I Can't Fight All Your Battles For You

It’s often late at night, it seems, when God whispers the most important things to me.

Tonight, I found myself laying wide-eyed in the darkness again, my mind wandering. It wandered to my children, as it usually does. I began to introspect on how defensive I find myself being of them. How I feel like a mama bear sometimes, wanting to fiercely warn others to keep their distance of my babies. How I want to jump to my girls’ defense at the first sight of their discomfort. How I want to silence every negative tone and every less-than-kind word thrown their way.

It's not uncharacteristic of me, particularly. I'm loyal to a fault, and always have been. I would go to war for "my people." I swear loyalty to people that takes drastic measures to undo. I give people second and third and fourth chances. I have trouble putting my foot down and setting healthy boundaries, and tend to let people take advantage of my loyalty. The good comes with the bad, as it does with any trait, and I certainly have both.
But with motherhood came an entirely new level of commitment within me that I didn't know I had. My children are a part of me, now. They each reside in a part of my soul that no one else can fill. I would fight to the death for these girls. I would risk everything I have to protect them.

“Above all else,” I mused, “I want my girls to know that I will always be in their corner.”

I saw myself in a parted crowd, facing down some kind of enemy, behind my oldest daughter’s back, whispering, “You tell me when, and I’ll come in swinging.”

But, as He does from time to time, God gently interjected.

“You can’t always fight their battles,” He told me, “or they will never grow.”

He was right.

And of course, He’s right. How could my kids learn a thing in life if I never let them? What kind of adults would I be raising them into if they never learned how to set their own boundaries? Or if they never learned how to resolve conflict? Or if they never learned how to stand up for themselves? I would be an enabler, not a protector. I would be damaging and crippling the very lives I’m aiming to defend.

And then, God drew the connection for me.
“I can’t always fight your battles for you, either.”

The idea silenced my always-moving mind for a split second.

He doesn’t. And so often, I beg Him to. I sometimes mistakenly interpret His lack of intervention as a lack of support. I want Him to fix it, always and immediately. I want Him to silence the people that speak untrue words about me. I want Him to intervene in disagreements and put an end to any conflict that arises. I want Him to make others stop pushing my boundaries so I don't have to speak up. I want Him to shield me from discomfort and pain.

But He is a wiser parent than I. He knows that there are times when it would only cripple me to be sheltered. It would only hinder my growth to disallow me to make my own choices and fight my own battles.

It's not a lack of love or a lack of loyalty that keeps Him at bay. It is just the opposite, in fact. It's because of His love that He holds back and lets me grow.

He loves me infinitely more than I love my own children. And if I feel so fiercely loyal to these tiny little lives, and yet still must give them space to grow, how much more must God love me as He does the same?

There will be times, and there have been times already, where my girls will need me to fight for them. Times when they are too young, too small or too weak to protect themselves. And at those times, I have been there. At those times, I will always be there for them.

And in those times, when I am too young, too small or too weak, God steps in for me. That’s when He steps in front of me. That’s when He comes in swinging.

But when He does not, I know that He is lovingly, loyally and wisely letting me grow.

Loss and Life

As I lay here feeling the heavy breath of my sleeping seven week old on my chest, my mind wanders. How blessed I am, I know, to experience this. To feel her sweet, sweaty face on my skin. To smell her soft little head and kiss her gently. How blessed I am to have a toddler sleeping in the other room. God has been so good to us, and given us so much.

Yesterday, I was reminded of how precious my children are to me. Yesterday was October 15- National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. And two weeks from tomorrow marks a year from the day we lost a very early pregnancy.

It was Halloween. I was likely five or six weeks pregnant. But, strange as it may be, losing a child you barely knew doesn't soften the blow.

It hits you deep in the gut, pounding into the core of you each time you catch yourself dreaming of what you thought would be. It’s a wound that reopens each morning, as the memory of reality floods back. It’s a wound that stays tender much long after the impact. A wound that someday heals, but still scars, as a reminder of what was once there.

Tears flowed heavy that afternoon. My heart threatened to split in two. The rage was palpable in my body. And through the gut-wrenching sobs, the begging God to save my baby, the pleading to give me back the plans that I had made and the dreams that suddenly were put to an end, the same thought repeated in my mind.

"This isn't how it's supposed to be."

It's not supposed to be this way. It wasn't meant to be this way. Death and loss feels so tragic, so unnatural, so unfair, because that's exactly what it is.

It's easy to forget, I think, that death wasn't the original plan. It's easy to forget that God's design was for us to live and to keep living. Sin brought loss into the picture.
And so, we are living in this world that has death and heartbreak and loss. And it hurts. It hurts because it's not the way it was supposed to be.

Babies weren't meant to die. Mothers weren't meant to lose their children. Husbands weren't meant to comfort their grieving wives as they try to pick up the pieces of their own broken hearts.

God does not bring death. But in death, in sorrow and in loss, God remains good. He remains faithful. He doesn't turn away and tell us, "this is how it is." He doesn't leave us to mend ourselves back together. He doesn't excuse death and loss and ask us to be strong, or to gladly accept the pain.

Like a father who picks up his injured child, he holds us close, whispering gently, "I know you're hurt; I'm here."

In the middle of the loss, God was near. When my heart was screaming at him to let me have my baby, he held me close. He knew my heartache. He felt my pain. And he told me, "I know you're hurt; I'm here."

He didn't fix it for me. He didn't take away the hurt. But he never let me go. He was good then, in death. He was good still, when three weeks later, he gave us another life to care for. And he is good today, as that little life sleeps on my chest.

In death and in loss, God is there. In life and in blessings, He is there. In losing a child, whether at 5 weeks, or 14 weeks, or 38 weeks pregnant, He is there. He is good, he knows the hurt, and he is there. In allowing ourselves to be held by God, we can face the heartache of the world not being as it was meant to be. We don't have to bear the weight of that pain alone.

A Letter to Seventeen-Year-Old Me

Recently, a question was proposed on a blog I follow, Mundane Faithfulness (which is written, by the way, by my favorite elementary school teacher), that made me think. A lot.

“When you were 17 or 18 ish and about to graduate- what words of love did you need to hear? ...What would you say to your 17 year old self if you had the chance?”

There were many things that I needed to hear when I was seventeen. I needed a lot of advice and a lot of guidance- and I needed a lot of affirmation. And though the question presented on Mundane Faithfulness was directed more towards the affirmation, it also made me think about the words of advice that I needed to hear as well.

Five years ago, I was seventeen, almost eighteen, and about to graduate high school. And I was terrified. Absolutely, completely, paralyzed in fear.
I was a deer in the headlights, watching my life barreling down the road, functioning only out of the hope that if I didn’t make a move, it would turn the other way and leave me be.
But of course, time passed anyway. And I said goodbye to the only friends I had, as they left for colleges in other states. And I said goodbye to my boyfriend of a year and a half, who was leaving for college in Kansas, and I wondered if he would ever come back to me. I holed myself up in my room, afraid to look for jobs, for fear that I would find one and have to face my social anxiety. And I begrudgingly signed up for graphic design classes at a community college, because in order to stay on my parents’ insurance, I needed to be in school. I resented the fact that I had to go to school at all, when I certainly had no idea what kind of “real-world career” I wanted to pursue. And I very much resented the fact that I was alone, and that change had come, and that I had lost every thread of the security blanket I had been clinging so tightly to.
I was exhausted, and bitter, and lonely.
And I needed very much to hear a few things. If I could go back in time and give myself the love and advice I needed, this is what I would tell myself. 

Dear Seventeen-year-old Me...

1. It’s okay if you don’t know what you want to do yet. Take it one day at a time and don't overwhelm yourself with the pressure to do it "right." Sometimes it takes a few years (or more) to figure out what you want to do. So if you're not sure, earn money- don't spend it. Be productive and wise with your time, energy and resources while you still are trying to find your direction, so that when you do know where you want to go, you will be in a good position to get there. Keep your eyes and your heart open, and when a door opens to something you love, don’t miss the chance to walk through.

2. Whatever you do when you should be doing something else is what you should be pursuing as a career. The things you find yourself using to procrastinate are the things you really love to do. If you pursue what you love as a career, you will be happy not only on the journey there, but when you arrive as well. It doesn't mean it will be easy- but it means it will be worth it to you.

3. Put yourself in the position to receive opportunities. Things will not fall in your lap. It's good to be patient, but be careful not to be stagnant. Be assertive and confident when the situation calls for it, and then, when you have done all you can do, then take a step back and wait.

4. Don't fear or fight change. Change always comes but never stays. You will always adjust, and settle into the new "normal." Adjustment periods are hard, and they will always be scary, but you will get better at anticipating them and coping with them as you get older. Embrace each change as practice for the next.

5. You are not confined by your label. The person that others know you to be does not limit who you are. You do not have to fit into the box that your family, friends, classmates or teachers have put you in. You do not have to fit in the box that you have put yourself in. At any point, you can turn the page and start new. You can be better, stronger, happier, healthier or kinder. You can quit old habits and start new ones. You can heal old wounds and seek to mend broken relationships. You can quit things you used to love, and start things you have never tried. Do not allow yourself to be tied to a reputation. And even if no one else accepts the change in you, you still can.

Go read the original post where this question was presented; what would you say to seventeen-year-old you?

Things To Do Before Marriage (That Actually Matter)

At the beginning of the year, a blog post circulated that made a case for the reasons that getting married young is a bad idea. It seems that everyone is getting married young these days, the author says, but she, on the other hand, is much happier to be able to do what really matters with her early twenties.

(You can read the post for yourself here.)

Aside from the bitter tone which dripped with condescension, the misguided content really struck a nerve with me. Because what followed next was a list of all the things that she suggests doing instead of wasting your time getting engaged. 

I’m inclined to believe that the list was written mostly tongue-in-cheek, and that she didn’t mean to imply that you could only do any of these things if you aren’t married (i.e. getting a passport, adopting a pet, making a cake, starting a small business, accomplishing a Pinterest project, or cutting your hair). Furthermore, I would hope that a person wouldn’t seriously consider making out with a stranger, dating two people at once, or being selfish to be valuable bucket-list items. Especially when said activities are offered as an alternative for settling down and marrying. But to each his own, I suppose?

There aren’t a lot of things I think you “should” do before you get married. I think it’s really different for every person. Some people aren’t ready to get married at 23. Some people aren’t ready at 30. Or 40, for that matter.

Some people got married at 19, and were perfectly happy and ready to do so. (Ahem.)

I think it has a lot to do with your unique life situation, and if you’re willing and able to commit to a lifelong relationship.
I think it has very little to do with how many things you’ve been able to check off your “list” before you must settle down and be miserable and stagnant for the rest of your life.

Really, I don’t believe that’s how marriage is supposed to work. I know for a fact that it doesn’t have to work like that.

So if you’re ready to be married, and you still haven’t traveled to that one distant country, or you haven’t achieved your career goals, or you’ve yet to experience that lifelong dream, then go get married and take your new spouse along for the journey.
Just be sure to let them in on your plans ahead of time.

All that being said, I think there are a few things that would be really good to do to prepare for the married life if you’re still waiting for the right one to come along, or if you aren’t quite ready to take the leap yet.

Are they prerequisites for a successful marriage? No.
Will you surely be miserable if you don’t get them all done before you say “I do”? Nope.

Because truthfully, just like many other things, you can do all of these after marriage too. But if you’re going to put your time and effort into doing something in preparation for marriage, why not put them into things that matter?

Some of the things on this list I did before I got married, and I’m happy I did. Some of them I didn’t, and I would do it differently if I could do it again. You live and you learn.

So here’s my re-evaluated list.

1. Save your money
I promise, there will be a day somewhere along the road where you suddenly need a large chunk of cash. You might run into this before you are married, but I can almost guarantee that you will run into it (more than once) afterwards.
Save 10% of everything you make- or save $20 of each paycheck, or save your tips, or come up with your own saving plan- but whatever you do, save. Borrow from yourself if you must, but pay yourself back as soon as the money comes in again. Tuck it away and bring it into your marriage as a gift to yourself and to your spouse. You won’t regret it, and your spouse will appreciate it! And if I’m wrong, and you never run into money trouble, you can thank yourself for being prepared anyway, and go buy yourself a jet or something.

2. Buy things that will last
Nice things last a long time; they also usually require a hefty dip into your wallet, which is something that, after marriage (and especially after kids) might be hard to scrape up at times. If you have the ability to save up for the good stuff while you’re still single, skip buying the cheap clothes, the plywood furniture, or the knock-off appliances. Do your research, go with tried-and-true products, and spend more now to save more later. When you still have them 5-10 years later, you will thank yourself.

3. Delve into self discovery
I think one of the best ways (if not the best way) to prepare yourself to be in a healthy relationship is to know who you are. Figure out your personality. Find out what makes you tick. What do you fear most? Why? What do you desire most? How do you try to get that desire met? How do you recharge? Why are you the way you are? Ask yourself those questions until you find the answers. Read some self discovery books, and then read them again. It may just happen that, in finding out who you are, you find out what type of person you want to be with, too.

4. Get in shape

A really cool perk about being single is having a little extra time that you can use for just you. Sure, you can exercise after marriage and after kids! But get those habits started now and it will be much easier to keep up when life gets a little busier and "me-time" doesn't show up as often as it used to. It’s harder to start eating healthy or hitting the gym when you’re not just focused on yourself anymore. If you can really get the hang of keeping yourself fit, you may even be able to graft your husband (and someday your kids) into that healthy lifestyle.

5. Pick up a hobby
It doesn't have to be interesting, and you don't have to be any good at it. Just find something that you love and do that. Join a volleyball league, pick up knitting, or learn how to play the guitar. It doesn't really matter what it is, as long as you love doing it. Someday you might forget your identity for a while. When that happens, go back to this little hobby and remember the stuff you enjoy doing. It’ll give you some perspective and lift your mood at the same time.

6. Become independent
By all means possible for you in your situation, start making strides to become an independent adult. This applies to finances, but it also applies to your personal life. If you are used to using your parents/siblings as a crutch when things go bad, make an effort to break those habits. Pay for your own stuff. Move out if you can. (Help out if you can't.) Start mentally preparing yourself to be on our own and it will be much smoother when the time comes to add a new person to your life, and to begin the process of becoming a new family with them. 

7. Learn a few recipes well
If you’re one of those people who loves baking and cooking, this probably won’t be an issue for you. If you’re not, try to think of a meal that you can master, and have that be “your meal.” Even if your spouse is the one who cooks most (or all) of the time, I can almost guarantee that there will be a day when you will need to cook. Maybe she’s sick as a dog and can’t lift her head, or he’s out of town for the weekend, or maybe the kids are hungry (NOW!) and you need to feed them something that’s not fast food, pronto.
When we first got married, my husband could make a peanut butter sandwich, or chips with melted shredded cheese on them. In the microwave. He called them "nachos," but I had a hard time getting on board with that. After a couple of morning-sickness-cooking-strikes where he was stranded on his own, he’s actually gotten really good at a lot of different things. He’s now the go-to guy in our house for pan-fried chicken, eggs and bacon, or grilled cheese. Whatta man, I tell ya.
So, like I said, you can learn it after marriage, but if you have the time, why not do it now?

Have anything to add to this list?
What do you think is important to do before you tie the knot?

Extroversion: What It Does (And Doesn't) Mean

Earlier, I wrote a post on the real meaning of introversion, and what it does and doesn’t actually mean. It’s only fair, I think, to give some attention to the other half of the population- the extroverts!

While there’s been a surge in the popularity of articles and blogs about introversion, there’s also seemingly been a surge in the negativity towards extroverts. It’s easy to inadvertently demonize people who are not like you (although it’s not fair), and, as it’s a lot of introverts who are speaking out about introversion and extroversion, it seems that is precisely what is happening.

Neither extroversion nor introversion is “better.” Although American culture values extroverts more (and- fun fact- Japanese culture values introverts more), they are actually equal. Each has its own benefits and each presents its own struggles.

But unfortunately, there are some misconceptions about extroverts, just like there are misconceptions about introverts.

Briefly answer this question- what do you think it means to be an extrovert?
Make a list of the qualities you associate with extroversion.
If you are an extrovert, list the things you think make you extroverted; if you are not, think of the ways you would identify someone else as an extrovert.

What’s on your list?

If your list describes tendencies or patterns of behavior, you’re probably headed in the right direction. If they describe personality traits, you may have a misconception of what extroversion actually means.

Why does it matter?

Like I mentioned in the post about introversion, in order to build good relationships with the people around us, we need to understand them, and to understand ourselves.
If you are an extrovert, understanding the characteristics of extroversion can give you such a deeper understanding of the way you work, and help you care for yourself better.
If you aren’t an extrovert, you know someone who is. Maybe it’s your spouse, or your boss, or your mother. More than half of the American population is extroverted!
Understanding how the people you know and love function will give you a better ability to communicate with them and to empathize with them.

What does it mean?

Just like introversion, extroversion describes a preference for either the external or the internal world, not a set of traits. [1]
While introverts prefer to direct their energy towards their internal world, extroverts prefer to direct it outward. In order to recharge themselves, extroverts need to interact with their external environment, as opposed to introverts, who need to attend to their inner world.
When we look at an extrovert, then, we see someone who needs to be able to think out loud and externally process their thoughts before internally reflecting on them. They tend to act before thinking, so to speak. They are drained by too much time internalizing, and need to engage their environment to recharge. They are energized by interaction with their physical environment in some way. This interaction might be done with others- by engaging with other people- or done alone, by being physically active, carrying out broad-scale plans, or brainstorming possible outcomes for what is currently happening.
In contrast to this behavior is that of introverts, who typically “think before they speak,” and who are energized by internalizing and drained by too much external activity.

There is a range of introversion to extroversion- a person will not fall perfectly onto one side or the other. This is to say that there is likely no such thing as a “complete” introvert or “complete” extrovert. Because there are so many different things that make up a personality, a person may have two conflicting traits that land them somewhere in the middle of extroversion and introversion. They will lean to one side or the other, but they may not be very extroverted or very introverted.

This can be confusing to a person who may actually be an extrovert, but who does not enjoy being constantly social, or who is not as “outgoing” as extroverts are expected to be. Some extroverts need more time alone than others- depending on how they specifically recharge by externalizing their energy. Extroverts who are energized by being around other people may need a lot of time to be social, but extroverts who are energized by highly physical activity may not. Additionally, extroverts may find that they are energized by certain people, but that others might actually stress them out. Negative or stressful socialization is not likely energizing for anyone- even the most gregarious extrovert!

The key to extroversion is the need for engaging with the external environment, not the need for social interaction.

If we understand what it does mean to be extroverted, we can then understand better what it does not mean. Generally, if we are attributing a trait, rather than a tendency, to extroversion, we know we’re off track.

Here are some common traits that are associated with extroversion. Think back to what you think describes an extrovert. Are any of the following traits on your list?

What does it not mean?

Obnoxious

A common myth about extroverts is that they are overly loud, annoying, or obnoxious. While that could be true, it is not something that is characteristic of extroverts. Rather, it’s characteristic of someone who lacks sufficient social skills. An extrovert who does not know how to properly interact with others may use these behaviors to get attention, to distract themselves and others from underlying emotions, to control others, or to accomplish attain some other unhealthy desire. It is also possible, though, for an introvert to display these same behaviors, and it is not an accurate way to characterize extroverts in general.

Social butterfly

While it is true that extroverts need to interact with their environment, it is not true that they are all "people-people". It’s a commonly accepted idea that extroverts “can’t be alone.” This idea actually describes an unbalanced extrovert, not a healthy one. Even extroverts need a little time to be alone, just as introverts need to be with others. It would be unhealthy for a person of either type to never have solitude or to never have interaction. Some extroverts are more social than others- while some interact with their social environment by talking and being with other people, others may prefer to interact with their physical environment instead by participating in physically engaging activities. In the same way that there are introverts who have many friends, there are also extroverts who only have a few. This is indicative of their need for interpersonal relationships, which is driven by several things other than extroversion.

Performer

Because it’s commonly thought that anyone who is in the spotlight (actors, speakers, politicians, etc...) must be extroverted, it’s assumed that extroverts must all be natural performers. Truthfully, there are many extroverts who do not seek the limelight, and do not prefer to be the center of attention. There are also introverts who make wonderful speakers and performers, and introverts who are attention-seeking. Extroverts do, as a pattern, like to be a part of the action, but they do not necessarily seek to be the center of it.

Self-centered

At least among introverts, there is a stigma of extroverts being selfish- that introverts listen, and extroverts like to hear themselves talk. While this can be true (of both introverts and extroverts, I should add), it is an indicator of the health of the individual, not a trait of their extroversion. Extroverts can be excellent listeners, selfless givers, and wonderful friends. In fact, it can be even more apparent when extroverts are not selfishly focused, as they tend to express that selflessness in more overt and obvious ways than introverts. Selfishness is certainly a problem, not a personality trait.

Highly emotional

Extroverts also have a reputation (in some circles) of being overly emotional or sentimental. Although there are certainly emotionally driven extroverts, there are actually many extroverts who are very logical and systematic, and, furthermore, even some who struggle to access their emotions at all. It may seem that extroverts are more emotional than introverts because those who do love to express their emotions tend to do so on a bigger, more intense scale. For every sentimental extrovert, though, there is an equally (but different) sentimental introvert. The intensity of a person's emotions is not necessarily indicative of their extroversion.

Shallow

Extroverts have an over-generalized reputation of being shallow and petty, especially in comparison to introverts, who have an equally generalized reputation of being deep and brooding. Both of these stereotypes are only that- stereotypes. Many extroverts love to read, write, and theorize, just like their introverted counterparts; and many introverts are not interested in deep thinking at all. Extroverts do tend to immerse themselves into many different things, in contrast to introverts, who tend to focus more intensely on a select few things. But those tendencies do not reflect the intelligence or depth of either type of people.

Do you have anything else to add?
Let me know what you think!

Also read: Introversion: What It Does And Doesn't Mean

Sources: 
[1] Understanding Yourself and Others, by Linda V. Berens and Dario Nardi

Introversion: What It Does (And Doesn't) Mean

Introversion is kind of trendy right now.

I’m not sure why or how it happened, but suddenly every introvert seems to be poking their head out on the internet. You’ve seen all the articles, right? 

“10 Secrets About Introverts”

“What it’s REALLY Like to be an Introvert” 

“What Every Introvert Wants You to Know”

Maybe it’s a mini-rebellion on behalf of the introvert community due to our culture's preference for extroverts. Introversion isn’t highly respected in a culture that values outspoken, social and assertive behavior. It’s not hard to feel devalued when inherent things about you- like being slow to act, needing time to emotionally recharge, or feeling drained by lots of activity- are considered by others to be undesirable, or even wrong.

But what has caught my eye lately is a lot of misunderstanding on what introversion actually means.

Stop for a second and ask yourself to describe introversion.
If you are one, think about what makes you an introvert. If you’re not, think about how you would know that someone was introverted.
Make a quick list of the things that come to mind.

Now look at the things you've listed.

If the things on your list describe a tendency or pattern of behavior, you’re probably on the right track.
If they describe personality traits, you’re not alone in your thinking- but you might have a misunderstanding of what introversion actually is.

Why does it matter?

In order to build good relationships with the people around us, we need to understand them, and to understand ourselves. Understanding how people work on a basic level is a really great place to start!
If you are an introvert, understanding the characteristics of introversion can give you such a deeper understanding of the way you work, and help you care for yourself better.
But even if you aren't an introvert, you know someone who is. Maybe it's your spouse or your significant other, your child, or your best friend. Maybe it's your mother or your sister, or even a coworker.
Understanding how the people you know and love function will give you a better ability to communicate with them and to empathize with them.

What does it mean?

It’s fundamentally important in understanding personalities that extroversion and introversion describe a preference for either the external or internal world, not a set of traits. [1] 
This means that extroverts prefer to direct their energy towards their external world, and introverts prefer to direct it towards their inner world. Extroverts are emotionally and mentally recharged by focusing outward, and introverts are recharged by focusing inward.
Practically applied, this means that introverts need time to internally reflect on what they  think and feel before they speak or act. It means that they tend to be drained by lots of external stimuli, and need to withdraw (either mentally or physically) from their environment to recharge.
This is in contrast to extroverts, who need to be able to think out loud and externally deal with their thoughts before internally reflecting on them, and who are energized by engaging in and interacting with their environment, even when they are alone. 

It’s crucial to understand, additionally, that there is a range of extroversion and introversion, and that a person may not fall cleanly on one end or the other. Because there are so many different things that make up a personality, a person may have two conflicting traits that land them somewhere in the middle of extroversion and introversion. They will lean to one side or the other, but they may not be very extroverted or very introverted.

For instance, although I am an introvert, I also love understanding and connecting with people. I need emotional connection and communication in my relationships. At the same time, though, I am very sensitive and need a lot of time to recharge from those interactions, and so I will frequently withdraw to ground myself and get energy to go out again. I am not 100% introverted; although I am certainly an introvert, I also am more outgoing than a portion of other introverts can be. This caused a lot of confusion for me, growing up, as I was under the impression that to be introverted meant that I had to be a loner. It's also caused a lot of confusion for other people in my life. I've been told on many occasions that I "can't" be an introvert, because I'm too outgoing. As it turns out, I was wrong, and so were they!

If we understand what it does mean to be introverted, we can then understand better what it does not mean. Generally, if we are attributing a trait, rather than a tendency, to introversion, we know we’re off track.

Here are some common traits that are associated with introversion. Think back to what you think describes an introvert. Are any of the following traits on your list?

What does it not mean?

Shy

Shyness is regularly associated with introversion. It’s almost used as a synonym sometimes, as if they mean the same thing. In reality, they are not actually connected at all. Both extroverts and introverts alike can feel nervous and withdrawn in social situations, and both can be confident and outgoing. So while you may find an introvert who is shy, you can also find many who are actually not shy at all. It might happen more often with introverts, but it’s actually not a characteristic of introversion. It’s very important not to interchange the two.

Insecure

There’s a stigma among introverts that the insecurity they feel stems from their introversion. This isn’t true! Introverts have as much potential to have self-confidence as do their extroverted counterparts. Introverts do, as a pattern, tend to be hesitant to act quickly. They tend to think before speaking or acting. However, this is not born out of insecurity, but out of a need to reflect inwardly before acting outwardly. Insecurity is a problem, not a personality trait. And it's certainly not something that is an inherent trait of introverts.

Anti-social

While introverts do need time away from others, they do not necessarily dislike being around others. In fact, many introverts not only like other people, but are very adept at interacting with them. Some introverts are very outgoing and friendly, and have great social skills. Other introverts do not have those skills, and have a lot of trouble interacting with people; some find interaction awkward and are unsure of how to connect with others. Likewise, there are actually extroverts who have trouble in social situations as well, and who don't enjoy the company of others. So to attribute anti-social behavior to introverts as a whole is very misleading, especially for people who are trying to understand whether they are introverted or extroverted. Many introverts mistype themselves as extroverts based on this misunderstanding.

Anxious

Anxiety is often a trait associated with introversion. It follows along the lines of shyness or anti-social behavior- being worried often, getting nervous in social situations, or being scared of talking to others. Each are traits of anxiety, not of introversion. And again, while there are anxious introverts, there are also introverts who have great inner peace. The same goes for extroverts; there are extroverts that do and do not suffer from anxiety. Anxiety is a problem all on its own! It’s important to see it as a separate thing, so that it can be dealt with and not written off as a personality trait.

Sensitive

Introverts can be sensitive- both to emotions and to physical stimuli. But this is actually a trait that is separate from introversion. Some people may be sensitive to conflict or to others’ emotions; this sensitivity shows up in people who are very in tune with their emotions or the emotions of others. Others may be sensitive to bright lights, loud sounds, or different smells. Sometimes this sensitivity can actually stem from being a Highly Sensitive Person, which is a trait that is more common in introverts, but also occurs in extroverts.  In the same way, though, there are also introverts who are very emotionally thick-skinned, and introverts who are energized by physical stimuli. So while sensitivity does show up in many introverts, it’s important to recognize that they do not necessarily coincide, and that a person may be one without the other. Equally as important is to recognize the fact that extroverts can also be sensitive, and so not to attribute sensitivity as a trait of introversion or extroversion.

Depressed

Introverts are not, by nature, sad or melancholy. While introverts may dwell on their sadness longer or in more depth, this tendency does not lend itself to depression. In fact, when it is used in a productive way, introverts have the potential to understand and process through their negative emotions more completely. Extroverts also experience sadness, but may express it and process it in a different way; depression is not isolated to either introverts or extroverts.

Lonely

I think it’s interesting that loneliness is a trait that is attributed to introversion, because, as people who need more space from the external world, it doesn’t make sense that being alone would necessarily make us lonely. Introverts absolutely feel lonely, but just as do extroverts! But whereas an extrovert may feel lonely because they have not been able to interact and expend energy outside themselves, an introvert may feel lonely because they have not felt a depth of connection with others that they are looking for.

Lethargic

This one is kind of a bizarre label to me. I’m not sure why introversion is associated with sleepiness, but it’s a little laughable, if you really think about it! I’ve heard this, mostly, from introverts themselves, making offhand comments about being tired or wanting to be in bed because they are introverted. While it’s true that introverts usually are more low-energy than extroverts, it is not necessarily the case. A high-energy introvert may tend to overwork himself and then need to recharge often by withdrawing and attending to his inner world for a while. In the same way, there are also low-energy extroverts, who like to relax.

Understanding ourselves and the people around us is important to creating and maintaining functional, healthy relationships!

Do you have anything to add?
I'd love to hear your thoughts!


Also Read: Extroversion: What It Does (And Doesn't) Mean

Sources:
[1] Understanding Yourself and Others, by Linda V. Berens and Dario Nardi

Healthy Fried Peaches

(gluten free, refined sugar free, can be dairy free/paleo/vegan)

Fried? Yes, that's right, "healthy" and "fried" in the same sentence.
This awesome little dessert is quickly whipped up by pan frying peaches in coconut oil.

I'm sure you've heard by now of the many good things about coconut oil. (If you're still not convinced, check this out.)

The warm honey-and-cinnamon flavored peaches make this reminiscent of peach pie, minus the loads of sugar.

It's pretty fantastic even if you aren't cutting sugar out of your diet, but it is absolutely a must if you are.
Because it has all of the "guilty-pleasure" taste with none of the actual guilt.

I came up with this recipe when I was eating Paleo, back before I got pregnant again. I was having some crazy bad sugar cravings, and this was my go-to for a dessert that didn't feel healthy. When I was eating Paleo, I still kept a little whole fat Greek yogurt in my diet (because I was breastfeeding and needed some extra calories, and because yogurt doesn't upset my body). But if you are eating strictly Paleo, or if you can't have dairy for any other reason, you could substitute whipped coconut cream instead!

I don't count calories- and the calories in this are all good ones- but if you are tracking, the calorie count comes to somewhere around 200 calories per serving before you add the yogurt. The additional calories depend on what (and how much) yogurt you use.

Healthy Fried Peaches

Serves: 2 small servings (or 1 large serving, I won't judge) 

Ingredients:

2 cups organic* frozen sliced peaches
2 Tbs coconut oil (virgin, unrefined)
1 Tbs raw honey
1 tsp ground cinnamon
greek yogurt (you can sub whipped coconut cream for dairy-free)

*Peaches are in the “dirty dozen”! Make sure you buy organic!)

Instructions: 

• Defrost 2 cups of frozen peaches.
(If you know you’re going to make this ahead of time, you can put the peaches in a container in the fridge for a couple of hours to thaw. If you need to defrost them faster, you can heat your oven until hot, put the peaches in, turn the oven OFF, and let them sit in the warmed oven for a few minutes. We don’t use a microwave in our house, but if you do, you could also defrost them quickly that way. They don’t need to be 100% defrosted- but the more defrosted they are, the quicker you will cook them and the more evenly they will cook.)

• When the peaches are thawed, mix the coconut oil, honey and cinnamon in a bowl until well combined.

• Heat a frying pan on medium heat, and put oil mixture in when the pan gets hot. Stir frequently.

• When the mixture is simmering (and looks bubbly & frothy), add peaches into the pan. Coat evenly with oil mixture, and arrange in a single layer. Return to a simmer, stirring frequently to be sure nothing burns.

• The mixture will get sticky and thick. If it starts to burn, turn your heat down a little and be sure to stir often.

• Simmer for about 10 minutes (depending on your stove and how cold your peaches were to begin with), or until a fork slides easily in and out of the peaches.

• Remove from heat.

• Serve with a dollop of Greek yogurt and a sprinkle of cinnamon. Feel satisfied and go on your way.