1. “You’re so big!”
Variations: “Look how big you’re getting!” / “Are you sure there aren’t twins in there?” / “Are you sure you’re only ___ months pregnant?”This is usually said with good intentions. After all, aren’t those pregnant bellies just so cute? But when you say “big,” she hears, “the first thing I notice about you is how huge you are now.” Yes, she’s sure there’s only one baby in there, and yes, she knows how many months pregnant she is. Leave those questions at the door.
To be fair, not all women are offended by being told they look "very pregnant." Because some women (myself included) enjoy having a belly to show during pregnancy!
Your problem? You don’t know ahead of time whether she wants to look pregnant or not. It’s not worth the risk, so just steer clear.
Safer alternatives: “You look beautiful!” / “Pregnancy looks great on you!” / “You look great as always!” / “You make such a cute pregnant lady!”
2. “You’re so small!”
Variations: “You’re tiny!” / “You barely look pregnant!” / “You’re not even showing!” / “You’re not big enough to be ___ months pregnant!”Ah, the twin sister to “you’re so big.” Again, almost always meant to be flattering, but falling short due to the oversight that not every woman wants to look “tiny” while pregnant. Sure, I’ve never met a woman who would want to be told that she’s roughly the size of a whale. But to be told that you barely look pregnant (or don’t look pregnant at all) can be really frustrating.
It’s especially irritating when she knows she looks at least marginally pregnant- because you are either knowingly lying, or you are implying that she doesn’t look pregnant at all (leaving looking fat as the alternative).
Since, again, you don’t know whether she wants to look pregnant or not, you are treading on dangerous water.
Safer alternative: See above.
3. “Are you pregnant?”
If you have to ask this question, you should not be asking this question. If the answer is yes, and she wasn’t ready to spill the news yet, you’ve just forced her into announcing before she was ready. If the answer is no, you’ve just contracted a serious case of foot-in-mouth. And then there’s the chance that she is pregnant and could be hurt that you don’t think she looks pregnant (read: you look fat, but not definitively pregnant). Any way you spin it, it’s just a dangerous question. Avoid at all costs.
Safer alternative: Wait until she mentions her pregnancy, or say nothing at all.
4. “Boy, you’ve gotten fat!”
Variations: “Really packing on the pounds there! / “You really are eating for two!”It might sound ridiculous, but people actually stay stuff like this. In my case, it’s always been said to me as a joke. A really, really tasteless joke. I imagine that people say things like this in seriousness too, but does it really matter? It’s hurtful and rude no matter the intention. As a rule of thumb, just don’t joke about a pregnant woman’s size. Don’t relate her size to any kind of animal or large objects. Don’t jokingly tell her she’s big. Don’t mention what she’s eating or how much she’s eating. Keep it to yourself and make the world a better place.
Safer alternative: I recommend you do not speak if these are things you are wanting to say. Resume speaking when these types of jokes no longer tempt you.
5. “How much weight have you gained?”
I’m not sure why this is such a fun question to ask pregnant mamas, because at no other time in your life is that really an acceptable question to be asked. Unless you are her doctor, best friend or mother, just don’t ask this question (and I say mother hesitantly, because while my mother is allowed to ask me this, I know plenty of women would not agree with me).
Pregnancy opens the door for many insecurities. If she hasn't gained "enough" weight, someone will tell her that her baby isn't going to be healthy. If she has gained "too much" weight, someone will tell her that it will be next to impossible to lose. Be understanding of her sensitivity over her ever-changing body, and leave this question off the table completely.
Safer alternative: “How are you feeling?” / “Are you enjoying your pregnancy?”
6. “When is that baby going to come?”
Variations: “You look like you’re ready to pop!” / “Aren’t you due already?” / “Why isn’t that baby here yet?”You would think these questions would only come after Baby’s due date, but I actually heard a few of them several weeks before I was due with my first baby. Go figure.
“Well, the baby will come when she’s ready...and when she’s not going to be premature...”
The closer a pregnant woman comes to her due date, the more dangerous this question becomes. If you think you’re antsy for her baby to arrive, imagine how she feels! She can’t make the baby come any sooner, so just don’t ask. The later her baby is, the more aggravating this question will likely be to her.
There’s also the risk that, if you don’t know her well, you may say this far before her due date, implying that she is looking abnormally large. Not an implication you should want to make!
Safer alternative: “You must be so excited for Baby to come!”
7. “Was it planned?”
Variations: “Were you trying?” / “Was it an accident?”Again, this type of question is acceptable only in very specific relationships. If you’re not sure that you have that type of relationship, error on the side of safety and don’t ask. If you’re sure you have that type of relationship, take a second and make sure you’re right. Because this question can very easily translate to “was your baby a mistake?” And while that is sometimes the true judgmental undertone of the question, often times that is not at all what it was intended to mean.
Safer alternative: “You must be so excited!” / “I am so happy for you!”
8. “Enjoy your sleep, because you’ll never sleep again.”
Variations: "You're going to have your hands full" / "Go on dates now, because you'll never have time once the baby comes"Not only is this a disheartening thing to say to a new mom, but it’s not even necessarily true. Unless you willingly throw your entire life and marriage out the window when your baby is born, everything will eventually go back to normal. And the things that don’t go back to the way they were before will find their way into a new normal, and you will make it work.
Even if your marriage/sex life/free time/sleep didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to, it does not mean that is how it will be for her. It's not fair to put those kind of things on someone else.
Safer alternative: Be encouraging instead of negative. Think of all of the wonderful things about having a baby, and talk about those instead.
9. “I hope you have luck with [insert pregnancy/labor situation], because [insert personal horror story].”
This is another example of My-Experience-Will-Be-Yours Syndrome. Because you had an emergency C-section, she shouldn’t risk having a home birth. Because you had terrible morning sickness, she will have it too. Because you didn’t go into labor until you were 42 weeks pregnant, she’ll probably have to be induced.
If you’re tempted to tell your pregnancy or labor horror story, stop yourself. Just because you had a bad experience does not mean she will too. It's not fair to give her negative expectations based on something that she doesn't even necessarily need to think about. If you must tell a personal anecdote, tell an encouraging one instead.
Safer alternative: “I’m sure you will have a great pregnancy/birth- you are so strong.” / “I know you’re well-read; you will be prepared no matter what comes your way!”
10. “Already?”
Variations: “Finally!” / “Again?”Whether you are implying that she shouldn’t be pregnant yet, that she should have been pregnant a long time ago, that she shouldn’t have gotten pregnant again (or again so soon), or something else, you’re really walking the thin line between being "funny" and being very rude.
You don’t necessarily know the reasons for why she is pregnant at this exact time; even if you do, it’s not your place to judge. Maybe she wanted to get pregnant right away because she wanted to start sooner rather than later. Maybe she was trying for five years and “finally” got pregnant after months of heartache and disappointment. Maybe she wants to have lots of children. Maybe she got pregnant unintentionally and is struggling with anxiety.
Since you can’t know those sorts of personal details, you run the risk of really hurting or offending her, even if those weren’t your intentions.
Safer alternative: “How wonderful!” / “Congratulations!”
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