers and babies are still interested in breasts and want to touch them. Unfortunately, many times the mother feels uneasy about it and maybe thinks it is "indecent" or "perverted" behavior....The child is probably taught that touching naked breasts is BAD, it is a "NO-NO". Now, if the mother never lets her children see bare breasts, it is no wonder that the child develops a curiosity towards breasts. The child stars thinking, "What is it about them? Wonder what they look like? Why do they keep them hidden?"...On top of that, the media presents breasts not only as forbidden but something exciting and sexual, which starts arousing sexual feelings especially in boys...It all starts when you take the breast away from the child and then make seeing breasts a forbidden no-no for the rest of the child's growing period. The end result is a distorted view of female breasts.” [2]

As one generation was taught that breasts were only sexual, they taught the next to idolize and obsess over them even more. They, then, passed this idea to the next generation, and so the cycle continued.

When breasts are seen regularly in a non-sexual context, like breastfeeding, society becomes accustomed to seeing them in that way. Women are not offended by seeing another woman feed her child, nor are children scarred by it, nor are men aroused by it. It is simply a part of life, because of the regular exposure to it in a non-sexual way.

But when children are raised with only a sexual knowledge of breasts, and generation after generation is raised with no exposure to them in their natural, functional context, they increasingly become a forbidden fruit. They become sexual and only sexual.

It’s here, then, that we have arrived with a culture that idolizes and obsesses over breasts, and rejects the idea of their functional use.

With this in mind, it’s also important to not deny the sexual quality of breasts altogether. It’s not the sexualization of breasts that is the problem; it’s the over sexualization that becomes the issue, as a woman’s breasts are both meant to nourish a baby and to be sexually appealing!
If we look at the Bible, we find several references to the sexuality of breasts. Given, the references are far fewer than those about breastfeeding, but they still appear.

Proverbs 5:18-19
18  May your fountain be blessed,
    and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 A loving doe, a graceful deer—
    may her breasts satisfy you always,
    may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

Song of Solomon 4:1-7
4 How beautiful you are, my darling!
 
    Oh, how beautiful!

    Your eyes behind your veil are doves.

Your hair is like a flock of goats

    descending from the hills of Gilead.

2 Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn,

    coming up from the washing.

Each has its twin;

    not one of them is alone.

3 Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon;

    your mouth is lovely.

Your temples behind your veil

    are like the halves of a pomegranate.

4 Your neck is like the tower of David,

    built with courses of stone;

on it hang a thousand shields,

    all of them shields of warriors.

5 Your breasts are like two fawns,

    like twin fawns of a gazelle

    that browse among the lilies.

6 Until the day breaks

    and the shadows flee,

I will go to the mountain of myrrh

    and to the hill of incense.

7 You are altogether beautiful, my darling;

    there is no flaw in you.

Song of Solomon 7:7-9
6 How beautiful you are and how pleasing,
    my love, with your delights!
7 Your stature is like that of the palm,
    and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
8 I said, “I will climb the palm tree;
    I will take hold of its fruit.”
May your breasts be like clusters of grapes on the vine,
    the fragrance of your breath like apples,
9     and your mouth like the best wine.

The Bible certainly does not deny the sexuality of breasts; but what it does say about them is important. Never are the breasts sexualized in a way that they become the focal point of the woman or her sexuality. Notice that every mention of the woman’s breasts is included in a list of the other beauty she holds. The breasts are sexual because the woman was made to be sexual; the breasts are beautiful because God created the woman to be beautiful. And he created her to be beautiful as a whole.

Her breasts are sexual, yes, but as is her neck, her mouth and her back. How absurd would it be for us to deny the functionality of another body part? What if we only accepted the mouth as a sexual function, and felt unnerved by the sight of a person eating or drinking?

"Ma'am, please, do that at home, would you?"

"For heaven's sake, there are children here! The indecency!" 

It’s almost laughable, really. But how different is the situation in which we find ourselves viewing breasts in our culture? We accept the sexuality of breasts but reject their functionality. We allow them to be seen in a sexual context, but are offended by them in the context of breastfeeding.

The woman’s breasts were never meant to be a sexual obsession, or to be over sexualized to the point of denying their other purpose- the pure, healthy and blameless nourishment of her children.

What freedom God gives us in creating us, as women, to be both sexual and maternal! We are not bound to one or the other- we are made to love and be loved, to be nurturing and to be admired. I find such encouragement in that identity!

Whose message do we believe?

So if we compare God’s message about breastfeeding to our culture’s, we begin to see some very conflicting ideas.

God says:
Breastfeeding is beautiful, purposeful, natural, normal, pure, fulfilling, and wonderful. 

Our culture says:
Breastfeeding is embarrassing, uncomfortable, indecent, shameful, and something to be done in private.

And if we compare God’s message about the sexuality of breasts to our culture’s, we also see quite a contrast.

God says:
Breasts are both sexual and functional- for sexual pleasure and for breastfeeding. Breasts are beautiful because the woman is beautiful- desirable because I made her desirable.

Our culture says:
Breasts are made for sex only; they are made to be looked at and used for pleasure. 

So then, where do our ideas about breastfeeding line up with these messages? Whose message do we accept?

When we say that breastfeeding should be kept private, that a nursing mother needs to cover up, or that it’s unnatural for a woman to breastfeed a toddler, what message does that agree with?

If God says breastfeeding is good, pure and free from sexuality, does it make sense that it should make us feel ashamed or uncomfortable? Does it make sense that we should want it to be hidden from our children or our husbands?

If God says breasts were made for nourishment and for sexuality, does it make sense that we should feel averted to one or the other? Does it make sense that we should believe that they are only good for one purpose?

Whose message are you accepting? 

If not God’s, why not? 

photo by Kelsey Gossett

Sources:
[1] http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2684040/ 
[2]  http://www.007b.com/breast_obsession.php
[3] http://biblehub.com/topical/w/wean.htm

Guilt-Free Banana Bread

(gluten-free, refined sugar free, can be dairy free)

I love banana bread. It's one of my comfort foods of choice.
Perfect for breakfast, sweet enough for dessert...it’s all around just a good thing.
Except that usually, it’s full of a lot of not good things, like white flour, vegetable oil, refined sugar, and so on.
Unless of course, you get around that, and create something that’s more like a real bread and less like a post-breakup-meltdown-indulgence.

I found this recipe a few years ago when I was looking for a gluten-free banana bread recipe. It turned out great, but it still had quite a few things that, now, as I’ve refined my diet quite a bit, I don’t want to be cooking with.

So, this recipe was born- just a healthier, guiltless, but still really delicious version of the original. No gluten, no refined sugar, and only healthy fats.

The thing I love most about this is that, unlike a lot of other gluten-free breads, this banana bread is moist and dense- not at all crumbly or grainy. It’s also naturally sweetened from the honey, applesauce and bananas, but the sweetness isn’t so overwhelming as it can be in banana breads sometimes.

I’m pretty picky about my bread. This one passes the test!

Guilt-Free Banana Bread

Dry:
2 cups all-purpose gluten-free flour
1 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt

Wet:
2 cups mashed ripe bananas
1/2 cup organic applesauce
3/4 cup raw honey
1 tsp vanilla
4 eggs, whisked
1/3 cup grass-fed butter, softened (you can sub coconut oil)

Preheat oven to 350ºF.
Grease a loaf pan with butter or coconut oil and set aside.

In a standing mixer, combine flour, baking soda and salt. Set aside.

In a large bowl, mash bananas until very creamy, but not completely smooth (you want a few lumps in there!). Add applesauce, honey, vanilla and whisked eggs and stir. Add in softened butter and mix well.

Pour wet ingredients into the standing mixer, and turn mixer on low to stir. Once the dry ingredients have blended with the wet a little, turn the mixer higher and beat until the batter is mostly smooth.

[You can stir in walnuts or chocolate chips here if you so desire. I’m not fond of chunks in my banana bread, so I did without.]

Pour batter into the greased loaf pan.
The batter should fill up 1/2 to 3/4 of the pan at most. If you have extra batter, you can make a couple of banana bread muffins by pouring it into cupcake tins.

[Here, my pregnancy cravings got the best of me, and I threw together a streusel topping out of brown sugar, whole oats and butter. I’m not including this for two reasons- it kind of  defeats the purpose of making it healthy, and I have no idea how much of any ingredient I used anyway.] 

Bake for 45-55 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center of the bread comes out clean.

Let stand at room temperature. This is great warm or refrigerated, but I love it most at room temperature. Store in an airtight container and enjoy at your leisure. :)

10 Things Not to Say to a Pregnant Woman

1. “You’re so big!”

Variations: “Look how big you’re getting!” / “Are you sure there aren’t twins in there?” / “Are you sure you’re only ___ months pregnant?”

This is usually said with good intentions. After all, aren’t those pregnant bellies just so cute? But when you say “big,” she hears, “the first thing I notice about you is how huge you are now.” Yes, she’s sure there’s only one baby in there, and yes, she knows how many months pregnant she is. Leave those questions at the door.
To be fair, not all women are offended by being told they look "very pregnant." Because some women (myself included) enjoy having a belly to show during pregnancy!
Your problem? You don’t know ahead of time whether she wants to look pregnant or not. It’s not worth the risk, so just steer clear.  

Safer alternatives: “You look beautiful!” / “Pregnancy looks great on you!” / “You look great as always!” / “You make such a cute pregnant lady!”

2. “You’re so small!”

Variations: “You’re tiny!” / “You barely look pregnant!” / “You’re not even showing!” / “You’re not big enough to be ___ months pregnant!”

Ah, the twin sister to “you’re so big.” Again, almost always meant to be flattering, but falling short due to the oversight that not every woman wants to look “tiny” while pregnant. Sure, I’ve never met a woman who would want to be told that she’s roughly the size of a whale. But to be told that you barely look pregnant (or don’t look pregnant at all) can be really frustrating.
It’s especially irritating when she knows she looks at least marginally pregnant- because you are either knowingly lying, or you are implying that she doesn’t look pregnant at all (leaving looking fat as the alternative).
Since, again, you don’t know whether she wants to look pregnant or not, you are treading on dangerous water.

Safer alternative: See above.

3. “Are you pregnant?”

If you have to ask this question, you should not be asking this question. If the answer is yes, and she wasn’t ready to spill the news yet, you’ve just forced her into announcing before she was ready. If the answer is no, you’ve just contracted a serious case of foot-in-mouth. And then there’s the chance that she is pregnant and could be hurt that you don’t think she looks pregnant (read: you look fat, but not definitively pregnant). Any way you spin it, it’s just a dangerous question. Avoid at all costs.

Safer alternative: Wait until she mentions her pregnancy, or say nothing at all.

4. “Boy, you’ve gotten fat!”

Variations: “Really packing on the pounds there! / “You really are eating for two!”

It might sound ridiculous, but people actually stay stuff like this. In my case, it’s always been said to me as a joke. A really, really tasteless joke. I imagine that people say things like this in seriousness too, but does it really matter? It’s hurtful and rude no matter the intention. As a rule of thumb, just don’t joke about a pregnant woman’s size. Don’t relate her size to any kind of animal or large objects. Don’t jokingly tell her she’s big. Don’t mention what she’s eating or how much she’s eating. Keep it to yourself and make the world a better place.

Safer alternative: I recommend you do not speak if these are things you are wanting to say. Resume speaking when these types of jokes no longer tempt you.

5. “How much weight have you gained?”

I’m not sure why this is such a fun question to ask pregnant mamas, because at no other time in your life is that really an acceptable question to be asked. Unless you are her doctor, best friend or mother, just don’t ask this question (and I say mother hesitantly, because while my mother is allowed to ask me this, I know plenty of women would not agree with me).
Pregnancy opens the door for many insecurities. If she hasn't gained "enough" weight, someone will tell her that her baby isn't going to be healthy. If she has gained "too much" weight, someone will tell her that it will be next to impossible to lose. Be understanding of her sensitivity over her ever-changing body, and leave this question off the table completely.

Safer alternative: “How are you feeling?” / “Are you enjoying your pregnancy?”

6. “When is that baby going to come?”

Variations: “You look like you’re ready to pop!” / “Aren’t you due already?” / “Why isn’t that baby here yet?”

You would think these questions would only come after Baby’s due date, but I actually heard a few of them several weeks before I was due with my first baby. Go figure.

“Well, the baby will come when she’s ready...and when she’s not going to be premature...”

The closer a pregnant woman comes to her due date, the more dangerous this question becomes. If you think you’re antsy for her baby to arrive, imagine how she feels! She can’t make the baby come any sooner, so just don’t ask. The later her baby is, the more aggravating this question will likely be to her.
There’s also the risk that, if you don’t know her well, you may say this far before her due date, implying that she is looking abnormally large. Not an implication you should want to make!

Safer alternative: “You must be so excited for Baby to come!”

7. “Was it planned?”

Variations: “Were you trying?” / “Was it an accident?”

Again, this type of question is acceptable only in very specific relationships. If you’re not sure that you have that type of relationship, error on the side of safety and don’t ask. If you’re sure you have that type of relationship, take a second and make sure you’re right. Because this question can very easily translate to “was your baby a mistake?” And while that is sometimes the true judgmental undertone of the question, often times that is not at all what it was intended to mean.

Safer alternative: “You must be so excited!” / “I am so happy for you!”

8. “Enjoy your sleep, because you’ll never sleep again.”

Variations: "You're going to have your hands full" / "Go on dates now, because you'll never have time once the baby comes"

Not only is this a disheartening thing to say to a new mom, but it’s not even necessarily true. Unless you willingly throw your entire life and marriage out the window when your baby is born, everything will eventually go back to normal. And the things that don’t go back to the way they were before will find their way into a new normal, and you will make it work.
Even if your marriage/sex life/free time/sleep didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to, it does not mean that is how it will be for her. It's not fair to put those kind of things on someone else.

Safer alternative: Be encouraging instead of negative. Think of all of the wonderful things about having a baby, and talk about those instead.

9. “I hope you have luck with [insert pregnancy/labor situation], because [insert personal horror story].”

This is another example of My-Experience-Will-Be-Yours Syndrome. Because you had an emergency C-section, she shouldn’t risk having a home birth. Because you had terrible morning sickness, she will have it too. Because you didn’t go into labor until you were 42 weeks pregnant, she’ll probably have to be induced.
If you’re tempted to tell your pregnancy or labor horror story, stop yourself. Just because you had a bad experience does not mean she will too. It's not fair to give her negative expectations based on something that she doesn't even necessarily need to think about. If you must tell a personal anecdote, tell an encouraging one instead.

Safer alternative: “I’m sure you will have a great pregnancy/birth- you are so strong.” / “I know you’re well-read; you will be prepared no matter what comes your way!”

10. “Already?”

Variations: “Finally!” / “Again?”

Whether you are implying that she shouldn’t be pregnant yet, that she should have been pregnant a long time ago, that she shouldn’t have gotten pregnant again (or again so soon), or something else, you’re really walking the thin line between being "funny" and being very rude.
You don’t necessarily know the reasons for why she is pregnant at this exact time; even if you do,  it’s not your place to judge. Maybe she wanted to get pregnant right away because she wanted to start sooner rather than later. Maybe she was trying for five years and “finally” got pregnant after months of heartache and disappointment. Maybe she wants to have lots of children. Maybe she got pregnant unintentionally and is struggling with anxiety.
Since you can’t know those sorts of personal details, you run the risk of really hurting or offending her, even if those weren’t your intentions.

Safer alternative: “How wonderful!” / “Congratulations!”

If all else fails, just tell her she looks wonderful and congratulate her. You can't go wrong with being kind. :)