On The Years That Age You Twice As Fast

There are some years, I think, that age you twice as fast. They feel harder, they seem to last longer, but in the aftermath you can see that they produced twice as much growth. This year was one of those years for me. 

This year, I learned that people are slaves to the things they won't face. I learned that you can analyze and dissect people and you can predict their next few moves, but you can not do anything to change them. I learned that understanding people does not keep you safe from them. I learned that loyalty does not buy loyalty, and being cautious does not guarantee security. That playing by the rules and doing things the right way can be a one way street, and sometimes not fighting back means being vulnerable. I learned that you should never take down a fence until you know why it was put up. I learned that sometimes you have to let people hide, and let go of those who do.

This year, I learned that healing isn't a linear process. That grief does not follow the rules. That forgiveness is a continual, daily process. That sometimes closure doesn't really close the door. I learned that sometimes you have to pull yourself up and walk away, even if it means limping as you do it. I learned that every relationship is irreplaceable, because every relationship is individual. I learned that some relationships aren't meant to be replaced. 

This year, I learned that it's okay to change your mind. I learned that compromising your plans, allowing yourself grace, and lowering your standards aren't failures. That priorities can shift, and more knowledge can give more room for change. I learned that hard work and diligence do not always produce success. That sometimes results aren't an accurate measure of how hard you are trying. That doing your best is enough, even if that looks like failure on the outside. I learned that, in some stages of life, it's not possible to get all of your needs met at once. I learned that you have to choose which to meet and which to put on the back burner. I learned that you can still move through those stages of life, no matter how slowly you are moving. 

This year, I learned that we all use other people as bandages. That we throw our pain onto others in an attempt to get it off of our own backs. I learned that small events can trigger deep wounds, and that the only way to stop the cycle of protecting ourselves by hurting others is to address our hurt first. I learned to recognize my triggers. I learned that addressing them is easier said than done. 

This year, I learned that you can not love people to safety. That people can not be saved if they don't want to be. That sometimes loving someone is dangerous. That promising your loyalty and love to someone means risking losing a part of your heart if they leave. I learned that standing by someone's bedside doesn't mean they will recover. I learned that standing there is worth it anyway.

Sometimes I think it's hard to be thankful for the painful years. I think it's hard to see the good that God brings out of the rubble. But it's there, every time. It's just a matter of recognizing it when we see it.